August 31, 2007 Pollution

Pollution is an unwelcome concentration of substances that are beyond the environment’s capacity to handle. These substances are detrimental to people and other living things. North Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.

Ok, so I’m not going to talk about pollution because I don’t want to make you fall asleep on a Friday. However, every thousand years or so a divine being, whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, or The Fonz, delivers something so incredible that you just have to stop and appreciate it. Today I would like to discuss Miss Teen USA.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

What.
The.
Fuck.

Seriously . . .

I’m just leaving it at that. What I enjoyed even more was the fact that she re-answered the question later on the Today Show, as if it would cover-up what she said. And even with a few days to think about it, this is what she came up with:

“Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”

But what about “the Iraq?!” I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you don’t get a second chance, just ask OJ (oh wait, he got off). First off, she’s bragging about knowing where the US is on the map. It’s times like these that I wish I worked at that sticker factory I mentioned earlier so I could give her a gold star. Hooray for you! And to think her high school actually let her graduate. Secondly, I think it’s a little pompous that she’s not only bragging that she knows where it is, but also that she’s putting kids down that don’t, making them feel like outsiders or outcasts. Poor little Pablo may not have enough money to afford a map or a proper education, but he has such a big heart and the desire to learn; it’s not his fault poor socioeconomic conditions limit his capabilities. I’m Sally Struthers, and for just $1 a month you can help Pablo get that map he’s always wanted. Nice example you’re setting Miss Teen USA third runner-up. Not only are you dumb, but you’re an elitist as well. I’m so disappointed in you . . .


Song of the Week: “Trouble’s Gonna Stay Awhile” by The Deadly Snakes. Not many bands can rock a piano.

Quote of the Week: “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.” - Sen. Mary Anne Tebedo

Random Fact of the Week: No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. (I wish I had a statistic for the percent of you that will try it. Tally 1 for me)

Picture of the Week: Smartass

Until next week, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.


Fred

August 24, 2007 Convenience Charges

Let’s talk about these so-called “Convenience Fees” that Ticketmaster and other ticket organizations like to throw onto the end of your purchase.

I’ve recently bought tickets to a few different shows around the area. I’ll provide a screenshot of my latest purchase just to give you a better sense.

$10 tickets, awesome, that’s something to get excited about. You can’t even find that price at old washed-up band concerts like Everclear or Rip Van Winkle. But wait, what’s this? I’m paying for a building facility charge? What does that even mean? I’d rather you just tack that onto the total cost so I can’t see how you’re ripping me off. And from what I understand, this price changes (at the same venue nonetheless) depending on the face-value of tickets. And a Convenience Charge? What’s the convenience? I get to drive an hour to the show, deal with the traffic and parking, wash the puke off my car from a 17 year old girl that’s drinking for the first time, pick up my tickets, and THEN sardine my way in through the doors to see the bands. Sounds pretty convenient to me Mr. Corporate Exec. That’s not convenience. Sending two blonde models to my door delivering me my tickets on a silver platter is convenient; emailing me my tickets to I can print them out using my own ink and own paper is not convenient, so don’t take my money for work I’m doing. And then you charge me for processing my ticket. So basically what you’re telling me is that my ticket cost me $10, and the charges you incurred were $15.70 . . . maybe I’m a little stingy, but what? Last I heard, Massachusetts sales tax was 5%, not 157%! Luckily I enjoyed the show and my $8 cans of beer (I won’t even get started).

And another show I ordered tickets for only charged me $4 as a service charge. I was pretty excited about that . . . until I realized they charged me $2.50 as a “Shipping Charge.” Side story: they EMAILED me my tickets. I’m not a tech wiz, but last I checked you just click the button that says “send,” and that’s even if it’s not a fully automated process. Not to whine, but I’m tired of getting nickel and dimed for these B-S so-called “convenience charges” by these conglomerates.

I pledge never to give Ticketmaster another dime of my hard earned money.


Song of the Week: “Spilled Milk Factory” by Ugly Casanova.

Quote of the Week: “Have a nice day. That’s the trouble with ‘Have a nice day.’ It puts all the pressure on you. Now you have to go out and somehow arrange to have a positive experience.” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: 7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood.

Picture of the Week: I’m confused . . . why’s he holding a sewing machine?

Until next week, London calling to the faraway towns.


Fred

August 17, 2007 PMS: Pissed Male Syndrome

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Women have PMS, men have . . . what DO men have?

It seems as though one common disclaimer pokes its ugly little head every time a girl acts unpleasant: “I’m on my period.” Yes, I used the “P” word every guy hates to hear, whether it’s because that girl is now sexually off limits or if it’s because you’re within her 5 mile bitch-radius. There’s no way to stop it; it’s like a nuclear bomb, there’s nothing that can shelter you from it, if you’re exposed to the bitch-radiation you’re pretty much a goner. In the event of an incident, find the nearest desk and get under it. All you can do is pray you’re far enough away to be safe. This has almost become an immediate assumption for most though; when a girl acts bitchy, most people automatically assume that it’s because she’s on her period.

However, what do men have? Sure we have the occasional “I broke up with my girlfriend,” “My boss is a huge dick,” or “someone stole my Cabbage Patch Kid” excuse for being a jerk, but in all seriousness, it seems the only time a guy is “allowed” to act like a dick is when he’s drunk. No wonder there are so many alcoholics. I think women need to start handing out free coupons; anytime she uses the “P” excuse for being unpleasant or being whiny and emotional around men, they should get a free vent session. “The bearer of this coupon is entitled to a complementary 5 minute ‘being a dick’ session. Offer valid through next cycle.” Either that or just buy the guy a handle of Jack Daniels, that’ll make things interesting.


Song of the Week: “The First Song” by Band of Horses.

Quote of the Week: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” – Wayne Gretzky

Random Fact of the Week: There is a city called Rome in every continent

Picture of the Week: Wait, so is this irony, or just a REALLY bad coincidence?

Until next week, Make sure your seatback is in its full upright position.


Fred

August 10, 2007 Stickers!

It’s amazing how much a simple colorful adhesive applied with precision to a piece of schoolwork can dramatically alter the impact or message. I was recently having a conversation with a co-worker while on a boat cruise (degree of sobriety still questionable) and we managed to stumble upon the topic of how we enjoyed getting stickers on school papers way back when we were young chaps. A very appropriate side story is that he actually worked on an assembly line that produced stickers, most of which were for school grading. Probably one of the most random things ever . . . but back to stickers.

Just think back on the good ol’ days when you would get an assignment or test back and it would have a smiley face or some crazy sun giving you two thumbs up (since when does the sun have appendages, and why would you ever want it to be 10 inches from your face). Even if you managed to perform poorly on a test or art project, a sticker would make it all better. I can definitely say there’s a huge difference between a teacher writing a message and a teacher slapping on a little stickery goodness to my paper. I know if a teacher wrote “see me after class,” I’d fake the flu and go hide in an orphanage. However, if she popped on a little “see me after class” sticker with a frowny elephant, you can bet I’d be the first one at her desk once class was over. “Hey mom, you need to sign this paper because I got a 55% on it, but it’s ok because the teacher gave me a sticker!”

I think the next big thing will be stickers in the workspace; it would definitely work to promote office efficiency and enthusiasm. I’m definitely going to work harder than Beaver Cleaver in order to get that sticker from upper management on my report. And I think I’d feel a little less postal if instead of getting a boring pink slip I got an awesome sticker on my keyboard of a penguin giving me two thumbs up saying “You’re Fired.” At least I’d have a cool sticker to give my kid before I gave him up for adoption and move to Copley Square to sleep on vent grates.

Song of the Week: “The Rescue Blues” by Ryan Adams.

Quote of the Week: “Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: A typist’s fingers travel over 12 and a half miles in an average day.

Picture of the Week: I am so confused . . .



Until next week, the tribe has spoken.


Fred

August 3, 2007 The Natural Reaction Confirmation Question

It’s either dumb human instinct or a lack of trust that leads us to ask the annoying “natural reaction confirmation question.” This usually comes in the form of hearing some big news or giving approval/disapproval of something. I bet you all can think of one instance. Let’s have an example.

So Peggy Sue and Shantel are talking over a nice lunch. Peggy Sue has big news for Shantel. “So . . . I’m pregnant!” And of course, the first natural reaction of Shantel is to say: “Oh my god! You’re pregnant?!” It is at this point in which Peggy Sue can declare April Fool’s, which there’s only a .27% chance it really is April Fool’s, or she’ll just re-affirm her previous statement. After a minute or two of high pitched squealing that only dogs and bats would be able to understand, the two overly stereotypically named and profiled women proceed to deeper conversation (deeper meaning further along, not actual deep or meaningful conversation). An example on the bad side would be Billy Bob and Tyrone talking over a few malt liquor refreshments, when Tyrone says, “Dude, Shantel’s pregnant.” Instant reaction: “She’s pregnant?! What the hell’d you do that for?!”

Another prime example of this is the marriage declaration. However, this is not to be confused with the Declaration of Independence (also, refer to divorce on page 312). Going off on a tangent, (a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2], I find it funny how the reactions to that news significantly differs between guys and girls. Girls scream and jump and talk about dresses and how the guy’s a cheap bastard for not getting the 2 carat princess cut diamond in white gold, while guys act as if they’ve lost a brother: “Oh man, I’m really sorry to hear that, that sucks.”

But, people generally tend to repeat the statement when in some sort of disbelief, whether it be good or bad. What is it that makes humans do this? Is it lack of trust? Or is it just plain stupidity. Keep your eye out for this as you will start to notice it in social settings, either by you or an acquaintance. As the famous saying goes: Stupid is as stupid does. But if stupid does, this means you have a chance stonewall the stupid and make things right again.

Song of the Week: “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Yes, inspired by Shawn.

Quote of the Week: “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades . . . or a game of fake heart attack.” - Demetri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Picture of the Week: You better recognize!

Until next week, apply ointment liberally to the affected area.


Fred