July 25, 2008 The Dark Knight Statistics

I’m sure everyone’s heard about the crazy record breaking figures that The Dark Knight pulled in the box offices during its opening weekend last weekend. Well, a few friends and I had a little too much free time on our hands and started crunching numbers (not employees). The Dark Knight grossed $158.4 million in its first weekend. On average, tickets cost $6.88 according to the national movie association (I don’t know where they got that damn number, we’re paying $10 a pop out here). So broken down, we’re talking 23 million people saw The Dark Knight in its opening weekend (and that’s only in America). But that’s not all; let take a deeper look into these numbers:

· If those 23 million people saw the movie back to back, and the movie is 159 minutes long, it would take 6,957 years and 278 days to finish.
· If you laid everyone who saw the movie down head to toe, it would stretch once around the equator.
· The number of people that saw it was greater than the population of 82% of all the European countries.
· Every person who saw the movie would have a copy of the Spice Girls’ “Spice” album (yep, we went there).
· The number of viewers would outrank all but one city in the entire world in terms of population (Tokyo).
· The number of people who saw it is the same as the entire population of the Ottoman Empire in 1875.
· With the amount of money it grossed, you could buy 8,336,842 Clappers.
· The average American produces 1,609 lbs of garbage per year, equating to .18lbs per hour. Each viewer would have produced roughly .5 lbs of trash during the movie. This means that 5,750 tons of trash were produced from the people watching this movie alone.

· There are an average of 80 people per square mile in the US. This means that we would need 287,500 square miles to fit everyone who saw the movie. This is 20,000 square miles more than the size of Texas.

Song of the Week: “To the Dogs or Whoever” by Josh Ritter.

Quote of the Week: “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” - Groucho Mark

Random Fact of the Week: The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

Picture of the Week: That might leave a mark.

Until next week, why so serious?


Fred (and associates)

July 18, 2008 Things That Make You Laugh

Sometimes you may feel a little overwhelmed with work or life. Sometimes you’re not really in the mood to deal with anyone, and you just want to run around going dope slaps to random people. Maybe you just want to kick down the door in your office and start going postal on your coworkers with a SuperSoaker xp105. But there are a few things that no matter how aggravated you are, they will always make you laugh/relax:

10: MXC
9: Farts
8: Someone getting hit in the head with a ball
7: Demetri Martin
6: Witnessing someone completely biff on a bike
5: A good tune (refer to below)
4: Seeing someone spontaneously puke
3: Charlie
2: ANYTHING from The Sandlot
1: Watching a swift shot to the “manzone”


Song of the Week: “Mountain Man Boogie” by Scissorfight. This one’s for you guys (you know who you are)

Quote of the Week: “After all is said and done, more is said than done.” - Aesop

Random Fact of the Week: House flies have a lifespan of two weeks.

Picture of the Week: Poor kid doesn’t even know what’s comin at him.


Until next week, wetter is better!


Fred

June 13, 2008 The Man Test

I’d like to think I’m a man. I like to rock climb, mountain climb, play/watch sports, and drink beer. I enjoy sitting around with other guys laughing about farts and stupid TV shows. Hell, I even enjoy relations with females. For us, some may say one becomes a man during his very first awkward intimate connection (pun?) with a female. But in every culture, the journey to becoming a man varies (make sure to read this link otherwise the rest of this article will be gibberish).

The beauty of this list is its diversity. It incorporates extreme sports and adrenaline rushes, like bungee jumping, physical aptitude tests (almost like playing sports in high school), crazy drug trips that would make Hunter S. Thompson look like Mother Theresa, and ones that are flat out disturbing . . . almost as bad as this. The only thing that they’re missing are eating contests. Forget the actual eating, nothing says Man having the tenacity to endure the pain of a 66 hot dog bowel movement . . . hope he got an epideral before skin met porcelain.

All I have to say is this: Mr. Tribal Shaman Chief, I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid.

Song of the Week: “The Food” by Common

Quote of the Week: “Never use while sleeping.” - Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Random Fact of the Week: The Hawaiian alphabet consists of only 12 letters.

Picture of the Week: Well played Mr. Churchill . . . well played.

Until next week, OOOHHH Mr. Adams!


Fred

June 6, 2008 The Throwback Edition

Let’s get nostalgic. It’s always nice to think back and recognize some of the little things that were so instrumental in making us the people we are today. Let’s take a little trip back to elementary school.

It was definitely important to pack your GI Joe lunchbox full of nutritious (and delicious) snacks. I know you’d definitely want to throw some Hi-C Ecto cooler in there, maybe some Capri Sun (though you’d spend half of lunch trying to poke the straw through the damn hole, give up, and just jam it in the bottom), or you could mix it up with a Mondo twist top. You’d definitely need some fruit roll ups or fruit by the foot in there for a snack, along with the obligatory PB&J.

Dress was the most important part though. There’s no way you could leave school without your sweet white Reebok High-Top pumps. Or maybe you were one of the kids that sported LA Gear or British Knights. Ladies, pop on your Jelly Shoes. All you needed to complete the deal were the flashing lights on the bottoms of the shoes. It’s important to pop on your BUM Equipment shirt and Umbro shorts. Gotta wear your Jordache acid washed jeans too for those cooler days.

Then you’d come home from school and play around with your Skip-It and snap bracelets. Maybe it’d be raining, so playing outside wouldn’t work. Well, you could always just play a few games of hungry hungry hippos, or spend 3 hours building Mouse Trap, just to watch the ball drop for 5 seconds, and not even trap the stupid mouse. Just make sure not to get caught up in the Crossfire though. A few games of Sonic on SEGA were a safe bet while blasting Green Day’s “Dookie” album in the background, mixed with some Ace of Base.

And while you were inside, you might as well be watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air while you play, followed by some MacGyver. Weekends were the best though, with David the Gnome, Ghost Busters, Double Dare, Salute Your Shorts, and maybe a little SNICK. And if you had it, GUTS.

For some reason I thought you might enjoy being brought back to your childhood; I just felt like getting that off my chest, kinda like Punky Brewster, ZING!


Song of the Week: “I Wish” by Skee-Lo. In honor of today’s topic

Quote of the Week: “The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.” -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

Random Fact of the Week: The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Picture of the Week: Nope, you didn’t make it.

Until next week, Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story . . .


Fred

May 30, 2008 Grab Bag

Oh, hello, come right in! Today’s one of those Fridays when I feel like people are willing to do about as much work as a sloth. Everyone I’ve talked to has been saying the same thing: “Fred, how’d you get so ridiculously good looking?” Lies, they actually just say they have zero motivation. Maybe it was Memorial Day and the long weekend last weekend; with all the nice weather it gave people a taste of summer, and now we want it in full bloom. Or maybe it’s in part due to the fact that a lot of people are hungover, I on the other hand, was very responsible last night and did not go out . . . ok, another lie; I panicked and thought I was in someone else’s apartment when I woke up on my couch at 4am.

Also, I’ve discovered the best energy drink out there. Forget Red Bull and Rock Star with their ridiculous prices just for a stupid drink, they can take them and (choose your own ending). Arizona Rx Energy. Stuff works like a damn charm; it’s a huge 23 oz. can for $.99. Bargain, just had to share it.

I’ve really had a craving for Ovaltine lately. What the hell am I doing with my life?


Song of the Week: “Wine Headed Woman” by Sonny Terry and Brownie McGhee

Quote of the Week: “Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: There are only four words in the common English language that end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

Picture of the Week: I would shit my leotard if i saw that.

Until next week, bring me back something French!


Fred

May 23, 2008 Tips

Something I’ve noticed recently that put a small smirk on my face was the fact that Dunkin Donuts has signs taped to the registers of some stores that say, “Please, no tips.” Thank you! I’m sure these have been up for months now, which shows how rarely I actually go. Was I the only one that thought it was slightly unprofessional to have little tip cups in front of the registers? Dunkin Donuts is a legit business chain. I mean, I’d still just leave the change in there if it was less than $.25 (what, I need the quarters for laundry, don’t judge me.) I kind of felt obligated to tip. I didn’t want to find out the hard way how they get that extra zing in the cream filled donuts. But still, I don’t think moving two feet to the side and picking up a donut or a muffin really warrants a tip. Don’t be afraid to throw together a little chicken parm plate while you’re back there either, THEN you’ll see the tip come out.

If I get great service, sure, I’ll tip you. But when I tell you three different times that I want a breakfast sandwich with bacon, I’m not going to give you extra money, sorry. Maybe you should give me some money instead; I think that’s fair. Usually teachers get paid for giving lessons, and I’m sitting here giving you English lessons every time I order. I’ll just pass that off as some good Samaritan community service . . . or maybe I can write that off in my taxes somehow.

And what the hell’s the deal with Snuffleupagus?


Song of the Week: “Minerva” by Deftones

Quote of the Week: “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.” – Yogi Berra

Random Fact of the Week: Pluto receives as much solar energy in 25 years as the Earth does in 1 minute.

Picture of the Week: I think the caption says it all.

Until next week, can you scratch my nuts?


Fred

May 16, 2008 Random Things You Never Think About

Ever stop and think about some of the everyday things we use and take for granted, and then think about who designs them?

A friend asked me last night: “Who do you think designs the $20 bills?” Well my friend, good question, let’s ruminate together. Who really does design some of these things? I mean, I’m sure a small group of federal employees get together and talk about what to do for it. But how do they really decide? Is there one guy that vehemently insists on using Arial font rather than Times New Roman, or is there a unanimous consensus that it’s the way to go. What about the picture? You don’t want good ol’ AJ lookin a little bloated . . . you need something dignified.

Let’s relate this to something. You think that guy (or girl) uses that to start conversations at bars? “What do you do?” “Oh, I club baby seals for their fur.” “Oh, well that’s very UNlady-like.” “I know, what do you do?” “Well, you know the $20 bill? Yeah, I MADE that.” Why is it that I always revert to random dialogues between people. I think making up conversations could be considered somewhat unstable . . . but then again depending on who you ask it can be perceived as creative or imaginative. Regardless, I don’t think that would ever get old. Anytime you meet someone new, one of the first questions they’ll always ask, is: What’s your name, what do you do, do you have any illegitimate kids, and were you a fan of the Jefferson’s movin on up to the east side.

It’s food for thought, so grab a buffet plate. This shit’s so phat, you might gain weight.

That really just happened.


Song of the Week: “Acid Raindrops” by People Under The Stairs. This is some excellent chill hip hop. You can't tell me you're not feeling better after listening to this tune.

Quote of the Week: “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Picture of the Week: Ahh shit.

Until next week, I WANNA TALK TO SAMPSON!


Fred