Friday, May 30, 2008

May 30, 2008 Grab Bag

Oh, hello, come right in! Today’s one of those Fridays when I feel like people are willing to do about as much work as a sloth. Everyone I’ve talked to has been saying the same thing: “Fred, how’d you get so ridiculously good looking?” Lies, they actually just say they have zero motivation. Maybe it was Memorial Day and the long weekend last weekend; with all the nice weather it gave people a taste of summer, and now we want it in full bloom. Or maybe it’s in part due to the fact that a lot of people are hungover, I on the other hand, was very responsible last night and did not go out . . . ok, another lie; I panicked and thought I was in someone else’s apartment when I woke up on my couch at 4am.

Also, I’ve discovered the best energy drink out there. Forget Red Bull and Rock Star with their ridiculous prices just for a stupid drink, they can take them and (choose your own ending). Arizona Rx Energy. Stuff works like a damn charm; it’s a huge 23 oz. can for $.99. Bargain, just had to share it.

I’ve really had a craving for Ovaltine lately. What the hell am I doing with my life?


Song of the Week: “Wine Headed Woman” by Sonny Terry and Brownie McGhee

Quote of the Week: “Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: There are only four words in the common English language that end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

Picture of the Week: I would shit my leotard if i saw that.

Until next week, bring me back something French!


Fred

Friday, May 23, 2008

May 23, 2008 Tips

Something I’ve noticed recently that put a small smirk on my face was the fact that Dunkin Donuts has signs taped to the registers of some stores that say, “Please, no tips.” Thank you! I’m sure these have been up for months now, which shows how rarely I actually go. Was I the only one that thought it was slightly unprofessional to have little tip cups in front of the registers? Dunkin Donuts is a legit business chain. I mean, I’d still just leave the change in there if it was less than $.25 (what, I need the quarters for laundry, don’t judge me.) I kind of felt obligated to tip. I didn’t want to find out the hard way how they get that extra zing in the cream filled donuts. But still, I don’t think moving two feet to the side and picking up a donut or a muffin really warrants a tip. Don’t be afraid to throw together a little chicken parm plate while you’re back there either, THEN you’ll see the tip come out.

If I get great service, sure, I’ll tip you. But when I tell you three different times that I want a breakfast sandwich with bacon, I’m not going to give you extra money, sorry. Maybe you should give me some money instead; I think that’s fair. Usually teachers get paid for giving lessons, and I’m sitting here giving you English lessons every time I order. I’ll just pass that off as some good Samaritan community service . . . or maybe I can write that off in my taxes somehow.

And what the hell’s the deal with Snuffleupagus?


Song of the Week: “Minerva” by Deftones

Quote of the Week: “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.” – Yogi Berra

Random Fact of the Week: Pluto receives as much solar energy in 25 years as the Earth does in 1 minute.

Picture of the Week: I think the caption says it all.

Until next week, can you scratch my nuts?


Fred

Friday, May 16, 2008

May 16, 2008 Random Things You Never Think About

Ever stop and think about some of the everyday things we use and take for granted, and then think about who designs them?

A friend asked me last night: “Who do you think designs the $20 bills?” Well my friend, good question, let’s ruminate together. Who really does design some of these things? I mean, I’m sure a small group of federal employees get together and talk about what to do for it. But how do they really decide? Is there one guy that vehemently insists on using Arial font rather than Times New Roman, or is there a unanimous consensus that it’s the way to go. What about the picture? You don’t want good ol’ AJ lookin a little bloated . . . you need something dignified.

Let’s relate this to something. You think that guy (or girl) uses that to start conversations at bars? “What do you do?” “Oh, I club baby seals for their fur.” “Oh, well that’s very UNlady-like.” “I know, what do you do?” “Well, you know the $20 bill? Yeah, I MADE that.” Why is it that I always revert to random dialogues between people. I think making up conversations could be considered somewhat unstable . . . but then again depending on who you ask it can be perceived as creative or imaginative. Regardless, I don’t think that would ever get old. Anytime you meet someone new, one of the first questions they’ll always ask, is: What’s your name, what do you do, do you have any illegitimate kids, and were you a fan of the Jefferson’s movin on up to the east side.

It’s food for thought, so grab a buffet plate. This shit’s so phat, you might gain weight.

That really just happened.


Song of the Week: “Acid Raindrops” by People Under The Stairs. This is some excellent chill hip hop. You can't tell me you're not feeling better after listening to this tune.

Quote of the Week: “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Picture of the Week: Ahh shit.

Until next week, I WANNA TALK TO SAMPSON!


Fred

Friday, May 9, 2008

May 9, 2008 Baby Hucking

Yet another installment of crazy videos. I’m sure some of you have seen this one before, but if you haven’t, then prepare to be amazed. It’s probably where Michael Jackson got his idea.

Whose bright idea was it to throw babies off a roof from 50 feet up? I have a hard time jumping into water from 50 feet up, but hucking a baby off a building onto a sheet . . . is probably the 2nd worst idea in the world. What’s #1?

There are so many questions to be answered. What if the cloth rips? What if the baby lands wrong and gets whiplash? Is there no such thing as shaken baby syndrome over there either? (Probably not, due to the lack of British Au Pairs). What if the Baby Hucker misses?! Do you think that guy gets ladies after the event is over? He’s basically like the baby hucking equivalent of a baseball pitcher, quarterback, emcee, or lead singer. I wonder if he goes on the road, or if he only hucks from that one roof. That’d be tough going to away games. The tower might be different, the pressure of opposing fans heckling you might get in his head. He might start over thinking each drop. I feel like there might be a couple miscues; I hope they have some baby cleanup crews handy.

And where do they take those babies? You see how fast they pick them up and just start passing them around person to person. It looks like a damn Baby Bazaar and any crazy person that wants a baby can just grab it and run. All I know is, I’m surprised there’s not more piss and crap all over the people below, because I sure as hell know I’d shit myself if some dude I didn’t know held me over the edge of a building and dropped me.


Song of the Week: “Dondante” by My Morning Jacket

Quote of the Week: “The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating." - Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course.

Random Fact of the Week: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Picture of the Week: I've been wanting to say that for years

Until next week, Schlitz and Hot Dog night, next Thursday, May 15th. Inquire within.


Fred

Friday, May 2, 2008

May 2, 2008 7 Year Old Drivers

In case none of you have seen this, it was actually requested by a few people for a topic. This 7 year old kid decided to steal his grandma’s car because he got mad at her. Just watch the video and listen to his responses. Foreshadowing perhaps? Should we just lock him up now, or do we want to give him a slap on the wrist and take away his video games for the weekend. If I were a betting man, I’d think that we’re going to see this kid again. I think the cops should turn a blind eye to grandma and let her “do her thang.”

I have to be honest though, it was hard taking this kid seriously after the first shot of him waddling in a jolly manner across the parking lot. There’s a slightly warped perception of reality by that kid though, and someone needs to beat it back into place. I nominate grandma . . . or Chuck Norris.

Actually, where the hell’s Scruff McGruff when you need him?


Song of the Week: “Stars” by Hum. Classic.

Quote of the Week: “When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." - Frederick Ryder

Random Fact of the Week: Thrity-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Picture of the Week: Smart Man, I like his style.

Until next week, this. is. JEOPARDY!


Fred