October 10, 2008 Tales of a Waiter in an Affluent Suburb

Chapter One: Basics of Tipping

As a county, Bergen County, NJ is among the top 20 counties in per capita income as of 2006. The median income for a family in Rivervale is $105,919. In the town of Rivervale, there is a restaurant, which will remain nameless, where I work. (Interestingly enough, it's called an Italian and American Restaurant but that only legitimately describes one guy who works at the restaurant and he is a server. Our manager is Moroccan, the owner and executive chef is Korean, and all the guys in the kitchen are Mexican.) Despite the material comfort of the surrounding neighborhood, I'm holding in my hand 8 Washingtons, single dollar bills for those of you who don't know your presidents. I'm left with three questions: "How the fuck did I get here?", "Are people seriously bad at math or did I really do a bad enough job to warrant an 8% tip?" and "How on earth can people justify spending 100 bucks on food and legitimately stiff the guy who served it?"

First question, I know how I got here and thank god, its temporary. You know that miserable old bag at the diner? I work with her. Her name is Lorraine and for the love of God, tip her ass; her life sucks. The least you could do is help her afford that bottle of Aristocrat vodka that puts her to sleep every night. I mean, the only thing she has to look forward to is driving the bus to the high school tomorrow and then serving the parents of those ingrates cocktails at the bar later that night. Besides that, most servers are students of some kind and most customers are rich douche-bags. Somehow, the leftward political lean of academia makes sense with that revelation.

Second, yes, people are seriously bad at math. I saw a guy break out his tip calculator on a check that was exactly 50 bucks. Off the top of my head 20% of 50 is 10, an $8 tip from that guy would have been 16% which is fine, though not awesome. If ever you are in doubt, here is a little exercise: Say the bill is 65.50. Move the decimal point one spot to the left (6.55) and now double it (13.10). That's 20%. The new industry standard is like 18% so knock off a dollar and voila, 18%. That's a waiter's tip for you.

Thirdly, I know the stock market is crashing, I hear about it everyday from the horrible prick who is at the bar every day drinking Sobieski on the rocks with a twist of lemon. Drinking vodka on the rocks at noon on a Wednesday should be the clinical definition of alcoholism (this guy and his cronies are a whole other can of worms). However, none of that justifies stiffing the waiter on the tip. I get paid $2.30 an hour which, by the way, is 10% of what I was making an hour at my last job, which also had benefits. I'm learning more and more that the reason people get rich is not because they make a lot of money but because they are assholes, capable of ignoring all the rules about how business is supposed to be done in an effort to cling to every train-track flattened penny that enters their grasp like grim death. The rich are just more effective thieves.
Unfortunately for me, getting an 8% tip is not the worst thing I've dealt with on this job. I'm prepared for bad tips, I can see those people a million miles away and it has nothing to do with race, mode of dress, or gender. In fact, I can only identify three things that always regularly identify bad tippers: if you ask about the complimentary salad, use a coupon, and order no beverages: I'm talking anything from a Coke to the fanciest shit our bar tender can mix up to the house white zinfandel. If all three of those things happen, I'm just about ready to not serve you, like, at all. I mean, I do and I do the same job for every because I'm an optimist. I'm prepared for the idea that I'm wrong and that you'll leave 25% . . . but my expectations are low.

Look, dude, if you are so strapped for cash that you need to use a coupon to afford dinner and you will forego salad if it isn't complimentary, you can't afford to go out to dinner. Take your wallet, drive over to McDonald's, and pick up a Big Mac because you're getting the same number of calories. And none of this shit about how Mickie D's is bad for you; if you witnessed the amount of oil and deep-frying and other things that go into your veal marsala, you would be perfectly aware that the only difference between a Big Mac and anything we serve (unless you get a salad) is about 45 minutes and $8 per person, plus tip.

Oh, so your girlfriend won't blow you if you take her to McDonald's? Guess what? If she will blow you only because you can afford to take her to a fancy restaurant, she doesn't really love you, it's just what she can get by being with you and how that makes her feel. Consequently,coupons are like condoms: they take away all the feeling for her, and asking about the complimentary salad is like bad dirty talk, it ruins the mood. She's just a hooker who takes her payments in the form of wine and crab meat while getting off on how hard you are trying to get laid. And you guessed it, you can't afford her. Find a girl who wants a forty of malt liquor and a pack of menthols. Where I come from,that's about 8 bucks and you could probably have her in the back of your Camry all weekend.

Songs of the Week (we're giving you two): "Leaving Trunk" by Taj Mahal

"The Celebrated Walkin' Blues" by Taj Mahal. Grab that chair and a bottle of whiskey cuz there ain't nothin that makes a song like a good harmonica and a broken heart.

Quote of the Week: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

Random Fact of the Week: The average person has 100,000 hairs on his/her head. Each hair grows about 5 inches (12.7 cm) every year.

Picture of the Week: I prefer the practice of uncivilized urinating, than you though.

Until next crime, keep the change, you filthy animal.

Nils