May 9, 2008 Baby Hucking

Yet another installment of crazy videos. I’m sure some of you have seen this one before, but if you haven’t, then prepare to be amazed. It’s probably where Michael Jackson got his idea.

Whose bright idea was it to throw babies off a roof from 50 feet up? I have a hard time jumping into water from 50 feet up, but hucking a baby off a building onto a sheet . . . is probably the 2nd worst idea in the world. What’s #1?

There are so many questions to be answered. What if the cloth rips? What if the baby lands wrong and gets whiplash? Is there no such thing as shaken baby syndrome over there either? (Probably not, due to the lack of British Au Pairs). What if the Baby Hucker misses?! Do you think that guy gets ladies after the event is over? He’s basically like the baby hucking equivalent of a baseball pitcher, quarterback, emcee, or lead singer. I wonder if he goes on the road, or if he only hucks from that one roof. That’d be tough going to away games. The tower might be different, the pressure of opposing fans heckling you might get in his head. He might start over thinking each drop. I feel like there might be a couple miscues; I hope they have some baby cleanup crews handy.

And where do they take those babies? You see how fast they pick them up and just start passing them around person to person. It looks like a damn Baby Bazaar and any crazy person that wants a baby can just grab it and run. All I know is, I’m surprised there’s not more piss and crap all over the people below, because I sure as hell know I’d shit myself if some dude I didn’t know held me over the edge of a building and dropped me.


Song of the Week: “Dondante” by My Morning Jacket

Quote of the Week: “The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating." - Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course.

Random Fact of the Week: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Picture of the Week: I've been wanting to say that for years

Until next week, Schlitz and Hot Dog night, next Thursday, May 15th. Inquire within.


Fred

May 2, 2008 7 Year Old Drivers

In case none of you have seen this, it was actually requested by a few people for a topic. This 7 year old kid decided to steal his grandma’s car because he got mad at her. Just watch the video and listen to his responses. Foreshadowing perhaps? Should we just lock him up now, or do we want to give him a slap on the wrist and take away his video games for the weekend. If I were a betting man, I’d think that we’re going to see this kid again. I think the cops should turn a blind eye to grandma and let her “do her thang.”

I have to be honest though, it was hard taking this kid seriously after the first shot of him waddling in a jolly manner across the parking lot. There’s a slightly warped perception of reality by that kid though, and someone needs to beat it back into place. I nominate grandma . . . or Chuck Norris.

Actually, where the hell’s Scruff McGruff when you need him?


Song of the Week: “Stars” by Hum. Classic.

Quote of the Week: “When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." - Frederick Ryder

Random Fact of the Week: Thrity-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Picture of the Week: Smart Man, I like his style.

Until next week, this. is. JEOPARDY!


Fred

April 25, 2008 Girls with Boyfriends

I feel like this should be some sort of “ology” or sociology/psychology study: the immediate loss of interest of a male in a female when said female declares that she has a significant other.

Enjoy this video that was sent to me this morning: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812805
I pretty much agree with the guy’s reaction, though I’m nice enough to hang around and pretend to be interested in the conversation after you drop the bomb. Take note: I’m not interested (unless you speak Italian or rock climb AND snowboard/ski double blacks).


Song of the Week: “Rise Above” by Black Flag. It’s Friday . . . and it’s nice out. You know what this song makes you want to do . . . so go do it.

Quote of the Week: “Half of the people in the world are below average.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: The average CEO's salary in the US is 475 times greater than the average worker's salary.

Picture of the Week: So . . . ?


Until next week, these hips don’t lie,


Fred

April 18, 2008 Diversify Your Portfolio

Growing up you hear about the need to “diversify your portfolio.” You hit the real world, you start making some “benjamins,” and the draw to invest becomes more important. And then they hit you with the phrase, “You gotta diversify your portfolio to minimize risk.”

Keeping this information in mind . . . why do we not diversify our portfolio of friends? Instead we clump our “investments” into generally homogenous stocks (read: friends). I know my portfolio is 97.5% white people. Of those, another 75% of them are Catholic. I’m branching out about as much as the KKK (*Disclaimer: I have never been affiliated with or support this group . . . though I think their robes are hilarious. If the 15th century had a white trash relative, they would be it.)

What happens if one day an epidemic breaks out that Caucasians are most susceptible to? You’d have no friends left if you survived (disregard the fact that you’d probably be more concerned about your own survival and aftermath than making new friends, but that logic is erroneous). That’s why it’s important to branch out a little, minimize the “friend-fallout” risk by investing in a few different races. Accidentally make a black guy joke? No worries, you’ve still got some whities and Asians to fall back on. Did you comment on how horribly terrible Crasians are at driving while driving home . . . with an Asian friend in the car? Don’t fret, you’ve still got some WASPs and brothers waiting for you back at home. Wanna crank “Gasolina” in your car while cruising around with your windows down in the summer? Can’t do it with a bunch of crackers in the car . . . time to invest in some Hispanic amigos!

Now if only I could find someone to do my damn lawn . . .


Song of the Week: “Black Thunder” by Doomrider. Horrible name for a song, and even worse name for a band . . . the song still rocks though. I guarantee you’ll tap your feet along with this hard-charging rock tune.

Quote of the Week: “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” - Douglas Adams
Random Fact of the Week: Coca-Cola translated to Chinese means, "To make mouth happy".

Picture of the Week: That’s a big hole . . . I wonder what other holes that big head has had to fit through . . .

Until next week, party on Wayne . . . party on Garth,


Fred

April 4, 2008 Excellent Time Killing Resource

You can just hate me later . . .

Yesterday a coworker sent me a link to a website; the article she referenced was a Court TV April Fools joke, which was pretty funny. However, I further explored said website and discovered a schmorgusborg of “Top-10” articles on a ton of random topics. Instead of even trying to sum up these articles, I’ll just let you explore on your own, with or without a teenage Shoshone Indian girl as your guide.

The article I’ve linked to was my personal favorite. If you have time/audio at work, definitely check them out. It’s borderline awkward . . . probably best described as a train wreck in process. Horrible, gruesome, you know what the outcome will be, you’ll probably have to be a good Samaritan and help crying kids and injured passengers, but you need to keep watching, hoping a Jerry Springer veteran will pop out of the audience and take a few swings.

Hello, McFly . . . anybody home?!

Runners-Up: Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes, 5 Ways Hollywood Tricks You Into Seeing Bad Movies, The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats Ever


Song of the Week: “Collagen Rock” by McLusky

Quote of the Week: "Owning a dog in a city is like saying: My need for companionship outweighs my distaste for picking up shit." - Demitri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: Mosquito's are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.

Picture of the Week: Fail.

Until next week, Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby,


Fred

March 28, 2008 Gas Prices

Uh oh . . . uh oh. I smell a rant coming on. Bring in the Febreeze.

I’m sure most of us are feeling the pinch of the ridiculous gas prices. I feel old when I say, “When I got my license, gas prices were under a dollar.” That was about eight years ago. In eight years it’s gone from about $.95/gallon to $3.20/gallon. This means in eight years, prices have risen roughly 337%. You know, in an era where consumers really do control the marketplace and have the power to dictate the way corporations can act, I’m surprised things have gone this far.

And what about these corporations, cough ExxonMobil cough. Usually these companies give some sort of incentive to customers to keep coming back, or even offer loyal customer appreciation gifts. I mean, they should at LEAST offer some Advil and Vaseline for every 10 gallons you spend with them, seeing how when you leave the gas pump it feels like you got tagged upside the head with a Louisville Slugger and got your backside violated. Bastards. Yearly sales for 2007 were over $400 billion, resulting in a $40 billion profit. Something doesn’t seem right. Sure, it’s basic economics, supply and demand. But I think we all have to face the fact that gas prices will continue to rise, and whether we like it or not, there will be a breaking point where prices become too expensive and we’ll either seek alternative methods of transportation, or we’ll just all Mad Max our way to gasoline and oil access. They’re predicting gas prices will reach $4/gallon this summer. Looks like I’ll be riding my bike to work.

Starting this weekend I’m beginning my own personal boycott of ExxonMobil. Do I think this will do anything to get them to drop prices? Hell no, I’m not stupid. But I’ll at least be saving money on all of the Advil and Vaseline I won’t have to buy, not to mention preserving the dignity of my ass.


Song of the Week: “Where I’m From” by Digable Planets

Quote of the Week: “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” – Samuel Goldwyn

Random Fact of the Week: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Picture of the Week: Sometimes you just have to face your fears

Until next week, shenanigans!


Fred

March 21, 2008 Inappropriate Fridays

You’ve heard of Christmas, you’ve heard of Easter, and you’ve heard of Thanksgiving. All very important days. But let me crack an egg of knowledge on you; there’s a new sheriff in town, and its name is “Inappropriate Fridays.”

It all started back in the day when a young professional received a Hallmark e-card from one of his roommates. He then forwarded that card to some co-workers, finding out that the card is part of a series giving each day a theme. The original theme for Friday was found to be “I don’t care Fridays.” That quickly developed into “I don’t give a f*** Fridays.” But that wasn’t enough. There was an inherent need to expand and develop (Manifest Destiny), and immediately after a “your mom” joke was made, Inappropriate Fridays was born into lore.

Unlike Hanukkah, this is a non-denominational day for all to enjoy; the only requirement is that you give 110% every Friday. When you hear someone mention something that can be flipped, it’s your moral obligation to jump in with an inappropriate comment. When you walk out of the office today, ask yourself, “Did I give everything I had? Did I take advantage of every opportunity that was presented? Did I leave it all out on the field?” If the answer is No, just carry that burden for the weekend knowing, you’ve not only let me down, but you let your parents, your country, and Webster down. Like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.

Spread that shit, spread it like butter.


Song of the Week: “Act IV: You Don't Need A Witness” by The Sound of Animals Fighting

Quote of the Week: “Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you . . . very homosexually.” – Peter Griffin

Random Fact of the Week: In your lifetime, you'll shed over 40 pounds of skin.

Picture of the Week: I can only imagine that conversation. “So, uh, getting any bites today there champ?”
“Ehh, few nibbles here and there; though I can never fit them through the grate.”
“Bummer.”
“Yeah, bummer . . . I’m hungry.”

Until next week, if looks could kill you would be an Uzi,


Fred