November 30, 2007 Sometimes The World Doesn't Make Sense

I had to make people aware of this article. It’s about a school teacher in Sudan that “incited religious hatred” by letting her class name a teddy bear Mohammed. When I first read the title, I thought that she maybe had incited hatred towards Christianity maybe, or something of the sort. But no. In an obvious misunderstanding, she was accused of causing hatred against the Muslim faith, and then sentenced to 15 days in prison for it. And not just some regular prison, I’m talking about a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. There’s just something about extreme fundamentalist religion in general, and governments mixed up in religion that scares me a little bit. Just a little bit.

This woman could’ve stayed home and taught little English chaps like Oliver and Reginald in a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Instead she volunteered to move to an impoverished nation and help teach the children that will be the future of that country. Though I’m willing to bet she’s found a lot more little Olivers asking, “Please sir, can I have some more.” What does she get? A nice little handbook titled “Don’t Drop the Soap.” I’m hoping the government of Sudan realizes the type of message they’re sending to the rest of the world and aid-workers devoted to helping them. “Walk on egg shells people. There is no room for cultural misunderstandings in our neck of the woods.”
As-Salamu Alaykum. Praise be to Allah.

Song of the Week: “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” by Nirvana

Quote of the Week: “It’s a hitter’s game.’” – Richard A. Melino. The quintessential phrase of our time.

Random Fact of the Week: The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Picture of the Week: Nothing good can come from this . . . nothing.

Until next week, Do you have it? . . . GUTS!


Fred

November 23, 2007 Holiday Traveling

The holiday season is traditionally a time of heavy traveling. And of course during a time when many people cram into small areas, tempers flare and incompetence (read: mild retardation) spills out onto everyone exposed to it.

During my recent travels, I was lucky enough to have minimal exposure to such unsettling and frustrating practices, but I'm sure the same can't be said for most people. I've never really understood what is so difficult about traveling: You make sure to show up early, check in (check any bags if you have any), grab the ticket, do the security dance, and then go sit and wait for the plane. Once boarding occurs, find the row that matches the number on your ticket (unless you fly southwest, but I'm not even going to get into their archaic boarding procedures) and then have yourself a seat. For some reason people find it necessary to make each of these steps a little bit more complicated and time consuming than it needs to be.

Let's take a look at security. Obviously security measures have changed significantly since 9/11, but I feel some are a tad overboard. Taking out all liquids? Questionable. They swiped my water and threw it out without even asking me. That was BS considering I paid $2.49 for it and only drank half of it. And making you put all liquids into a plastic baggy. I definitely feel safer knowing that when that liquid compound bomb blows up there's a Ziploc bag covering it to contain the explosion. It's just another completely unnecessary step that creates problems and inefficiencies in an already inefficient process. Who's to say that person isn't going to go take it out of the Ziploc bag as soon as they sit down? What a waste of time . . . and plastic, which creates trash. I'm telling the environmentalists and Green Party on you.

We've all experienced the boarding problems. For some reason, people find it more difficult than calculus to try and find their row. Usually when I do it, I just match the row number on my ticket to the number above the row on the plane. I don't know, maybe that's just me. The best is when you tell someone they're sitting in your seat, they argue with you, they find out that they are in fact sitting in the wrong seat, and then act like you're the a-hole that's causing the inconvenience. Maybe a little dope-slap will knock some sense into them. And never mind the idiots that can't find the right row, what about the chumps milling about in the isles oblivious to the fact that 50 people behind them are waiting for him/her to take a seat. Sometimes I just really wonder what's going on in peoples heads. But I'm sure if I found out, I'd be really, really disappointed.

Song of the Week: "Flutter" by Bonobo. An excellent tune to climb to.

Quote of the Week: "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Irish Proverb

Random Fact of the Week: The name for Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Picture of the Week: One of these objects is not like the others.

Until next week, it's a hitter's game.

Fred

November 16, 2007 Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings

Seeing as how we’re being force-fed holiday cheer already, I thought I’d bring up an issue that is about as disturbing as Boy George: PC Holiday BS.

I recently heard on the radio that a radio station was having a contest to see how many absurdly ridiculous PC holiday items callers could find. One of the calls mentioned that a Home Depot in the area now had “Holiday Trees.” Wait a minute, a Holiday Tree? What the hell is a Holiday Tree? I know every year my family and I put up a CHRISTMAS Tree, but I’ve never heard of a Holiday Tree before. Oh wait, it’s yet another attempt to make the holidays completely non-denominational and all-inclusive, void of any character and tradition. Well I’m sorry PC Activists out there, I’m going to take my Christmas Tree with me to Sensibleland. C’mon people, give me a break. Can’t call them Christmas Trees anymore? The tree is an actual part of the particular tradition for a religion’s specific holiday. I think it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I can swallow not saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone you see (especially in the part of the city I live in, I think my apartment makes up 20-30% of the Catholic population in our area). But for me to go to a farm or lot and ask for a Holiday Tree? Sorry, not happening; I’m sticking to my guns on this one. What about Christmas Carols? You want to take that away too? Call them Holiday Carols? That’s next on the list to go. All these PCers out there have their asses puckered tighter than a damn snare drum. Thanks for stripping away centuries of tradition, especially in a country that promotes diversity and rests its hat on being the “melting-pot” of the world.

And just wait another 20-30 years, even song lyrics will be censored. Al Sharpton will get in on the deal and force “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” to be changed to “I’m Dreaming of a Snowy Christmas.”


Song of the Week: “Black Mission Goggles” by Man Man. Appropriately described to me as sounding like a crazy Jewish circus . . . on acid.

Quote of the Week: “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: It snows more in the Grand Canyon than it does in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Picture of the Week: I feel like your target audience may miss the message.

Until next week, Ma . . . the meatloaf! FUCK!


Fred

November 9, 2007 Growing Up . . .

Here’s something we can all relate to. As kids we all have those moments of embarrassment or being ashamed, like pissing the bed (which may have occurred more recently for some people, due to either excessive drinking or excessive laughter) or letting out what you were expecting to be a silent one in class, only for it to blast a hole through your pants and reverberate off of the wood seats. But there are also times of embarrassment for other reasons, like when your parents get upset with you.

I’m willing to guess that 99 out of 100 kids would much rather get tossed around the room by a parent than have them say those dreaded words: “I’m very disappointed in you.” Oh God that hurts. You can hear the record scratch. It’s like you almost want to volunteer yourself for a beating rather than hear those words. There’s nothing you can do but walk around like a wounded animal for the next week hoping that something comes along even worse that will distract your parents for a little bit. But even if something does come along, no matter what you do, your parents can always shoot you back down with one simple move: the silent stare complimented with a slow shaking of the head.
Goddamn they’re good.


Song of the Week: “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck

Quote of the Week: “It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.” - John Andrew Holmes

Random Fact of the Week: There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Picture of the Week: A picture a co-worker sent to me. I don’t like cats, but the caption is what makes it.

Until next week, whatchou talkin’ bout Willis?


Fred

November, 2 2007 Morning Thoughts

Something occurred to me in the shower this morning . . . Pantene Pro-V really does add volume and shine. The OTHER thing that occurred to me was this: does anyone really pay attention to or notice their first thought they have in the morning when they wake up? I know I usually don’t. It’s something that I’ve noticed lately, as philosophical as this sounds, it really does set the tone for the rest of the day. Obviously certain days yield common reactions: “Goddamn Mondays, let’s hit the snooze button and maybe the weekend will come back.” Or maybe the alarm goes off: “Sonofabitch, me and Papa Smurf were about to finally stick it to Gargamel.” Sometimes I get the occasional “Dammit, how many times are they going to play Hall and Oates’s ‘Maneater’ in the morning?! Now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day.” For some odd reason, those are usually the best days I have . . . weird. Thanks Hall, thanks Oates.

Does anyone ever wake up and say, “I’m gonna have myself a great day today.” I’m not going to pretend like I do, but I think it’d be interesting to see what that does.


Song of the Week: “Lady at the Gate” by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. Music the band says will “melt your face off”

Quote of the Week: “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” - Aesop

Random Fact of the Week: A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

Picture of the Week: Something about this seems degrading

Until next week, oh here she comes, watch out boy, she’ll chew you up,


Fred