January 25, 2008 Male Rituals

This is influenced by an article that was forwarded on to me by a West Coast friend. Much has been debated about the enigma that is the male interaction. Some call it bromance; others call it gay. Over the past five months, and during college, I have lived in close contact with members of the male species, observing their actions, mating calls, feeding habits. One very interesting topic that this article has pointed out is the male greeting habits.

After many years as a scientist studying out in the field, I have observed certain trends and patterns to their behavior. We will start with the initial “morning” greetings. It is commonplace for the males to simply grunt to each other while walking past each other, usually during their daily trips to their preferred bathing holes. Somewhat slow moving, even lethargic, are these males. Outsiders witnessing these interactions for the first time might even believe these males, all members of the same herd, were complete strangers. It is not usually until later in the morning after they feed and consume a liquid stimulant found in local beans that they seem to be responsive to each other. Occasionally groups will sit, transfixed on viewing the entertainment of other males like themselves compete against each other for the ultimate prize: pride. After this, the males usually go off on their own within a reasonable distance of their dwelling to perform tasks in order to be able to eat at night, and the next morning.

After long days of performing in order to gain nourishment, these males reconvene to describe their experiences out in the wild. Some days are better than others, and some days require the consumption of more liquid substances, these ones sometimes bringing out different moods and personalities of these males, but most commonly just making them docile and complacent. However, aside from their morning greeting rituals, their pre-hibernation commencements are equally as interesting. Sometimes they will wander off without acknowledging others, other times, long elaborate rites are performed.

I’ve decided to apply these practices in my own life, living amongst other males, such as myself. Sometimes a simple, “mornin’” or “what’s up” will do the trick. Maybe I like to mix it up with a “g’mornin’ sunshine.” It sets a nice tone for the day. At night, we’ve been experimenting with some new procedures. “Goodnight fuckface” has been used, however didn’t quite seem to catch. Last night, hugs and “I love you’s” were tossed around. Maybe we’ll move onto ass-slaps and a “Goodnight Champ!” next. Maybe.

Song of the Week: “Spottiottiedopaliscious” by Outkast. Smoothest trumpet sample ever.

Quote of the Week: “Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: Abraham Lincoln faces to the right on a penny while all the other presidents face to the left on US coins.

Picture of the Week: Screw Mr. Potatohead, I want a Mr. Giggles!

Until next week, knowing’s half the battle,


Fred