March 28, 2008 Gas Prices

Uh oh . . . uh oh. I smell a rant coming on. Bring in the Febreeze.

I’m sure most of us are feeling the pinch of the ridiculous gas prices. I feel old when I say, “When I got my license, gas prices were under a dollar.” That was about eight years ago. In eight years it’s gone from about $.95/gallon to $3.20/gallon. This means in eight years, prices have risen roughly 337%. You know, in an era where consumers really do control the marketplace and have the power to dictate the way corporations can act, I’m surprised things have gone this far.

And what about these corporations, cough ExxonMobil cough. Usually these companies give some sort of incentive to customers to keep coming back, or even offer loyal customer appreciation gifts. I mean, they should at LEAST offer some Advil and Vaseline for every 10 gallons you spend with them, seeing how when you leave the gas pump it feels like you got tagged upside the head with a Louisville Slugger and got your backside violated. Bastards. Yearly sales for 2007 were over $400 billion, resulting in a $40 billion profit. Something doesn’t seem right. Sure, it’s basic economics, supply and demand. But I think we all have to face the fact that gas prices will continue to rise, and whether we like it or not, there will be a breaking point where prices become too expensive and we’ll either seek alternative methods of transportation, or we’ll just all Mad Max our way to gasoline and oil access. They’re predicting gas prices will reach $4/gallon this summer. Looks like I’ll be riding my bike to work.

Starting this weekend I’m beginning my own personal boycott of ExxonMobil. Do I think this will do anything to get them to drop prices? Hell no, I’m not stupid. But I’ll at least be saving money on all of the Advil and Vaseline I won’t have to buy, not to mention preserving the dignity of my ass.


Song of the Week: “Where I’m From” by Digable Planets

Quote of the Week: “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” – Samuel Goldwyn

Random Fact of the Week: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Picture of the Week: Sometimes you just have to face your fears

Until next week, shenanigans!


Fred

March 21, 2008 Inappropriate Fridays

You’ve heard of Christmas, you’ve heard of Easter, and you’ve heard of Thanksgiving. All very important days. But let me crack an egg of knowledge on you; there’s a new sheriff in town, and its name is “Inappropriate Fridays.”

It all started back in the day when a young professional received a Hallmark e-card from one of his roommates. He then forwarded that card to some co-workers, finding out that the card is part of a series giving each day a theme. The original theme for Friday was found to be “I don’t care Fridays.” That quickly developed into “I don’t give a f*** Fridays.” But that wasn’t enough. There was an inherent need to expand and develop (Manifest Destiny), and immediately after a “your mom” joke was made, Inappropriate Fridays was born into lore.

Unlike Hanukkah, this is a non-denominational day for all to enjoy; the only requirement is that you give 110% every Friday. When you hear someone mention something that can be flipped, it’s your moral obligation to jump in with an inappropriate comment. When you walk out of the office today, ask yourself, “Did I give everything I had? Did I take advantage of every opportunity that was presented? Did I leave it all out on the field?” If the answer is No, just carry that burden for the weekend knowing, you’ve not only let me down, but you let your parents, your country, and Webster down. Like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.

Spread that shit, spread it like butter.


Song of the Week: “Act IV: You Don't Need A Witness” by The Sound of Animals Fighting

Quote of the Week: “Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you . . . very homosexually.” – Peter Griffin

Random Fact of the Week: In your lifetime, you'll shed over 40 pounds of skin.

Picture of the Week: I can only imagine that conversation. “So, uh, getting any bites today there champ?”
“Ehh, few nibbles here and there; though I can never fit them through the grate.”
“Bummer.”
“Yeah, bummer . . . I’m hungry.”

Until next week, if looks could kill you would be an Uzi,


Fred

March 14, 2008 Ridiculous News Stories

I originally had another topic planned and ready to go for today, but the stars aligned this week and God/Allah/Buddha/whatever PC stuff you can get away with calling a religious deity slapped this one on me: “Woman sits on boyfriend’s toilet for two years.”

Two years?! Something like that just boggles my mind. I’ve had a better time understanding the intricacies of nuclear fission than I’ve had trying to comprehend how someone could sit on a toilet for two years. I mean, if I’m on it for more than 10 minutes my legs start to tingle.

Something else to consider: This couple had been dating for 16 years, two of those were spent with her on the toilet. Wouldn’t he want to jump in earlier noticing the lack of quality time spent together? What do they do for anniversaries? No more dinner and movie dates? Things to ponder. Oh, and on a small unimportant side note . . . there’s no more sex life! Two years of that? Does that not strike you as weird? Maybe a red flag pops up here and there? Nah dude, that’s normal. Seeing that they live in Kansas, I’m sure he found some alternatives. I heard his sister lived down the street. Maybe there was a farm nearby with some farm animals too. Maybe I’m just really optimistic for the guy.

There are just so many things with that story that could be commented on. What the hell do you do in a bathroom for two years? (Aside from the obvious). How do you bathe? (Yes she’s in a bathroom, but she can’t use the shower because she was actually STUCK to the toilet; her skin legitimately grew around the toilet seat). I apologize if your breakfast is now on your keyboard after that one.

This just goes to show that women really do spend more time in the bathroom than men.


Song of the Week: “Zeppelin” by The Jonbenet

Quote of the Week: “Not working is so much better than working.” – Brian. In the words of a friend, “Simple, yet profound.”

Random Fact of the Week: Sitting on a toilet for two years is not a good idea. Your legs will become atrophied and your skin will grow around the seat.

Picture of the Week: guys, take note

Until next week, CANNONBALL!


Fred

March 7, 2008 Hangovers

We’ve all been there. Most of the time they’re awful, some of the time they’re actually pretty interesting. There are all sorts of hangovers. There’s the vegetable hangover, when you’re basically useless to the world and can only sit in one spot and recover. There’s the basic headache hangover, and there’s the “I feel like I’m on illegal drugs, but I’m not and it’s only alcohol so I don’t have a guilty conscience” hangover. This is the one I most commonly get. I might have to consider myself fortunate. I almost never get headaches; I just get some serious low blood pressure, so I feel like I’m kind of spacey and floating around all day. I don’t know if any of you have ever taken Percocet for anything, but it’s basically like that. Be jealous, it’s ok.

What interests me most about hangovers is our ability to quickly forget what they feel like. As a little kid, when you touch the hot stove, the next time you’re near it, you remember, “Oh hey, that hurt like a sonofabitch, I’m not going to touch that again.” But as adults, when we get hangovers, we always go back to them. It’s as if we are children again but with the memory of a goldfish. “Ow, damn that’s hot . . . let’s try again, shit! That was REALLY hot . . . but maybe . . . jesus, that’s hot. One more try . . . Damn! That stove is really hot! Nobody touch the stove, it’s really hot! But maybe if I try one more time . . .” Nope, we never learn. You think we’d catch on quicker or something.

The absolute best part is when we sit there and think/say, “I’m never drinking again.” We’ve all said it. We’ve all been there before. And did you drink again? Yes you did, and it was usually just a few days later. Then it happens again, and you swear someone broke into your room and went DeNiro all over your ass with a Louisville Slugger.

Though, if you play your cards right, hangovers can be the best thing in the world. Wake up, feeling hungover? Grab another beer. Pop a little whiskey in that coffee. Not only will you lose the hangover, you’ll catch yourself a hefty little buzz pretty quick. Cheap, easy, boom goes the dynamite. Call me on Sunday, I’ll let you know what stage I’m at.

Song of the Week: “False Idols Fall” by Comeback Kid.

Quote of the Week: Please refer to the picture.

Random Fact of the Week: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Picture of the Week: Are you kidding me? THAT was what tipped you off?!

Until next week, what’s the worst that could happen,


Fred