December 28, 2007 Bad Wedding Announcement Names

As I came into work this morning, I was still strapped for a topic to write about. And then this fell on my head while talking to a few co-workers. Apparently this is something that Jay Leno does on his show, but I have never watched his show, so I was completely unaware and entirely intrigued. I decided to go on a mission to find some of these; I thought it would be a fun way to enjoy a Friday without using our brains (this also being the last Friday of 2007) Enjoy, the wonderful world of wedding announcement names gone hysterically wrong.

Song of the Week: “Nan You’re a Window Shopper” by Lily Allen. The guiltiest of pleasures. There’s something about a Bri-ish girl with a dirty sailor accent singing reggae that gets me jazzed.

Quote of the Week: “ Hermits have no peer pressure.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: The U.S. ranks 29th in overall life expectancy, which is 78 years.

Picture of the Week: All of the above

Until next week, Yo Adrienne!


Fred

December 21, 2007 Infomercials

Recent conversations have made me feel obligated to write about this common marketing technique: Infomercials ALWAYS make everyday tasks seems so difficult. Even the simplest tasks all of a sudden become the most time-intensive and frustrating events. “Having trouble brushing those teeth?! Our Brushomatic 2000 can save you time and energy by helping you get all of those hard to reach teeth!” And I know you can picture it. Sonny Simpleton sitting in the bathroom trying to brush his teeth and just looking like an epileptic dancing at a rave party, knocking teeth out and tearing up his gums. I think if our ancestors survived without some of this crap, I think we should be fine. I really enjoy watching the people in these infomercials too; they get so frustrated so easily. After about one or two failed attempts to cut a carrot with a “regular old dull” knife, they get pissed and throw stuff down in a fit of frustration. I just laugh. It’s like going to a cheesy horror movie. “Nope, don’t do that, you don’t want to do that! Don’t cut right . . . ooohhh, damn, totally missed the tomato.” Yep, you got served . . . you got served REAL good.

And then after they make it sound so easy to use, they make it sound even EASIER to pay for it! AWESOME! They’re so considerate. “For just 4 easy payments of your first-born, you can have this in the luxury of your own home.” They always have to put the word “easy” in there. Without that word, it just wouldn’t be the same. As if ordering this product would be any different than buying an appliance at some store. And they always make sure to throw in more and more free crap. “For a limited time, when you buy one, we’ll throw in a second one for free! Not because we care about our customers and want you to enjoy this ground-breaking product, but because the lease on our warehouse is up and we can get rid of this shit fast enough!”

Song of the Week: “The First Baptist Church of Jacksonville” by Evergreen Terrace

Quote of the Week: “Experience is something you get after you need it.” - unknown

Random Fact of the Week: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Picture of the Week: Way to make an example of the guy (hint: look at what he’s wanted for).

Until next week, this is it . . . don’t get scared now.


Fred

December 14, 2007 Prescription Drugs

I’m sure a lot of you have seen some form of prescription drug advertisement within the past month. What I’m also guessing is that you’ve probably noticed how absurd they are. Most have side-effects far worse than the actual ailment. I can just imagine the conversation now:
“Hey doc, I’m having trouble sleeping because my leg keeps moving while I’m in bed.”
“Well, that sounds to me like you have RLS.”
“Oh shit, that sounds pretty bad, what is it?!”
“Restless Leg Syndrome. I have a new drug that can help that though.”
“Ok, what are the side effects?”
“Well, common side effects include headaches, nausea . . . hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.”

Umm, let’s rewind that for a second. “Hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.” When the hell did prescription drugs start making people have crazy impulses to gamble? Does that sound crazy to anyone else aside from me? That’s not a prescription drug, that’s some sort of Las Vegas Tourism Board wonderdrug. They should start handing that stuff out like it’s Halloween candy. But that’s only the beginning, and those are only the FUNNY side effects. What about these other drugs that cure migraines and other REAL problems? Side effects including, again, nausea, fatigue, sometimes depression. But then it gets good. Uncontrollable bowel movements. OOOHHH, sign me up for that! Even though migraines affect my ability to function within society, nothing puts me back on track like wearing Depends to work every day! And they always feel the need to make these “problems” into acronyms just to make them sound scarier. “You have Erectile Dysfunction” doesn’t have the same effect as “You have ED.” Or Restless Leg Syndrome. I’d laugh at that. But if I heard I had RLS, I’d donate half of my paycheck to the first society/association I could find that does research to cure it.

I’m not even going to touch erectile dysfunction, it’s just too easy. “Call your physician if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” Sonofabitch! I wanted to be able to perform for 15 minutes, but now I’m stuck with the Washington Monument in my pants since 6pm yesterday . . . I don’t think the people at work would appreciate that very much. And god forbid any mall Santa ever take Viagra or Cialis. A lot of boys and girls would surely get a surprise that Christmas.


Song of the Week: “Given Flight by Demon’s Wings” by Shai Hulud

Quote of the Week: “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” - Dr. Leo Troy

Random Fact of the Week: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

Picture of the Week: Inappropriate

Until next week, Boom goes the dynamite.


Fred

December 7, 2007 Privacy

Let’s talk about privacy. Two questions: Is there such a thing anymore? And should anyone really care?

There has been a lot of talk about the whole Facebook Beacon program, which basically advertises, on Facebook, your purchases through affiliate sites. There has been a HUGE movement against this in the past month. The problem is, it wasn’t an “opt-in” program. You would automatically be signed up for it regardless of your knowledge of it happening. It got me thinking: In an age of the internet and all of this technology, is there really such thing as privacy anymore. I find it interesting that most people don’t realize what gets tracked in regards to your internet usage . . . which is basically everything. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh crap, I’ve been to quite a few questionable sites recently, some of which may or may not have involved midgets and squirt guns.” Every single search query you enter into Google, Yahoo, or any other search engine gets logged. Every single site you visit gets tracked. Even when companies say they don’t store your internet behavior, they lie. Technically they don’t “store” it, but they do gather it and sell it off to other companies so that these companies can deliver you more targeted and personalized ads. It gets tracked all the way down to your IP address. But don’t worry, this is the one time it’s nice to be viewed as a number, not a name.

Now I could go on about the internet all day. But what about phone calls and video cameras? To tell you the truth, it doesn’t bother me. You think the government really wants to monitor you talking about the new shoes you bought on clearance at Aldo’s? I’ll give you the answer, only to the old JELL-O jingle of our youth: “H-E-L-L-NO.” And what about video monitoring? I don’t really think the “monitoring police” would huddle around a video camera watching me deliver my exquisite rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in the shower. Do you really think they’d monitor every single house? Again, think JELL-O theme. Only people with suspicious behavior would be monitored. And plus, it would cost WAY too much money.

To break it down: Do I have a problem with a program using my internet behavior to advertise what I buy to others without my knowledge and/or consent. Yep; I’ll advertise what I want, thankyouverymuch. Do I have a problem with my internet behavior being tracked in general. Or even conversations being taped? Nope. I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide, and frankly, I think the “monitoring police” have much better things to do than to watch me scratch my ass on the couch. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.


Song of the Week: “Summer Song” by Eyes Like Knives

Quote of the Week: “One day as I came home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ - Rodney Dangerfield.

Random Fact of the Week: Flea's can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6ft. person jumping 780 ft. into the air

Picture of the Week: There must be a perfectly good explanation for this.

Until next week, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.


Fred

November 30, 2007 Sometimes The World Doesn't Make Sense

I had to make people aware of this article. It’s about a school teacher in Sudan that “incited religious hatred” by letting her class name a teddy bear Mohammed. When I first read the title, I thought that she maybe had incited hatred towards Christianity maybe, or something of the sort. But no. In an obvious misunderstanding, she was accused of causing hatred against the Muslim faith, and then sentenced to 15 days in prison for it. And not just some regular prison, I’m talking about a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. There’s just something about extreme fundamentalist religion in general, and governments mixed up in religion that scares me a little bit. Just a little bit.

This woman could’ve stayed home and taught little English chaps like Oliver and Reginald in a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Instead she volunteered to move to an impoverished nation and help teach the children that will be the future of that country. Though I’m willing to bet she’s found a lot more little Olivers asking, “Please sir, can I have some more.” What does she get? A nice little handbook titled “Don’t Drop the Soap.” I’m hoping the government of Sudan realizes the type of message they’re sending to the rest of the world and aid-workers devoted to helping them. “Walk on egg shells people. There is no room for cultural misunderstandings in our neck of the woods.”
As-Salamu Alaykum. Praise be to Allah.

Song of the Week: “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” by Nirvana

Quote of the Week: “It’s a hitter’s game.’” – Richard A. Melino. The quintessential phrase of our time.

Random Fact of the Week: The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Picture of the Week: Nothing good can come from this . . . nothing.

Until next week, Do you have it? . . . GUTS!


Fred

November 23, 2007 Holiday Traveling

The holiday season is traditionally a time of heavy traveling. And of course during a time when many people cram into small areas, tempers flare and incompetence (read: mild retardation) spills out onto everyone exposed to it.

During my recent travels, I was lucky enough to have minimal exposure to such unsettling and frustrating practices, but I'm sure the same can't be said for most people. I've never really understood what is so difficult about traveling: You make sure to show up early, check in (check any bags if you have any), grab the ticket, do the security dance, and then go sit and wait for the plane. Once boarding occurs, find the row that matches the number on your ticket (unless you fly southwest, but I'm not even going to get into their archaic boarding procedures) and then have yourself a seat. For some reason people find it necessary to make each of these steps a little bit more complicated and time consuming than it needs to be.

Let's take a look at security. Obviously security measures have changed significantly since 9/11, but I feel some are a tad overboard. Taking out all liquids? Questionable. They swiped my water and threw it out without even asking me. That was BS considering I paid $2.49 for it and only drank half of it. And making you put all liquids into a plastic baggy. I definitely feel safer knowing that when that liquid compound bomb blows up there's a Ziploc bag covering it to contain the explosion. It's just another completely unnecessary step that creates problems and inefficiencies in an already inefficient process. Who's to say that person isn't going to go take it out of the Ziploc bag as soon as they sit down? What a waste of time . . . and plastic, which creates trash. I'm telling the environmentalists and Green Party on you.

We've all experienced the boarding problems. For some reason, people find it more difficult than calculus to try and find their row. Usually when I do it, I just match the row number on my ticket to the number above the row on the plane. I don't know, maybe that's just me. The best is when you tell someone they're sitting in your seat, they argue with you, they find out that they are in fact sitting in the wrong seat, and then act like you're the a-hole that's causing the inconvenience. Maybe a little dope-slap will knock some sense into them. And never mind the idiots that can't find the right row, what about the chumps milling about in the isles oblivious to the fact that 50 people behind them are waiting for him/her to take a seat. Sometimes I just really wonder what's going on in peoples heads. But I'm sure if I found out, I'd be really, really disappointed.

Song of the Week: "Flutter" by Bonobo. An excellent tune to climb to.

Quote of the Week: "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Irish Proverb

Random Fact of the Week: The name for Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Picture of the Week: One of these objects is not like the others.

Until next week, it's a hitter's game.

Fred

November 16, 2007 Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings

Seeing as how we’re being force-fed holiday cheer already, I thought I’d bring up an issue that is about as disturbing as Boy George: PC Holiday BS.

I recently heard on the radio that a radio station was having a contest to see how many absurdly ridiculous PC holiday items callers could find. One of the calls mentioned that a Home Depot in the area now had “Holiday Trees.” Wait a minute, a Holiday Tree? What the hell is a Holiday Tree? I know every year my family and I put up a CHRISTMAS Tree, but I’ve never heard of a Holiday Tree before. Oh wait, it’s yet another attempt to make the holidays completely non-denominational and all-inclusive, void of any character and tradition. Well I’m sorry PC Activists out there, I’m going to take my Christmas Tree with me to Sensibleland. C’mon people, give me a break. Can’t call them Christmas Trees anymore? The tree is an actual part of the particular tradition for a religion’s specific holiday. I think it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I can swallow not saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone you see (especially in the part of the city I live in, I think my apartment makes up 20-30% of the Catholic population in our area). But for me to go to a farm or lot and ask for a Holiday Tree? Sorry, not happening; I’m sticking to my guns on this one. What about Christmas Carols? You want to take that away too? Call them Holiday Carols? That’s next on the list to go. All these PCers out there have their asses puckered tighter than a damn snare drum. Thanks for stripping away centuries of tradition, especially in a country that promotes diversity and rests its hat on being the “melting-pot” of the world.

And just wait another 20-30 years, even song lyrics will be censored. Al Sharpton will get in on the deal and force “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” to be changed to “I’m Dreaming of a Snowy Christmas.”


Song of the Week: “Black Mission Goggles” by Man Man. Appropriately described to me as sounding like a crazy Jewish circus . . . on acid.

Quote of the Week: “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: It snows more in the Grand Canyon than it does in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Picture of the Week: I feel like your target audience may miss the message.

Until next week, Ma . . . the meatloaf! FUCK!


Fred

November 9, 2007 Growing Up . . .

Here’s something we can all relate to. As kids we all have those moments of embarrassment or being ashamed, like pissing the bed (which may have occurred more recently for some people, due to either excessive drinking or excessive laughter) or letting out what you were expecting to be a silent one in class, only for it to blast a hole through your pants and reverberate off of the wood seats. But there are also times of embarrassment for other reasons, like when your parents get upset with you.

I’m willing to guess that 99 out of 100 kids would much rather get tossed around the room by a parent than have them say those dreaded words: “I’m very disappointed in you.” Oh God that hurts. You can hear the record scratch. It’s like you almost want to volunteer yourself for a beating rather than hear those words. There’s nothing you can do but walk around like a wounded animal for the next week hoping that something comes along even worse that will distract your parents for a little bit. But even if something does come along, no matter what you do, your parents can always shoot you back down with one simple move: the silent stare complimented with a slow shaking of the head.
Goddamn they’re good.


Song of the Week: “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck

Quote of the Week: “It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.” - John Andrew Holmes

Random Fact of the Week: There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Picture of the Week: A picture a co-worker sent to me. I don’t like cats, but the caption is what makes it.

Until next week, whatchou talkin’ bout Willis?


Fred

November, 2 2007 Morning Thoughts

Something occurred to me in the shower this morning . . . Pantene Pro-V really does add volume and shine. The OTHER thing that occurred to me was this: does anyone really pay attention to or notice their first thought they have in the morning when they wake up? I know I usually don’t. It’s something that I’ve noticed lately, as philosophical as this sounds, it really does set the tone for the rest of the day. Obviously certain days yield common reactions: “Goddamn Mondays, let’s hit the snooze button and maybe the weekend will come back.” Or maybe the alarm goes off: “Sonofabitch, me and Papa Smurf were about to finally stick it to Gargamel.” Sometimes I get the occasional “Dammit, how many times are they going to play Hall and Oates’s ‘Maneater’ in the morning?! Now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day.” For some odd reason, those are usually the best days I have . . . weird. Thanks Hall, thanks Oates.

Does anyone ever wake up and say, “I’m gonna have myself a great day today.” I’m not going to pretend like I do, but I think it’d be interesting to see what that does.


Song of the Week: “Lady at the Gate” by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. Music the band says will “melt your face off”

Quote of the Week: “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” - Aesop

Random Fact of the Week: A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

Picture of the Week: Something about this seems degrading

Until next week, oh here she comes, watch out boy, she’ll chew you up,


Fred

October 26, 2007 Bad-Weather Friends

In a recent workplace discussion, something came to my attention. We all know the term “fair-weather,” usually in relation to sports fans, or even friends. Sometimes too much emphasis is placed on fair-weather friends, while it is not often pointed out that some friends are “bad-weather” friends. We all know someone like this; they come around only to complain about how bad their life is. It’s completely normal to want to vent every once in awhile, and I support that for sanity’s sake. We certainly don’t want any Miltons wandering around cracking and setting buildings on fire. But sometimes it’s taken completely advantage of. Hey knucklehead, your life isn’t that bad. Were you shot at today when you were at a local market buying your mom some bread? Nope. Did an earthquake completely destroy your home and everyone around yours? Negative. Did you get to drink water that wasn’t 50% fecal matter? Well your breath doesn’t stink so I’m guessing yes. I’m afraid to inform you that you managed to fail the “My Life Sucks” test. I’d even venture to throw them in with the “One-Uppers” and “Know-It-Alls” as people I tend to avoid.

So, as a general favor to the rest of society, the next time this person approaches you, just simply throw it out there: “Well bud, things could be worse, you could have strep.” If they insist that their life is horrible, whip out the big guns, “Think of it this way, at least you don’t have to walk down the street everyday wondering if the car you’re walking past will blow up.” If they’re a persistent bugger and blow past this roadblock, Plan C kicks into effect, “Yeah, when you put it that way, your life really does suck. But hey, I know a great gun store down the street that I can hook you up with so you can off yourself.” That’ll be sure to shut ‘em up.

Song of the Week: “Safety Brick” by Broken Social Scene. Probably as emo as I’ll ever care to get, but it’s one of those songs you find yourself whistling or humming all day. You can thank/hit me later.

Quote of the Week: “I think it's important to just go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out - but what if it does.” - Lisa Rands

Random Fact of the Week: About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.

Picture of the Week: A random picture I saw online and couldn’t help but laugh at

Until next week, I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign,


Fred

October 19, 2007 Scare Tactics

Here’s something we need more of in this world. There’s so much going on out there, so many resources to attain information, and yet, people seem so ill-informed. I think we all know how to change this: Scare tactics! “A recent study has shown that eating cereal will lead to death.” Well, maybe SLIGHTLY misleading, but I sure bet it would make you want to listen or read more.

Here’s one that would get guys and gals to go to their doctors: “Recent medical studies have shown that untreated cases of certain STDs can lead to impotence, and in severe cases, and actual shrinking of the male reproductive organ.” Or “Studies have shown that women with untreated STDs have seen serious complications with birth, ranging from babies being born with mental retardation, to babies being born with multiple appendages.” Yep, 100% false, but I’m willing to bet that regular check ups would become a routine (and I’d buy some stock in any company selling condoms, as sales are likely to skyrocket).

People are always running around too busy to stop and listen to important information. Feeding off of last weeks article, it seems as if people are becoming more and more shut off so that they’re only interested in news or events that will directly affect them. What better a way to catch someone’s attention than to tell them that if they partake in certain life choices, body parts will start falling off. It pains me to say this, but in a time when news has become more tabloid and entertainment-based, the only redeeming quality of it (aside from Matt Lauer’s exquisitely soothing voice and refreshing personality) is their ability to use the scare tactic to catch the audience’s attention. Bravo news! Now I’m too afraid to leave my house in fear that a mad cow from England will wander into my front yard and step on an Afghani land-mine, triggering Iran to launch its test-phase nuclear capabilities, thus skyrocketing oil prices to over $100 a barrel, and in the end, when it all boils down to it, I’ll still be too afraid to send my kids to school because they’ll probably get shot.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe scare tactics aren’t such a good idea; we should all just abide by the good ol’ “ignorance is bliss” proverb. It helps me sleep better at night not knowing that there’s a higher chance for kids to die in school than on the streets of Fallujah, or that there’s been a significant increase in the number of pirate attacks worldwide. Think it can’t happen to you? You never know who might be a pirate behind closed doors . . .

Song of the Week: “Lectric” by Film School.

Quote of the Week: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” - His reply

Random Fact of the Week: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

Picture of the Week: Che?

Until next week, Baby Ruth?


Fred

October 12, 2007 iConsumer

This is something that has bothered me for awhile, so seeing as I don’t have anything better to write about, I figured I’d consult OJ and take a stab at it. Has anyone really taken notice of the iPod advertisements? I don’t know if it’s the cynic in me, but I feel like Apple is blatantly playing the community. When you see their image ads or even some commercials, it’s usually a silhouette of a person rockin out to a little Pat Benatar or Boy George. However, when you think about it, the only defining feature or quality about these people is that they own an iPod. Maybe they like to help AIDS victims, maybe they just donated $10,000 to cancer studies, maybe they just helped pass a law to ban reality TV shows, who knows. What’s REALLY important about them is that they own an iPod! In a country that has shifted so heavily towards individualism and self-expression, and even slightly narcissism, it astounds me that a product and an ad that completely counters that idea can perform so well. I think it’s hard to push the idea that owning an iPod helps define you or makes you stick out from a crowd when 110 million other people across the world own one. This certainly isn’t a knock on anyone that owns one; I think most of the people I know own an iPod (I’m still staying true to my 1GB SanDisk). I do question, and hope to draw attention to, the fact that Apple is basically calling you a faceless consumer. Does that bother anyone else just a little bit? I’m not going to stand up on my soapbox here and act self-righteous, but it is something that I do find interesting, while at the same time slightly bothersome. Now I don’t expect them to give every person a little heart-felt hug and home baked cookies for being loyal to their products, as business is business, but I expected a little more respect than basically stating, “We don’t care what you do or who you are, just buy our shit so we can get to looking at our bottom line.”


Song of the Week: “Fake Empire” by The National.

Quote of the Week: “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Random Fact of the Week: Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names

Picture of the Week: Another clever ad.

Until next week, you don’t have to put on the red light,


Fred

October 5, 2007 What Would Possess Someone To Do This?

Some things you come across (or in this matter are sent to you), and it stops you dead in your tracks, immediately causing the reaction: “Are you F****** serious?!” I’m going to let this segment speak for itself; the following was a Craig’s List ad (please read all the way to the bottom, the response is the best):

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village.
What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


Song of the Week: “Like Trumpets” by With Honor.

Quote of the Week: “When it comes to women, men are like bank accounts; without a lot of money they generate little interest.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow.

Picture of the Week: not sure if it's real or not, but I do know one thing: hilarious.

Until next week, As-Salāmu `Alaykum.


Fred

September 28, 2007 5 Things that Induce Road Rage

After a little over a year of living in the city, I’ve increased my tolerance for bad drivers, and have learned to keep my road rage to a minimum. However, there are still a few things that really get to me every time they occur.

5) People who don’t use blinkers. I’m not really sure when in the evolution in driving using your blinker became an option. I probably sound like a soccer mom, but it’s for EVERYONE’S safety and use, not just your own. The best is when someone in front of you all of a sudden stops, and decides they want to parallel park. I don’t read minds, I leave that business to Miss Cleo. Due to the lack of reaction time you’ve left me, I get right up on your ass, and then that person gets pissed that I am preventing them from parking. Well buddy, the blinker would’ve been your ticket to pass go and collect $200, instead you get to go straight to jail.

4) People who text message or talk on a cell phone while driving. I’m not going to go into too much detail on this one (refer to the April 20th post), but every time I see it, I’m one step closer to buying large rubber bumpers and teaching you a lesson.

3) Unnecessary use of the horn. I’m a fairly impatient person when it comes to driving; however, I think it’s a little excessive to honk at someone .76 seconds after the light has turned green. It might just be a Boston/New York/northern thing, but still. I know when I was in North Carolina and Virginia, people would usually give you a 5-10 second grace period, which is what I try to give people, out of courtesy. But if you’re not John Force up here, you’re gonna get an earful. I’d really like a university to do a sociology study as to what the difference in average time between green light, not moving, and honking would be between different cities. That’s something I’d be interested in having my tax dollars go towards.

2) People in crosswalks. Sometimes I wish I were back in Europe. Pedestrians have no rights over there when it comes to walking on streets, as they shouldn’t. Too many people in America feel have a sense of entitlement so they feel they can just take their sweet time when crossing a street. If you have that green hand telling you it’s ok to walk, sure, take your time, but if there’s oncoming traffic, you better hustle buster. I know that when I see a 3500-pound steel beast capable of vaporizing a deer or demolishing the brick wall to a local Lil’ Peach coming at me, I put a little pep in my step. I hate to break it to you, you’re not as important as you think you are, so move.

1) Asian drivers. Yep, you’ve all experienced it before. And if you’re Asian and reading this, I don’t blame you, just your genes. I know it’s not fair to clump ALL Asian drivers into one category, as there are a few good Asian drivers out there (I’ve actually met a few, they do exist, I swear). But I hate to be the one to say it: some stereotypes are made for a reason. I avoid Asian drivers like the plague. If I see one driving on the street, it’s time to take my chances driving into oncoming traffic; I’d probably have a lowered chance of being involved in an accident that way.


Song of the Week: "Hateful" by The Clash.

Quote of the Week: “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.” – George W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: The word “nerd” was first coined by Dr. Seuss in “If I Ran the Zoo.”

Picture of the Week: I’m sure there’s a legitimate story behind this picture, but it’s still one of my all-time favorites, mostly because of the cheesy Paint caption.

Until next week, You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.


Fred

September 21, 2007 Why People Hate America Pt: 4

I know I’ve touched upon media-related issues just about as many times as Arnold has molested women, but I couldn’t help myself on this one. "Oprah asks Justin about Britney."Is it just me, or does it seem that news is gravitating more towards entertainment. More and more stories are shifting from delivering us important information that affects us and the world around us, and more towards celebrity gossip (on that note, did anyone else hear that JT has a new girlfriend?!) and creating misleading headlines to drive viewer traffic. I made sure to click on the link and read to the story to gauge its relevance to American society and the world around us, if not at least to get some sort of entertainment at how ridiculous it would be. I can say with confidence: It had none. It wasn’t even amusing; he just answered that he hasn’t talked to her in years and that when he knew her she was a good person. Way to be PC about it pal, I was looking for a little dirt. I would’ve been more amused with a story covering Bobo, the blind mime (how the hell would he know where that wall is anyways?) Either way, the stories that the media are starting to focus on have become about as useful and relevant as male nipples.

Another reason for importance of legitimate news is to be able to hold intelligent and informed conversations with others. I’m not sure “Like, JT said some shit about Britney last night with Oprah,” really counts as an intelligent contribution to the well-being of others. Maybe it’s just me, but I think “Justin Timberlake announced yesterday whilst conversing with Oprah Winfrey that he had limited knowledge regarding the well-being of Britney Spears’s mental state. Sources have informed us that although JT “hit that,” he retains nothing but good-will towards the psychologically troubled ‘singer’.” would’ve worked a little better . . . again, maybe it’s just me.

Song of the Week: “Elaborama” by Every Time I Die. Oh yes . . . it's time to rock.

Quote of the Week: “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.” – Ellen Goodman

Random Fact of the Week: Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Picture of the Week: WHERE DO I GO?!

Until next week, don’t go chasing waterfalls.


Fred

September 14, 2007 What is the World Coming To?

This story has a couple different points I could tackle, so I made sure to steal a little Ritalin before writing it to prevent some ADD. In case you haven’t heard, a little 9 year-old girl wrote a note to a classmate saying she was going to kill her over a bag of chips and a zebra cake. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Suzie Q’s, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, and other assorted Hostess® brand products, but seven and a half times out of ten I wouldn’t threaten a life over it. This is basically what the note read:
“I have a gun and first I'm going to shoot you in the shoulder, then you're going to shoot me back with a bazooka, but you're gonna miss and then I'm going to shoot you back and kill you...”
10-15 years ago, yeah, that could slide. But not now, not in the post-9/11 era. Everyone’s at threat level red (what the hell does this even mean?) I mean, come on, sure the girl’s a little wacky, but obviously this girl lost all legitimate threat potential when she said her counterpart would shoot her back with a bazooka, AFTER she first shoots her in the shoulder. Has everyone forgotten about the size of the bags they wore in 2nd and 3rd grade? You’d be lucky if you could fit your GI Joe lunchbox in them, let alone a bazooka. It’d be a little conspicuous for her to walk through the door of the classroom with it. “Suzie, what do you have there?” “Oh nothing Ms. Smith, it’s just my inhaler.”

But apparently this little girl writing “threatening notes” is suspended. And what did the mother of the note-recipient say about it? She’s pulling her daughter out of that school and transferring her to another. What the hell has this world come to? People can’t take a little adversity anymore. I think instead of pulling her daughter out of the class she should be a good role model and sit down for a little mother-daughter bonding time to draft a retort to the first note. Could go a little something like this: “But when you shoot me back, the bullet will bounce off of me because I have super-powers, and then I’ll get my cabbage patch doll army to come over to your house when you’re asleep and attack you!”

And the “officials” are trying to figure out how to punish the girl that wrote the note. I can give you a little help with that: have her parents smack her around the house a little, tell her never to do it again, and then send her on her merry way.

Moral of the story: Hit your kids, they’ll turn out better that way.


Song of the Week: “Arizona” by Kings of Leon.

Quote of the Week: “Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.” - John Barrymore

Random Fact of the Week: Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

Picture of the Week: Poor taste ABC . . .



Until next week, it’s alright, cuz I’m saved by the bell.


Fred

September 7, 2007 Chivalry is Dead

There’s been a longstanding complaint by women that chivalry is dead, that guys have lost that “polite edge” that it takes to be a gentleman. Well you know what killed it? Feminism. All these strong independent women out there ruined it for you. Even though they make up roughly 5% of the actual female populous in America, they managed to ruin it for the other 95% of women that actually enjoy having men stand up on buses for them, hold doors open, and pay for dinners at restaurants. Let’s take a quick look back through history when minorities oppressed large majorities. I bet Nelson Mandela could throw in his two cents. I think it might be time for the silent majority of women to stand up and call out this group of outspoken rage-oholics.

I say chivalry is not dead; I think men are just confused. Do you want me to hold the door open for you out of general courtesy, or should I respect your almighty strength and admire your womanly roar. I don’t know, what SHOULD I do? Obviously Mel Gibson knows what women want, but I don’t. Could be roses, could be a hammer so you can break through that scenic glass ceiling of yours. Listen, if you want to be independent, I’ll GLADLY let you pay for your $40 entree. Just tell me. I’ll respect your wishes. All you need to do is communicate. No more of this sitting on the fence business, it’s leaving a weird indent in your butt, and yes, those jeans do make it look big, but please don’t castrate me.

Just like Bob Marley said: “Smoke two joints in the morning, smoke two joints at night.” Wait no, wrong anthem.
Take two: “Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights!”

Song of the Week: “Something Worth Saving” by Tiger Bear Wolf.

Quote of the Week: “There’s no use in being a pessimist, it wouldn’t work anyway.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: George W. Bush is the first u.s. president to declare himself exempt from over 750 U.S. laws, sidestepping most of the bill of rights including the constitutional requirement that the president follow all laws. Yes, they mentioned it specifically to suppress tyranny

Picture of the Week: Probably the coolest ad ever

Until next week, take a bite out of crime.


Fred

August 31, 2007 Pollution

Pollution is an unwelcome concentration of substances that are beyond the environment’s capacity to handle. These substances are detrimental to people and other living things. North Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.

Ok, so I’m not going to talk about pollution because I don’t want to make you fall asleep on a Friday. However, every thousand years or so a divine being, whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, or The Fonz, delivers something so incredible that you just have to stop and appreciate it. Today I would like to discuss Miss Teen USA.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

What.
The.
Fuck.

Seriously . . .

I’m just leaving it at that. What I enjoyed even more was the fact that she re-answered the question later on the Today Show, as if it would cover-up what she said. And even with a few days to think about it, this is what she came up with:

“Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”

But what about “the Iraq?!” I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you don’t get a second chance, just ask OJ (oh wait, he got off). First off, she’s bragging about knowing where the US is on the map. It’s times like these that I wish I worked at that sticker factory I mentioned earlier so I could give her a gold star. Hooray for you! And to think her high school actually let her graduate. Secondly, I think it’s a little pompous that she’s not only bragging that she knows where it is, but also that she’s putting kids down that don’t, making them feel like outsiders or outcasts. Poor little Pablo may not have enough money to afford a map or a proper education, but he has such a big heart and the desire to learn; it’s not his fault poor socioeconomic conditions limit his capabilities. I’m Sally Struthers, and for just $1 a month you can help Pablo get that map he’s always wanted. Nice example you’re setting Miss Teen USA third runner-up. Not only are you dumb, but you’re an elitist as well. I’m so disappointed in you . . .


Song of the Week: “Trouble’s Gonna Stay Awhile” by The Deadly Snakes. Not many bands can rock a piano.

Quote of the Week: “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.” - Sen. Mary Anne Tebedo

Random Fact of the Week: No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. (I wish I had a statistic for the percent of you that will try it. Tally 1 for me)

Picture of the Week: Smartass

Until next week, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.


Fred

August 24, 2007 Convenience Charges

Let’s talk about these so-called “Convenience Fees” that Ticketmaster and other ticket organizations like to throw onto the end of your purchase.

I’ve recently bought tickets to a few different shows around the area. I’ll provide a screenshot of my latest purchase just to give you a better sense.

$10 tickets, awesome, that’s something to get excited about. You can’t even find that price at old washed-up band concerts like Everclear or Rip Van Winkle. But wait, what’s this? I’m paying for a building facility charge? What does that even mean? I’d rather you just tack that onto the total cost so I can’t see how you’re ripping me off. And from what I understand, this price changes (at the same venue nonetheless) depending on the face-value of tickets. And a Convenience Charge? What’s the convenience? I get to drive an hour to the show, deal with the traffic and parking, wash the puke off my car from a 17 year old girl that’s drinking for the first time, pick up my tickets, and THEN sardine my way in through the doors to see the bands. Sounds pretty convenient to me Mr. Corporate Exec. That’s not convenience. Sending two blonde models to my door delivering me my tickets on a silver platter is convenient; emailing me my tickets to I can print them out using my own ink and own paper is not convenient, so don’t take my money for work I’m doing. And then you charge me for processing my ticket. So basically what you’re telling me is that my ticket cost me $10, and the charges you incurred were $15.70 . . . maybe I’m a little stingy, but what? Last I heard, Massachusetts sales tax was 5%, not 157%! Luckily I enjoyed the show and my $8 cans of beer (I won’t even get started).

And another show I ordered tickets for only charged me $4 as a service charge. I was pretty excited about that . . . until I realized they charged me $2.50 as a “Shipping Charge.” Side story: they EMAILED me my tickets. I’m not a tech wiz, but last I checked you just click the button that says “send,” and that’s even if it’s not a fully automated process. Not to whine, but I’m tired of getting nickel and dimed for these B-S so-called “convenience charges” by these conglomerates.

I pledge never to give Ticketmaster another dime of my hard earned money.


Song of the Week: “Spilled Milk Factory” by Ugly Casanova.

Quote of the Week: “Have a nice day. That’s the trouble with ‘Have a nice day.’ It puts all the pressure on you. Now you have to go out and somehow arrange to have a positive experience.” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: 7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood.

Picture of the Week: I’m confused . . . why’s he holding a sewing machine?

Until next week, London calling to the faraway towns.


Fred

August 17, 2007 PMS: Pissed Male Syndrome

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Women have PMS, men have . . . what DO men have?

It seems as though one common disclaimer pokes its ugly little head every time a girl acts unpleasant: “I’m on my period.” Yes, I used the “P” word every guy hates to hear, whether it’s because that girl is now sexually off limits or if it’s because you’re within her 5 mile bitch-radius. There’s no way to stop it; it’s like a nuclear bomb, there’s nothing that can shelter you from it, if you’re exposed to the bitch-radiation you’re pretty much a goner. In the event of an incident, find the nearest desk and get under it. All you can do is pray you’re far enough away to be safe. This has almost become an immediate assumption for most though; when a girl acts bitchy, most people automatically assume that it’s because she’s on her period.

However, what do men have? Sure we have the occasional “I broke up with my girlfriend,” “My boss is a huge dick,” or “someone stole my Cabbage Patch Kid” excuse for being a jerk, but in all seriousness, it seems the only time a guy is “allowed” to act like a dick is when he’s drunk. No wonder there are so many alcoholics. I think women need to start handing out free coupons; anytime she uses the “P” excuse for being unpleasant or being whiny and emotional around men, they should get a free vent session. “The bearer of this coupon is entitled to a complementary 5 minute ‘being a dick’ session. Offer valid through next cycle.” Either that or just buy the guy a handle of Jack Daniels, that’ll make things interesting.


Song of the Week: “The First Song” by Band of Horses.

Quote of the Week: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” – Wayne Gretzky

Random Fact of the Week: There is a city called Rome in every continent

Picture of the Week: Wait, so is this irony, or just a REALLY bad coincidence?

Until next week, Make sure your seatback is in its full upright position.


Fred

August 10, 2007 Stickers!

It’s amazing how much a simple colorful adhesive applied with precision to a piece of schoolwork can dramatically alter the impact or message. I was recently having a conversation with a co-worker while on a boat cruise (degree of sobriety still questionable) and we managed to stumble upon the topic of how we enjoyed getting stickers on school papers way back when we were young chaps. A very appropriate side story is that he actually worked on an assembly line that produced stickers, most of which were for school grading. Probably one of the most random things ever . . . but back to stickers.

Just think back on the good ol’ days when you would get an assignment or test back and it would have a smiley face or some crazy sun giving you two thumbs up (since when does the sun have appendages, and why would you ever want it to be 10 inches from your face). Even if you managed to perform poorly on a test or art project, a sticker would make it all better. I can definitely say there’s a huge difference between a teacher writing a message and a teacher slapping on a little stickery goodness to my paper. I know if a teacher wrote “see me after class,” I’d fake the flu and go hide in an orphanage. However, if she popped on a little “see me after class” sticker with a frowny elephant, you can bet I’d be the first one at her desk once class was over. “Hey mom, you need to sign this paper because I got a 55% on it, but it’s ok because the teacher gave me a sticker!”

I think the next big thing will be stickers in the workspace; it would definitely work to promote office efficiency and enthusiasm. I’m definitely going to work harder than Beaver Cleaver in order to get that sticker from upper management on my report. And I think I’d feel a little less postal if instead of getting a boring pink slip I got an awesome sticker on my keyboard of a penguin giving me two thumbs up saying “You’re Fired.” At least I’d have a cool sticker to give my kid before I gave him up for adoption and move to Copley Square to sleep on vent grates.

Song of the Week: “The Rescue Blues” by Ryan Adams.

Quote of the Week: “Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: A typist’s fingers travel over 12 and a half miles in an average day.

Picture of the Week: I am so confused . . .



Until next week, the tribe has spoken.


Fred

August 3, 2007 The Natural Reaction Confirmation Question

It’s either dumb human instinct or a lack of trust that leads us to ask the annoying “natural reaction confirmation question.” This usually comes in the form of hearing some big news or giving approval/disapproval of something. I bet you all can think of one instance. Let’s have an example.

So Peggy Sue and Shantel are talking over a nice lunch. Peggy Sue has big news for Shantel. “So . . . I’m pregnant!” And of course, the first natural reaction of Shantel is to say: “Oh my god! You’re pregnant?!” It is at this point in which Peggy Sue can declare April Fool’s, which there’s only a .27% chance it really is April Fool’s, or she’ll just re-affirm her previous statement. After a minute or two of high pitched squealing that only dogs and bats would be able to understand, the two overly stereotypically named and profiled women proceed to deeper conversation (deeper meaning further along, not actual deep or meaningful conversation). An example on the bad side would be Billy Bob and Tyrone talking over a few malt liquor refreshments, when Tyrone says, “Dude, Shantel’s pregnant.” Instant reaction: “She’s pregnant?! What the hell’d you do that for?!”

Another prime example of this is the marriage declaration. However, this is not to be confused with the Declaration of Independence (also, refer to divorce on page 312). Going off on a tangent, (a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2], I find it funny how the reactions to that news significantly differs between guys and girls. Girls scream and jump and talk about dresses and how the guy’s a cheap bastard for not getting the 2 carat princess cut diamond in white gold, while guys act as if they’ve lost a brother: “Oh man, I’m really sorry to hear that, that sucks.”

But, people generally tend to repeat the statement when in some sort of disbelief, whether it be good or bad. What is it that makes humans do this? Is it lack of trust? Or is it just plain stupidity. Keep your eye out for this as you will start to notice it in social settings, either by you or an acquaintance. As the famous saying goes: Stupid is as stupid does. But if stupid does, this means you have a chance stonewall the stupid and make things right again.

Song of the Week: “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Yes, inspired by Shawn.

Quote of the Week: “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades . . . or a game of fake heart attack.” - Demetri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Picture of the Week: You better recognize!

Until next week, apply ointment liberally to the affected area.


Fred

July 27, 2007 Made in China

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you see the phrase “Made in China?” Probably cheap, not reliable, might have cat products in it, etc. But what about deadly? In a recent CNN article, China has been nicknamed the “Wild West” due to its poor regulatory system, which has allowed exports that have caused many health-related issues recently.

In a very informative elaborate interview, a senior product safety counsel with the U.S. Consumers Union, the publisher of Consumer Reports magazine made sure we understood the severity of the situation. “Anything that does not meet our standards should not be allowed to be imported.” Oh man, I can breathe easy now. But, just to reiterate: “Anything that does not meet our standards should not be allowed to be imported.” I just kind of assumed that was an unspoken rule, but hey, what do I know. A business professor at the University of Maryland and former chief economist at the U.S. International Trade Commission, said, “They're basically producing poisonous products, selling them to their own people and then selling them on to us.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa . . . whoa. Accusing China of trying to poison us? Blasphemy! Has he eaten Chinese take-out in the past decade? Utterly delectable (though it just makes you feel gross and you’re hungry again an hour later). They might be trying to poison poor Panamanians, or some cats and dogs here and there, but to accuse them of trying to kill off the planet? This is worse than those pesky Nationalist Socialists in the 1930’s and ‘40s.

“40 percent of all consumer products imported into the United States last year (almost $250 billion worth of goods) were manufactured in China. From 1997 to 2004, the share of all U.S. imports of consumer products from China increased by nearly 300 percent.” They’d be stupid NOT to try and poison us or kill off the youth of America with faulty Skip-Its or Snap Bracelets. But, just to make sure the Chinese have their say, “Beijing stands by its products and says people should not be worried about ‘Made in China’ goods.” Uh, 10 years too late buster. “Consumers shouldn't be scared of Chinese products. They should have a reputation of being good quality, cheap and safe,” said a spokesman for the foreign ministry. He certainly got the cheap part right. But all is well in the world of imports. I’m not worried about any South Beach Diets or Atkins Diets; I’m riding on my new Fear-Free diet. I’m certainly not scared about eating products from pigs fattened on force-fed wastewater, dairy cows given so many antibiotics they can't produce yogurt from their milk and lard made from sewage. And it’s probably propaganda that a Chinese government report earlier this month found that 20 percent of food and products for domestic consumption failed inspection. 20%!


Song of the Week: “Leaving Babylon” by 311. Definitely the epitome of “chill.”

Quote of the Week: “Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” - John Lehman (former US secretary of the Navy)

Random Fact of the Week: Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

Picture of the Week: Most likely the case

Until next week, I say stop when touching bothers me.


Fred

July 20, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 3

Coming into today I had no idea what I was going to mickey mouse together and loosely call an article. However, after an early morning conversation with an intern (from out of the country, which plays an important factor in the context) I’ve reaffirmed my belief that America is just plain and simple fat.

Intern was talking about first impressions of America. The FIRST impression Intern had was that America is fat. Not that the people try to be nice, not that it’s a very modern country that emphasizes hard work, not that we offer outstanding job opportunities, some of the best colleges and medical facilities. It’s that we’re fat. I’m not talking “I’m trying to lose a few pounds so I’ll look good in my bathing suit” fat. I’m talking about the 300+ lbs fat. Anyone else upset by that? “It’s not just that people are fat, but it’s that I’ve seen fat in places on people I’ve never even seen before. There are so many obese people.” Hold on Intern, let me just wash the vomit out of my mouth. Also, another appropriate observation was that half the time Intern would see fat people, they’d be walking around eating McDonald’s assembly line mutations or drinking a coke (maybe they were saving it for an emergency in which they would need to use it as a substitute for engine oil. Refer to the 4/13/07 post).

Granted some people can argue that it’s genetic. Sure, for some that’s true; I’ll give you a break and let you take all the time you need on the SATs as well. I’m going to go ahead and write you out a prescription for Accountability. Everyone wants to point the finger at someone else. “I’m fat because mommy and daddy did it to me.” All because of mommy and daddy? I’ll make sure to go slap them on the wrist and lock them up for child abuse, but give me a break, take some responsibility and ownership of your actions. I think it is sad to see kids that are fat, because in most cases, it is genetic or it is the fault of the parents. But how long can you continue to use that excuse; what's the cut-off, when you're a legal adult at 18? The more you tell people that, the more you start to honestly believe it yourself. If you know you’re going to face that issue, start doing something to prevent it, don’t rack up frequent flyer miles at McDonald’s. Not to be overly critical or people, but this is the first impression people are getting of America. Is that really what we want it to be?


Song of the Week: “Rest My Chemistry” by Interpol

Quote of the Week: “There’s no me in team.” – Lauren Lawlor

Random Fact of the Week: The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Picture of the Week: Best add ever



Until next week, fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.


Fred

July 13, 2007 A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

Ok, so maybe it won’t be 1000 words, but enjoy it nonetheless:




I wonder what is going through the cops’ heads at that moment; they have the biggest grins on their faces. It could also be some sort of rookie cop hazing. The two on the left look intimidating with their big black uniforms on, while the sorry knucklehead writing the ticket has his nice little hat on, a pressed mall security shirt, and that big “come kick me in the ass” orange reflective gear. And he’s the one writing the ticket too.

He must be having a field day though; how do you not burst out laughing during an incident like that. “I’m sorry sir/ma’am; I’m writing you up for eating too many paint chips as a child.” What about the person IN the car? “I’m sorry officer, the captain of my brain ship was drunk behind the wheel again, but don’t worry, I practice abstinence.”

A few other questions to ponder as well:
What’s with all the random tractor trailers and dump trucks around?
Why is the pickup stopped on the yellow line?
Is that cop taking pictures/video?
Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense.


Song of the Week: “Phoenix in Flight” by Converge

Quote of the Week: “Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.” - Charles Barkley after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics

Random Fact of the Week: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Picture of the Week: See above

Until next week, don’t eat paint chips.


Fred

July 6, 2007 Girls? Confusing? Nah

An old adage states: “Girls are more attracted to and want to date assholes.” I’ve half-heartedly believed that statement through the years; last night was a complete confirmation of that assessment.

It was humid and overcast that fateful July night in the summer of 2007, the streets bustled with commotion as pedestrians dodged overzealous automobiles. Workers went about their daily routine as dusk approached, setting stage for another unpredictable evening in the dynamic streets of the city. A fresh breeze swept through steel giants as it cooled the faces of the dawdling citizens. As Fred and the Mt. Hood Boys approached the restaurant, uncertainty emerged as unfamiliar faces were greeted with similarly unfamiliar smiles.

Alright, that’s too much effort. Basically I went out to dinner for a friend of a friend’s birthday. Upon doing so, I was introduced to an unfamiliar person of the female persuasion; we’ll call her Stranger Girl. Five minutes or so into the dinner (while sitting next to said female) another friend came in and sandwiched me between Stranger Girl and herself. While the two immediately jumped into personal conversation, I continued to space off and wonder why the Wonder Years was ever cancelled, and how the hell hair bands lasted as long as they did. After falling face first back down to earth, I looked at both girls and volunteered to move so they could talk without damaging the hearing in both of my ears. They felt bad, but agreed. After which, Stranger Girl asked if she was being annoying by talking through me. My response: “Yeah you were, but it’s ok, you only get one chance to make a first impression . . . so much for that one.” Now, I realize I can be pretty dry, and sometimes strangers might not catch onto my sarcasm. However, even I thought that my retort to her statement was pretty dick-like. So the dinner continued, and since I already assumed I had pigeon-holed her impression of me, I kept rolling with it. Fast forward a few hours and a rainy softball game. Another close friend, Anonymous Girl, came up to me and showed me a text message that Stranger Girl had sent her. It read as follows: “I had a great time at dinner, it was good to see everyone . . . Also, Fred was pretty cute, work your magic for me.” (I think she was thinking of someone else).

I can honestly say, the only thing I did was act extremely sarcastic/borderline jerky throughout the entire dinner. Girls=Rosetta_Stone.

Moral of the story: Although Ivy is a fine dining establishment with delectable tapas plates, for the money you pay there are better Tapas restaurants in Boston.

Song of the Week: “Like Eating Glass” by Bloc Party. Brit Rock!

Quote of the Week: “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” - George W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

Picture of the Week: Good to know, room for two please.


Until next week, danger Will Robinson!


Fred

June 30, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 2

Included is a list of the top 25 Search Engine Keywords of the Week. Take a quick poke through:

1 myspace
2 google
3 games play
4 yahoo
5 ebay
6 myspace.com
7 game cheats for ps2
8 mapquest
9 ps 2 game cheats
10 paris hilton
11 yahoo.com
12 youtube
13 girls
14 pc game cheats
15 play game
16 obituaries
17 play games
18 linkin park
19 rihanna
20 pictures of cats
21 jessica alba
22 sperm shack movies
23 claudia cohen
24 lyrics music
25 craigslist

I didn’t find a single keyword relating to anything I would deem important. There was nothing indicating searches for “foreign news,” “American/US News” “healthcare,” or even “presidential information/policy/platform.” (Yes, I understand that gives the American public WAY more credit than due). A keyword that MIGHT be considered remotely important was “wedding vows” which came in at #190, though I was shocked not to find “divorce information,” or “take him for all he’s worth” coming in shortly thereafter. I also find it interesting that people (probably mostly men) are going to the internet to find wedding vows or ideas. Aren’t they supposed to “come from the heart?”

The first thing to pop up under a non “consumer interest” category was the generic term “News” at #238. This was sandwiched between “Kiss” and “Elvis.” Last I checked, Elvis has been dead for 30 years (sad thing is, I had to perform a Google search to find that information, thus, boosting the ratings of that keyword closer to “News”). So people would almost rather find out information about a dead pop singer than relevant information about what’s happening in the world . . . disappointing. So next time you go to search for something on Google or Yahoo! (which interestingly enough hold a combined 89% of the search engine market share) think twice, because people are always tracking what you’re searching for and sending.

Song of the Week: “Boomerang” by Black Lips. Garage Punk fused with late ‘60’s rock.

Quote of the Week: “I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
- Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

Random Fact of the Week: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down, hence the expression “to get fired.”

Picture of the Week: I found him! I know where he is!

Until next week, domo arigato Mr. Roboto.


Fred

June 22, 2007 Thank You For Your Interest

During my tenure as an unemployed American, I spent most of my time applying to jobs and figuring out better ways to annoy people. On one fateful day, March 27, 2007, I found a job posting that seemed extremely interesting to me. It was a Research Associate role within the Harvard Business School. However, to my dismay, this seeming match made in heaven was never to be. They notified me on June 15, 2007 that they had reviewed my resume and that I was not a good fit. What upset me was not that I had been turned away, it was that they took almost 3 months to get back to me. After polishing off a carton of Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching Days of Our Lives reruns, I sent the following letter to Harvard (names and addresses changed to protect identity):

June 20, 2007

Jane Doe
Director of Human Resources

Harvard Business School

Soldiers Field

Boston, MA 02163

Dear Ms. Doe:

Thank you for your recent posting informing me of a position you thought might be of interest to me within your organization. I certainly appreciate your interest in my skills.

After reviewing your credentials, I have determined that your opportunity does not suit my needs at this time. After interviewing many potential employers in my search process, I have accepted another opportunity whose reputation, credentials, and opportunity were better suited for my needs.

My initial impression of Harvard was that it stood for initiative, diligence, and character. However, over the past few months, I have seen that this is not the case. My impression of Harvard now is of laziness and an overall lack of character. That is not the type of organization with which I would like to associate myself or my career.

If a need arises for me to contact you in the future, I will retain your information on file for one year. Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Fred Caloggero


Song of the Week: “Milestones” by Miles Davis.

Quote of the Week: “I often want to drown my sorrows, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” Jimmy Carter

Random Fact of the Week: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

Picture of the Week: Shitty Kitty

Until next week, if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.


Fred

June 15, 2007 Hybrid Words

There comes a time in every (wo)man’s life when words need to be abbreviated or fused to describe something. I’m not talking about “obvi” or “fab,” nor fantabulous, I’m talking about the real deal here people, two completely disconnected words coming together in intercourse to manifest an offspring word that will completely transform your vocabulary and also significantly decrease the number of people that talk to you. Here are some of the words that need to be incorporated into the English language:

Voluntyranny©† (volunteer + tyranny): The act of forcing people to volunteer against their own will. Ex: In high school, the coaches would make the football team volunteer to do community service to make ourselves look good to the community. We didn’t want to, but we were forced to through voluntyranny.

Maniactivity©† (maniac + activity): The activity or actions of maniacs. Ex: “Check out that maniactivity; motherfucker be riding a bicycle down Newbury St. yelping at people.”

Populution©‡ (population + pollution): When certain races or less than ideal demographics “pollute” areas/events and ruin its appeal. Ex: The populution is so bad in this place, they should all be shipped back to (insert country/Iranian nuclear testing ground here).

Feel free to create new ones and corrupt your friends as well.

©† 2004 Ben McDearmon and Nils McBride
©‡ 2005 Fred Caloggero

Song of the Week: “Sweets” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Quote of the Week: “How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.” – Anonymous manufacturer.

Random Fact of the Week: The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees.

Picture of the Week: cmon . . . COME ON. Please don’t breed.



Until next week, let’s go to Moe for the official results.


Fred

June 8, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 1

I think I could go on for hours about this topic, however I’ll keep it to a minimum due to the fact most cube-dwellers out there actually need to work. So one thing I’ve always had a problem with is the media and what they spoon feed the public as important. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve got instant breaking news on Paris Hilton’s prison debacle programmed to be text messaged to me every 30 minutes. “OMG!” Thank god for the media and their coverage of it, otherwise I’d be reading stories about boring relevant things, like the G8 summit or diplomatic talks with Iran. LOL, OMG, I’d be all like, no way am I like reading that stuff, it’s like, WICKED boring. SMMFD!

So as I read through the news on CNN.com, this was the big headline: “Bono Takes Off His Glasses.” There is zero exaggeration in that line; that is word for word what appeared on their website. Well chalk that one up in the category of things I don’t give a shit about. He became so worked up during an interview about the G8 summit that he took his glasses off in exasperation. Well you know what media? I got so upset WATCHING it that I took off MY glasses, and since it’s Friday and I’m feeling scrappy, I’m going to raise Bono a shoe. Now the glasses AND the shoe are off, that’s how upset I am of your choice to cover that piece of “news” and not about something else, like Russian President Putin and his increasingly erratic statements threatening European cities. If you read foreign newspapers, you’d notice that they include much coverage of foreign affairs and world news. In America? That space is taken up by Paris Hilton updates and the newest mouthing-offs of Rosie O’Donnell. Though you can’t blame the media 100% in their escapades to increasingly dumb down America, they tailor to their audience. What does that mean? People actually read that shit. What I say? BAD America, BAD! You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done while the rest of the world gets to go play.

On a somewhat serious note, if you want to view real news coverage check out http://www.mondotimes.com/ and click “Local Media” to view headlines from every country in the world or http://www.wn.com/ for a condensed overview. Both have great listings, and if you’re really ambitious, compare headlines from Iranian news agencies covering the US to what we say about them. Or look at the newspaper from Israel and compare it to that of any Lebanese or Palestinian agency. You’ll quickly see that not only do people hate us because of our own self-involved media coverage, but also because of their own.


Song of the Week: “Don’t Cry Out” by Shiny Toy Guns.

Quote of the Week: “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Random Fact of the Week: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Picture of the Week: Incidentally, the crime rate in this town is among the lowest in the country.

Until next week, Yahtzee!


Fred

June 1, 2007 Money Saving Advice

You know what really grinds my gears: Money-saving advice/tips. It seems like everyone out there has something to share about how to save some money. I’ll tell you how to save money: don’t spend it. It’s that easy. After conversing with Rich, he brought to my attention an excellent article to demonstrate this point: http://frugalliving.about.com/od/householdsavings/tp/Household_Save.htm. Please click, it’s work appropriate (not to mention you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about for the rest of the article).

A great example of this common-sense blabber is #2: “Cut Back On Extras.” “Do you really need . . . the premium cable or satellite package that you subscribe to?” Well, I guess not, come to think of it, I don’t even really need a TV at all. My grandparents never had one, and they turned out just fine. I have an even better idea, just walk down to the neighborhood restaurant or pizza shop, and enjoy a nice twosie! That’s right, save on water and plumbing costs by enjoying your gastrointestinal housecleaning in a public restroom!

And another one, #6: “Seek Cheap Thrills.” Now, I’m all for saving money, but let’s be realistic. No guy in his right mind would want to take a girl out on a first or second date to a free concert and a picnic. We’ve already established that girls are black belts in the art of manipulation, but did I mention they’re also cross-trained in sniffing out cheap men? I can tell you where you’ll end up buddy . . . single and lonely watching re-runs of Growing Pains.

However, my favorite from this site is #7: “Pay Your Bills On Time.” Wow . . . WOW. Four years of college and $160,000 later I’ve realized there are some things they never teach you in academia. Come on people, I can’t believe people actually need advice like that. And to think for some out there a little light bulb goes off and they think it’s the best advice they’ve been given since mom and pops told them to wipe their ass. Speaking of light bulbs, you can do us all a favor buster, go unscrew the one in your bathroom, chew on it a little, and stick your finger into the socket. I don’t want your kids dumbing down my kids in school. In the words of Smokey the Bear, “You too can help cleanse the gene pool.”



Song of the Week: “I’m Not Ready” by Modern Life Is War.

Quote of the Week: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.” – George H. W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: Karaoke means “empty orchestra” in Japanese.

Picture of the Week: And they’ll give you a SPECIAL deal if you’re Islamic

Until next week, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean people want to hear it,


Fred