June 30, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 2

Included is a list of the top 25 Search Engine Keywords of the Week. Take a quick poke through:

1 myspace
2 google
3 games play
4 yahoo
5 ebay
6 myspace.com
7 game cheats for ps2
8 mapquest
9 ps 2 game cheats
10 paris hilton
11 yahoo.com
12 youtube
13 girls
14 pc game cheats
15 play game
16 obituaries
17 play games
18 linkin park
19 rihanna
20 pictures of cats
21 jessica alba
22 sperm shack movies
23 claudia cohen
24 lyrics music
25 craigslist

I didn’t find a single keyword relating to anything I would deem important. There was nothing indicating searches for “foreign news,” “American/US News” “healthcare,” or even “presidential information/policy/platform.” (Yes, I understand that gives the American public WAY more credit than due). A keyword that MIGHT be considered remotely important was “wedding vows” which came in at #190, though I was shocked not to find “divorce information,” or “take him for all he’s worth” coming in shortly thereafter. I also find it interesting that people (probably mostly men) are going to the internet to find wedding vows or ideas. Aren’t they supposed to “come from the heart?”

The first thing to pop up under a non “consumer interest” category was the generic term “News” at #238. This was sandwiched between “Kiss” and “Elvis.” Last I checked, Elvis has been dead for 30 years (sad thing is, I had to perform a Google search to find that information, thus, boosting the ratings of that keyword closer to “News”). So people would almost rather find out information about a dead pop singer than relevant information about what’s happening in the world . . . disappointing. So next time you go to search for something on Google or Yahoo! (which interestingly enough hold a combined 89% of the search engine market share) think twice, because people are always tracking what you’re searching for and sending.

Song of the Week: “Boomerang” by Black Lips. Garage Punk fused with late ‘60’s rock.

Quote of the Week: “I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
- Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

Random Fact of the Week: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down, hence the expression “to get fired.”

Picture of the Week: I found him! I know where he is!

Until next week, domo arigato Mr. Roboto.


Fred

June 22, 2007 Thank You For Your Interest

During my tenure as an unemployed American, I spent most of my time applying to jobs and figuring out better ways to annoy people. On one fateful day, March 27, 2007, I found a job posting that seemed extremely interesting to me. It was a Research Associate role within the Harvard Business School. However, to my dismay, this seeming match made in heaven was never to be. They notified me on June 15, 2007 that they had reviewed my resume and that I was not a good fit. What upset me was not that I had been turned away, it was that they took almost 3 months to get back to me. After polishing off a carton of Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching Days of Our Lives reruns, I sent the following letter to Harvard (names and addresses changed to protect identity):

June 20, 2007

Jane Doe
Director of Human Resources

Harvard Business School

Soldiers Field

Boston, MA 02163

Dear Ms. Doe:

Thank you for your recent posting informing me of a position you thought might be of interest to me within your organization. I certainly appreciate your interest in my skills.

After reviewing your credentials, I have determined that your opportunity does not suit my needs at this time. After interviewing many potential employers in my search process, I have accepted another opportunity whose reputation, credentials, and opportunity were better suited for my needs.

My initial impression of Harvard was that it stood for initiative, diligence, and character. However, over the past few months, I have seen that this is not the case. My impression of Harvard now is of laziness and an overall lack of character. That is not the type of organization with which I would like to associate myself or my career.

If a need arises for me to contact you in the future, I will retain your information on file for one year. Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Fred Caloggero


Song of the Week: “Milestones” by Miles Davis.

Quote of the Week: “I often want to drown my sorrows, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” Jimmy Carter

Random Fact of the Week: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

Picture of the Week: Shitty Kitty

Until next week, if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.


Fred

June 15, 2007 Hybrid Words

There comes a time in every (wo)man’s life when words need to be abbreviated or fused to describe something. I’m not talking about “obvi” or “fab,” nor fantabulous, I’m talking about the real deal here people, two completely disconnected words coming together in intercourse to manifest an offspring word that will completely transform your vocabulary and also significantly decrease the number of people that talk to you. Here are some of the words that need to be incorporated into the English language:

Voluntyranny©† (volunteer + tyranny): The act of forcing people to volunteer against their own will. Ex: In high school, the coaches would make the football team volunteer to do community service to make ourselves look good to the community. We didn’t want to, but we were forced to through voluntyranny.

Maniactivity©† (maniac + activity): The activity or actions of maniacs. Ex: “Check out that maniactivity; motherfucker be riding a bicycle down Newbury St. yelping at people.”

Populution©‡ (population + pollution): When certain races or less than ideal demographics “pollute” areas/events and ruin its appeal. Ex: The populution is so bad in this place, they should all be shipped back to (insert country/Iranian nuclear testing ground here).

Feel free to create new ones and corrupt your friends as well.

©† 2004 Ben McDearmon and Nils McBride
©‡ 2005 Fred Caloggero

Song of the Week: “Sweets” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Quote of the Week: “How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.” – Anonymous manufacturer.

Random Fact of the Week: The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees.

Picture of the Week: cmon . . . COME ON. Please don’t breed.



Until next week, let’s go to Moe for the official results.


Fred

June 8, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 1

I think I could go on for hours about this topic, however I’ll keep it to a minimum due to the fact most cube-dwellers out there actually need to work. So one thing I’ve always had a problem with is the media and what they spoon feed the public as important. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve got instant breaking news on Paris Hilton’s prison debacle programmed to be text messaged to me every 30 minutes. “OMG!” Thank god for the media and their coverage of it, otherwise I’d be reading stories about boring relevant things, like the G8 summit or diplomatic talks with Iran. LOL, OMG, I’d be all like, no way am I like reading that stuff, it’s like, WICKED boring. SMMFD!

So as I read through the news on CNN.com, this was the big headline: “Bono Takes Off His Glasses.” There is zero exaggeration in that line; that is word for word what appeared on their website. Well chalk that one up in the category of things I don’t give a shit about. He became so worked up during an interview about the G8 summit that he took his glasses off in exasperation. Well you know what media? I got so upset WATCHING it that I took off MY glasses, and since it’s Friday and I’m feeling scrappy, I’m going to raise Bono a shoe. Now the glasses AND the shoe are off, that’s how upset I am of your choice to cover that piece of “news” and not about something else, like Russian President Putin and his increasingly erratic statements threatening European cities. If you read foreign newspapers, you’d notice that they include much coverage of foreign affairs and world news. In America? That space is taken up by Paris Hilton updates and the newest mouthing-offs of Rosie O’Donnell. Though you can’t blame the media 100% in their escapades to increasingly dumb down America, they tailor to their audience. What does that mean? People actually read that shit. What I say? BAD America, BAD! You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done while the rest of the world gets to go play.

On a somewhat serious note, if you want to view real news coverage check out http://www.mondotimes.com/ and click “Local Media” to view headlines from every country in the world or http://www.wn.com/ for a condensed overview. Both have great listings, and if you’re really ambitious, compare headlines from Iranian news agencies covering the US to what we say about them. Or look at the newspaper from Israel and compare it to that of any Lebanese or Palestinian agency. You’ll quickly see that not only do people hate us because of our own self-involved media coverage, but also because of their own.


Song of the Week: “Don’t Cry Out” by Shiny Toy Guns.

Quote of the Week: “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Random Fact of the Week: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Picture of the Week: Incidentally, the crime rate in this town is among the lowest in the country.

Until next week, Yahtzee!


Fred

June 1, 2007 Money Saving Advice

You know what really grinds my gears: Money-saving advice/tips. It seems like everyone out there has something to share about how to save some money. I’ll tell you how to save money: don’t spend it. It’s that easy. After conversing with Rich, he brought to my attention an excellent article to demonstrate this point: http://frugalliving.about.com/od/householdsavings/tp/Household_Save.htm. Please click, it’s work appropriate (not to mention you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about for the rest of the article).

A great example of this common-sense blabber is #2: “Cut Back On Extras.” “Do you really need . . . the premium cable or satellite package that you subscribe to?” Well, I guess not, come to think of it, I don’t even really need a TV at all. My grandparents never had one, and they turned out just fine. I have an even better idea, just walk down to the neighborhood restaurant or pizza shop, and enjoy a nice twosie! That’s right, save on water and plumbing costs by enjoying your gastrointestinal housecleaning in a public restroom!

And another one, #6: “Seek Cheap Thrills.” Now, I’m all for saving money, but let’s be realistic. No guy in his right mind would want to take a girl out on a first or second date to a free concert and a picnic. We’ve already established that girls are black belts in the art of manipulation, but did I mention they’re also cross-trained in sniffing out cheap men? I can tell you where you’ll end up buddy . . . single and lonely watching re-runs of Growing Pains.

However, my favorite from this site is #7: “Pay Your Bills On Time.” Wow . . . WOW. Four years of college and $160,000 later I’ve realized there are some things they never teach you in academia. Come on people, I can’t believe people actually need advice like that. And to think for some out there a little light bulb goes off and they think it’s the best advice they’ve been given since mom and pops told them to wipe their ass. Speaking of light bulbs, you can do us all a favor buster, go unscrew the one in your bathroom, chew on it a little, and stick your finger into the socket. I don’t want your kids dumbing down my kids in school. In the words of Smokey the Bear, “You too can help cleanse the gene pool.”



Song of the Week: “I’m Not Ready” by Modern Life Is War.

Quote of the Week: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.” – George H. W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: Karaoke means “empty orchestra” in Japanese.

Picture of the Week: And they’ll give you a SPECIAL deal if you’re Islamic

Until next week, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean people want to hear it,


Fred