May 25, 2007 The Relativity Scale

Weekend events preclude this segment in a long series touching upon dating and the wonderful world of social interaction/awkwardness. After conversing with a few people, I felt it appropriate to tackle the theory of “The Relativity Scale.”

Now, on a 1-10 scale of first impression physical attractiveness, for example, I might give myself a 7, usually on a good day. Considering this baseline of comparison, let us close our eyes (while still reading) and imagine me in a room of 8’s 9’s and 10’s. Considering the environment, I probably wouldn’t really even get a glance over in my direction. However, put me in a room with 4’s and 5’s . . . jackpot. I’d venture to guess that a few drunk girls might actually walk over and talk to me, only to realize minutes later the awkwardness emanating from my corner of the bar.

Now, this brings up another phenomenon, and an observation made by many a person. “Girls always manage to keep around a ‘sub-5’ to make themselves look better in comparison.” Now, I know we (men and women) like to give the opposite sex a hard time about not being as intelligent as the other, but come on guys, let’s give the girls a round of applause for this one. Hats off to the ladies for not only recognizing the Relativity Scale, but also for their ability to capitalize on their superior manipulation skills and turn it to serve their own best interests. I guess we could learn something from the ladies after all . . .

Song of the Week: “Straws Pulled at Random” by Meshuggah.

Quote of the Week: “The Internet is a great way to get on the net.” – Bob Dole

Random Fact of the Week: When the airbag in your car goes off, it expands at a rate of 150mph.

Picture of the Week: ladies take note

Until next week, Jesus doesn’t love you, but he thinks you have a great personality,

Fred

May 18, 2007 Friend of Friends

I don't know about most of you, but I know one thing I definitely CANNOT do is talk to people I don't know at a bar. Every introduction and first impression has the possibility of turning out awkward, and when you yourself are already awkward . . . well that's a recipe for a quick one minute conversation ending with an painful "nice meeting you," (some variations may occur). Either way, one great way to save face in these situations is: The friend of a friend!

Whether at a house party or even meeting at a bar, meeting friends of friends is basically taking the bunny slope at any mountain in order to get warmed up/take the easy way out. From the beginning you have some sort of base of legitimacy (assuming your friend actually said nice things about you before hand, otherwise, it might be time for a friend audit) and there is an immediate conversation starter: "So how long have you known Lateesha?" "How do you know Jamal?" or "Have you seen the mole on Fred's ass?" BOOM, instant ice breaker. Granted some ice breakers work better, like asking which Pokémon® character is her favorite, but for those of us with the nervous sweats or minimal wit, sticking to the basics goes a long way. This way you don't seem like every other choad at a bar trying to pick up anything with a vagina. Also, even if you do screw up, you can always have your friend drop a little comment the next day like, "Oh, he wasn't himself last night," or "He was on his period" (hey, if girls can use that excuse, why can't we?).

Moral of the story: Friends of friends = better chance = less strikeouts = less K's = bringing down the Ku Klux Klan = Forrest Gump was an AWESOME movie.

Song of the Week: "Cataract" by Sparta.

Quote of the Week: " Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: There are more creatures in your mouth than there are humans on earth . . . think about that one the next time you decide to make out with a stranger.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, keep on rockin in the free world,

Fred

May 11, 2007 The Friend Zone

Please insert Twighlight Zone-esque music. As it seems, this phenomena, mostly affecting men, is a very common occurrence among men and women alike. The dreaded Friend Zone.

Common side effects include: shattered hopes, broken egos, blue balls, general embarrassment, and excessive spending at bars on the opposite sex.

In my studies, this seems to most commonly affect people of the male persuasion. Guys must walk a fine line in the initial dates, that line being between friendship and doing the no pants dance. You don't want to come across too nice and "great" as women tend not to want to date a really nice guy (that's saved for marriage). They want an asshole that will treat them like crap initially, but one they can work on (a project if you will) and someone that they can change . . . silly girls. But also, in most instances you can't be too forward and admit that the primary reason you're actually taking time out for the night with your friends is that this girl/guy has either a smoking body or great looks that you would like to ravage in a drunken stupor. In any case, it seems as though you have a 2-3 hangout limit before you break that dreaded threshold. If ass is not received or given within that timeframe, at least one party loses interest (usually the female) and from then on out, the only conversations you'll be having with her will be about how her friends are annoying and shit about her ex. It's all over buddy; time to move on.

Guys, it's hard to accept it, but you know there are women out there that you are friends with that you still manage to keep that glimmer of hope that one day she will either: a) get so horny/desperate that she'll decide to hook up with you, or b) get drunk and realize you're "such a great friend" and give you a small token of her appreciation. That's not going to happen, so take that thought out of your head. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be so you can take your efforts elsewhere.

Girls, basically any crazy thought you may develop while drunk or desperate (because let's face it, no woman in her right mind would do anything otherwise) about hooking up with a friend, would most likely become a reality if willed. I know it's hard to swallow, but most guys would jeopardize a good friendship just to have that one nighter.

However, there is something positive that can come from the "Friend Zone." This would be the person's other friends. Now that you've established that base of legitimacy and decency, what better way to find/meet other people than through your friends? To be continued . . .

Song of the Week: "Garden of Light" by Isis.

Quote of the Week: "We all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus." – Peter Griffin (yes, from Family Guy)

Random Fact of the Week: Los Angeles has more lawyers than France

Picture of the Week: If you have friends that stand outside the Friend Zone, why not start the weekend right and let them know.

Until next week, it's not nice to stare,

Fred

May 4, 2007 What are these Objects?

Try to figure out the objects/professions using the three clues I give:

1. I'm about six inches long.
When you use me, my hairy end gets white and creamy.
You stick me in between your lips.

2. If I blow you hard enough, you will call me a name.
If I blow you in the winter, I will make you stiff quicker.
If you're a sailor, I will give you a ride.

3. I come in my robe.
I can give you a stiff one.
When I start banging, you have to be quiet.

4. I only get laid once.
I let you lay me and all you do is walk all over me.
I can be slippery and wet.

5: If I'm good, I can get you off.
When I come before you, you judge me.
I can drill a woman in the box.

Answers below.

Song of the Week: "In Fear and Faith" by Circa Survive.

Quote of the Week: "If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." -Johnny Carson

Random Fact of the Week: Bamboo can grow up to 35 inches in one day.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, don't forget to wear your helmet,

Fred

1. toothbrush, 2. wind, 3. judge, 4. floor, 5. attorney