“Hey doc, I’m having trouble sleeping because my leg keeps moving while I’m in bed.”
“Well, that sounds to me like you have RLS.”
“Oh shit, that sounds pretty bad, what is it?!”
“Restless Leg Syndrome. I have a new drug that can help that though.”
“Ok, what are the side effects?”
“Well, common side effects include headaches, nausea . . . hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.”
Umm, let’s rewind that for a second. “Hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.” When the hell did prescription drugs start making people have crazy impulses to gamble? Does that sound crazy to anyone else aside from me? That’s not a prescription drug, that’s some sort of Las Vegas Tourism Board wonderdrug. They should start handing that stuff out like it’s Halloween candy. But that’s only the beginning, and those are only the FUNNY side effects. What about these other drugs that cure migraines and other REAL problems? Side effects including, again, nausea, fatigue, sometimes depression. But then it gets good. Uncontrollable bowel movements. OOOHHH, sign me up for that! Even though migraines affect my ability to function within society, nothing puts me back on track like wearing Depends to work every day! And they always feel the need to make these “problems” into acronyms just to make them sound scarier. “You have Erectile Dysfunction” doesn’t have the same effect as “You have ED.” Or Restless Leg Syndrome. I’d laugh at that. But if I heard I had RLS, I’d donate half of my paycheck to the first society/association I could find that does research to cure it.
I’m not even going to touch erectile dysfunction, it’s just too easy. “Call your physician if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” Sonofabitch! I wanted to be able to perform for 15 minutes, but now I’m stuck with the Washington Monument in my pants since 6pm yesterday . . . I don’t think the people at work would appreciate that very much. And god forbid any mall Santa ever take Viagra or Cialis. A lot of boys and girls would surely get a surprise that Christmas.
Song of the Week: “Given Flight by Demon’s Wings” by Shai Hulud
Quote of the Week: “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” - Dr. Leo Troy
Random Fact of the Week: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Picture of the Week: Inappropriate
Until next week, Boom goes the dynamite.
Fred
4 comments:
Oh my God! I was in stitches reading your topic of the week.
You certainly get your point across in a very comedic way!
I do not appreciate the title of this weeks article good sir. It's one thing to bash silly drugs, like RLS drugs and ED drugs (although we may argue differently in 25 years), but there is no excuse for labeling all prescription drugs with a bad name because of these crazy nonsensical drugs. Take for example vicodin, percocet, or oxycotton--these are all prescription wonder drugs! They make me feel so good, have no negative side affects (in the short term) and I can take them at work and no one will know that im all fucked up--because it doesn't smell like booz or weed! Also they create hours of entertainment--if you take 3 of them you can sit on the floor staring at the ceiling while listening to some silverchair and hours of enjoyment and pleasure will be created! Anyway, time to operate some heavy machinery, have a good day sucka fools.
My personal favorite disclaimer on a prescription drug is "gas with an oily discharge..." This is listed among a disgusting array of side effects caused by the new weight-loss drug, Ally for the seriously obese. If you ask me, I'd rather just be ridiculously fat than have to explain the permanent grease spot on my ass. Anything that causes that is neither friend nor ally...
i know this is late but i think your picture of the week is really appropiate for the talk of ed cause i think santa has a boner in that picture.
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