Friday, December 28, 2007

December 28, 2007 Bad Wedding Announcement Names

As I came into work this morning, I was still strapped for a topic to write about. And then this fell on my head while talking to a few co-workers. Apparently this is something that Jay Leno does on his show, but I have never watched his show, so I was completely unaware and entirely intrigued. I decided to go on a mission to find some of these; I thought it would be a fun way to enjoy a Friday without using our brains (this also being the last Friday of 2007) Enjoy, the wonderful world of wedding announcement names gone hysterically wrong.







Song of the Week: “Nan You’re a Window Shopper” by Lily Allen. The guiltiest of pleasures. There’s something about a Bri-ish girl with a dirty sailor accent singing reggae that gets me jazzed.

Quote of the Week: “ Hermits have no peer pressure.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: The U.S. ranks 29th in overall life expectancy, which is 78 years.

Picture of the Week: All of the above

Until next week, Yo Adrienne!


Fred

Friday, December 21, 2007

December 21, 2007 Infomercials

Recent conversations have made me feel obligated to write about this common marketing technique: Infomercials ALWAYS make everyday tasks seems so difficult. Even the simplest tasks all of a sudden become the most time-intensive and frustrating events. “Having trouble brushing those teeth?! Our Brushomatic 2000 can save you time and energy by helping you get all of those hard to reach teeth!” And I know you can picture it. Sonny Simpleton sitting in the bathroom trying to brush his teeth and just looking like an epileptic dancing at a rave party, knocking teeth out and tearing up his gums. I think if our ancestors survived without some of this crap, I think we should be fine. I really enjoy watching the people in these infomercials too; they get so frustrated so easily. After about one or two failed attempts to cut a carrot with a “regular old dull” knife, they get pissed and throw stuff down in a fit of frustration. I just laugh. It’s like going to a cheesy horror movie. “Nope, don’t do that, you don’t want to do that! Don’t cut right . . . ooohhh, damn, totally missed the tomato.” Yep, you got served . . . you got served REAL good.

And then after they make it sound so easy to use, they make it sound even EASIER to pay for it! AWESOME! They’re so considerate. “For just 4 easy payments of your first-born, you can have this in the luxury of your own home.” They always have to put the word “easy” in there. Without that word, it just wouldn’t be the same. As if ordering this product would be any different than buying an appliance at some store. And they always make sure to throw in more and more free crap. “For a limited time, when you buy one, we’ll throw in a second one for free! Not because we care about our customers and want you to enjoy this ground-breaking product, but because the lease on our warehouse is up and we can get rid of this shit fast enough!”

Song of the Week: “The First Baptist Church of Jacksonville” by Evergreen Terrace

Quote of the Week: “Experience is something you get after you need it.” - unknown

Random Fact of the Week: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Picture of the Week: Way to make an example of the guy (hint: look at what he’s wanted for).

Until next week, this is it . . . don’t get scared now.


Fred

Friday, December 14, 2007

December 14, 2007 Prescription Drugs

I’m sure a lot of you have seen some form of prescription drug advertisement within the past month. What I’m also guessing is that you’ve probably noticed how absurd they are. Most have side-effects far worse than the actual ailment. I can just imagine the conversation now:
“Hey doc, I’m having trouble sleeping because my leg keeps moving while I’m in bed.”
“Well, that sounds to me like you have RLS.”
“Oh shit, that sounds pretty bad, what is it?!”
“Restless Leg Syndrome. I have a new drug that can help that though.”
Ok, what are the side effects?”
“Well, common side effects include headaches, nausea . . . hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.”

Umm, let’s rewind that for a second. “Hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.” When the hell did prescription drugs start making people have crazy impulses to gamble? Does that sound crazy to anyone else aside from me? That’s not a prescription drug, that’s some sort of Las Vegas Tourism Board wonderdrug. They should start handing that stuff out like it’s Halloween candy. But that’s only the beginning, and those are only the FUNNY side effects. What about these other drugs that cure migraines and other REAL problems? Side effects including, again, nausea, fatigue, sometimes depression. But then it gets good. Uncontrollable bowel movements. OOOHHH, sign me up for that! Even though migraines affect my ability to function within society, nothing puts me back on track like wearing Depends to work every day! And they always feel the need to make these “problems” into acronyms just to make them sound scarier. “You have Erectile Dysfunction” doesn’t have the same effect as “You have ED.” Or Restless Leg Syndrome. I’d laugh at that. But if I heard I had RLS, I’d donate half of my paycheck to the first society/association I could find that does research to cure it.

I’m not even going to touch erectile dysfunction, it’s just too easy. “Call your physician if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” Sonofabitch! I wanted to be able to perform for 15 minutes, but now I’m stuck with the Washington Monument in my pants since 6pm yesterday . . . I don’t think the people at work would appreciate that very much. And god forbid any mall Santa ever take Viagra or Cialis. A lot of boys and girls would surely get a surprise that Christmas.


Song of the Week: “Given Flight by Demon’s Wings” by Shai Hulud

Quote of the Week: “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” - Dr. Leo Troy

Random Fact of the Week: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

Picture of the Week: Inappropriate

Until next week, Boom goes the dynamite.


Fred

Friday, December 7, 2007

December 7, 2007 Privacy

Let’s talk about privacy. Two questions: Is there such a thing anymore? And should anyone really care?

There has been a lot of talk about the whole Facebook Beacon program, which basically advertises, on Facebook, your purchases through affiliate sites. There has been a HUGE movement against this in the past month. The problem is, it wasn’t an “opt-in” program. You would automatically be signed up for it regardless of your knowledge of it happening. It got me thinking: In an age of the internet and all of this technology, is there really such thing as privacy anymore. I find it interesting that most people don’t realize what gets tracked in regards to your internet usage . . . which is basically everything. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh crap, I’ve been to quite a few questionable sites recently, some of which may or may not have involved midgets and squirt guns.” Every single search query you enter into Google, Yahoo, or any other search engine gets logged. Every single site you visit gets tracked. Even when companies say they don’t store your internet behavior, they lie. Technically they don’t “store” it, but they do gather it and sell it off to other companies so that these companies can deliver you more targeted and personalized ads. It gets tracked all the way down to your IP address. But don’t worry, this is the one time it’s nice to be viewed as a number, not a name.

Now I could go on about the internet all day. But what about phone calls and video cameras? To tell you the truth, it doesn’t bother me. You think the government really wants to monitor you talking about the new shoes you bought on clearance at Aldo’s? I’ll give you the answer, only to the old JELL-O jingle of our youth: “H-E-L-L-NO.” And what about video monitoring? I don’t really think the “monitoring police” would huddle around a video camera watching me deliver my exquisite rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in the shower. Do you really think they’d monitor every single house? Again, think JELL-O theme. Only people with suspicious behavior would be monitored. And plus, it would cost WAY too much money.

To break it down: Do I have a problem with a program using my internet behavior to advertise what I buy to others without my knowledge and/or consent. Yep; I’ll advertise what I want, thankyouverymuch. Do I have a problem with my internet behavior being tracked in general. Or even conversations being taped? Nope. I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide, and frankly, I think the “monitoring police” have much better things to do than to watch me scratch my ass on the couch. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.


Song of the Week: “Summer Song” by Eyes Like Knives

Quote of the Week: “One day as I came home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ - Rodney Dangerfield.

Random Fact of the Week: Flea's can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6ft. person jumping 780 ft. into the air

Picture of the Week: There must be a perfectly good explanation for this.

Until next week, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.


Fred