October 26, 2007 Bad-Weather Friends

In a recent workplace discussion, something came to my attention. We all know the term “fair-weather,” usually in relation to sports fans, or even friends. Sometimes too much emphasis is placed on fair-weather friends, while it is not often pointed out that some friends are “bad-weather” friends. We all know someone like this; they come around only to complain about how bad their life is. It’s completely normal to want to vent every once in awhile, and I support that for sanity’s sake. We certainly don’t want any Miltons wandering around cracking and setting buildings on fire. But sometimes it’s taken completely advantage of. Hey knucklehead, your life isn’t that bad. Were you shot at today when you were at a local market buying your mom some bread? Nope. Did an earthquake completely destroy your home and everyone around yours? Negative. Did you get to drink water that wasn’t 50% fecal matter? Well your breath doesn’t stink so I’m guessing yes. I’m afraid to inform you that you managed to fail the “My Life Sucks” test. I’d even venture to throw them in with the “One-Uppers” and “Know-It-Alls” as people I tend to avoid.

So, as a general favor to the rest of society, the next time this person approaches you, just simply throw it out there: “Well bud, things could be worse, you could have strep.” If they insist that their life is horrible, whip out the big guns, “Think of it this way, at least you don’t have to walk down the street everyday wondering if the car you’re walking past will blow up.” If they’re a persistent bugger and blow past this roadblock, Plan C kicks into effect, “Yeah, when you put it that way, your life really does suck. But hey, I know a great gun store down the street that I can hook you up with so you can off yourself.” That’ll be sure to shut ‘em up.

Song of the Week: “Safety Brick” by Broken Social Scene. Probably as emo as I’ll ever care to get, but it’s one of those songs you find yourself whistling or humming all day. You can thank/hit me later.

Quote of the Week: “I think it's important to just go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out - but what if it does.” - Lisa Rands

Random Fact of the Week: About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.

Picture of the Week: A random picture I saw online and couldn’t help but laugh at

Until next week, I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign,


Fred

October 19, 2007 Scare Tactics

Here’s something we need more of in this world. There’s so much going on out there, so many resources to attain information, and yet, people seem so ill-informed. I think we all know how to change this: Scare tactics! “A recent study has shown that eating cereal will lead to death.” Well, maybe SLIGHTLY misleading, but I sure bet it would make you want to listen or read more.

Here’s one that would get guys and gals to go to their doctors: “Recent medical studies have shown that untreated cases of certain STDs can lead to impotence, and in severe cases, and actual shrinking of the male reproductive organ.” Or “Studies have shown that women with untreated STDs have seen serious complications with birth, ranging from babies being born with mental retardation, to babies being born with multiple appendages.” Yep, 100% false, but I’m willing to bet that regular check ups would become a routine (and I’d buy some stock in any company selling condoms, as sales are likely to skyrocket).

People are always running around too busy to stop and listen to important information. Feeding off of last weeks article, it seems as if people are becoming more and more shut off so that they’re only interested in news or events that will directly affect them. What better a way to catch someone’s attention than to tell them that if they partake in certain life choices, body parts will start falling off. It pains me to say this, but in a time when news has become more tabloid and entertainment-based, the only redeeming quality of it (aside from Matt Lauer’s exquisitely soothing voice and refreshing personality) is their ability to use the scare tactic to catch the audience’s attention. Bravo news! Now I’m too afraid to leave my house in fear that a mad cow from England will wander into my front yard and step on an Afghani land-mine, triggering Iran to launch its test-phase nuclear capabilities, thus skyrocketing oil prices to over $100 a barrel, and in the end, when it all boils down to it, I’ll still be too afraid to send my kids to school because they’ll probably get shot.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe scare tactics aren’t such a good idea; we should all just abide by the good ol’ “ignorance is bliss” proverb. It helps me sleep better at night not knowing that there’s a higher chance for kids to die in school than on the streets of Fallujah, or that there’s been a significant increase in the number of pirate attacks worldwide. Think it can’t happen to you? You never know who might be a pirate behind closed doors . . .

Song of the Week: “Lectric” by Film School.

Quote of the Week: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” - His reply

Random Fact of the Week: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

Picture of the Week: Che?

Until next week, Baby Ruth?


Fred

October 12, 2007 iConsumer

This is something that has bothered me for awhile, so seeing as I don’t have anything better to write about, I figured I’d consult OJ and take a stab at it. Has anyone really taken notice of the iPod advertisements? I don’t know if it’s the cynic in me, but I feel like Apple is blatantly playing the community. When you see their image ads or even some commercials, it’s usually a silhouette of a person rockin out to a little Pat Benatar or Boy George. However, when you think about it, the only defining feature or quality about these people is that they own an iPod. Maybe they like to help AIDS victims, maybe they just donated $10,000 to cancer studies, maybe they just helped pass a law to ban reality TV shows, who knows. What’s REALLY important about them is that they own an iPod! In a country that has shifted so heavily towards individualism and self-expression, and even slightly narcissism, it astounds me that a product and an ad that completely counters that idea can perform so well. I think it’s hard to push the idea that owning an iPod helps define you or makes you stick out from a crowd when 110 million other people across the world own one. This certainly isn’t a knock on anyone that owns one; I think most of the people I know own an iPod (I’m still staying true to my 1GB SanDisk). I do question, and hope to draw attention to, the fact that Apple is basically calling you a faceless consumer. Does that bother anyone else just a little bit? I’m not going to stand up on my soapbox here and act self-righteous, but it is something that I do find interesting, while at the same time slightly bothersome. Now I don’t expect them to give every person a little heart-felt hug and home baked cookies for being loyal to their products, as business is business, but I expected a little more respect than basically stating, “We don’t care what you do or who you are, just buy our shit so we can get to looking at our bottom line.”


Song of the Week: “Fake Empire” by The National.

Quote of the Week: “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Random Fact of the Week: Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names

Picture of the Week: Another clever ad.

Until next week, you don’t have to put on the red light,


Fred

October 5, 2007 What Would Possess Someone To Do This?

Some things you come across (or in this matter are sent to you), and it stops you dead in your tracks, immediately causing the reaction: “Are you F****** serious?!” I’m going to let this segment speak for itself; the following was a Craig’s List ad (please read all the way to the bottom, the response is the best):

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village.
What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


Song of the Week: “Like Trumpets” by With Honor.

Quote of the Week: “When it comes to women, men are like bank accounts; without a lot of money they generate little interest.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow.

Picture of the Week: not sure if it's real or not, but I do know one thing: hilarious.

Until next week, As-Salāmu `Alaykum.


Fred