December 28, 2007 Bad Wedding Announcement Names

As I came into work this morning, I was still strapped for a topic to write about. And then this fell on my head while talking to a few co-workers. Apparently this is something that Jay Leno does on his show, but I have never watched his show, so I was completely unaware and entirely intrigued. I decided to go on a mission to find some of these; I thought it would be a fun way to enjoy a Friday without using our brains (this also being the last Friday of 2007) Enjoy, the wonderful world of wedding announcement names gone hysterically wrong.

Song of the Week: “Nan You’re a Window Shopper” by Lily Allen. The guiltiest of pleasures. There’s something about a Bri-ish girl with a dirty sailor accent singing reggae that gets me jazzed.

Quote of the Week: “ Hermits have no peer pressure.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: The U.S. ranks 29th in overall life expectancy, which is 78 years.

Picture of the Week: All of the above

Until next week, Yo Adrienne!


Fred

December 21, 2007 Infomercials

Recent conversations have made me feel obligated to write about this common marketing technique: Infomercials ALWAYS make everyday tasks seems so difficult. Even the simplest tasks all of a sudden become the most time-intensive and frustrating events. “Having trouble brushing those teeth?! Our Brushomatic 2000 can save you time and energy by helping you get all of those hard to reach teeth!” And I know you can picture it. Sonny Simpleton sitting in the bathroom trying to brush his teeth and just looking like an epileptic dancing at a rave party, knocking teeth out and tearing up his gums. I think if our ancestors survived without some of this crap, I think we should be fine. I really enjoy watching the people in these infomercials too; they get so frustrated so easily. After about one or two failed attempts to cut a carrot with a “regular old dull” knife, they get pissed and throw stuff down in a fit of frustration. I just laugh. It’s like going to a cheesy horror movie. “Nope, don’t do that, you don’t want to do that! Don’t cut right . . . ooohhh, damn, totally missed the tomato.” Yep, you got served . . . you got served REAL good.

And then after they make it sound so easy to use, they make it sound even EASIER to pay for it! AWESOME! They’re so considerate. “For just 4 easy payments of your first-born, you can have this in the luxury of your own home.” They always have to put the word “easy” in there. Without that word, it just wouldn’t be the same. As if ordering this product would be any different than buying an appliance at some store. And they always make sure to throw in more and more free crap. “For a limited time, when you buy one, we’ll throw in a second one for free! Not because we care about our customers and want you to enjoy this ground-breaking product, but because the lease on our warehouse is up and we can get rid of this shit fast enough!”

Song of the Week: “The First Baptist Church of Jacksonville” by Evergreen Terrace

Quote of the Week: “Experience is something you get after you need it.” - unknown

Random Fact of the Week: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Picture of the Week: Way to make an example of the guy (hint: look at what he’s wanted for).

Until next week, this is it . . . don’t get scared now.


Fred

December 14, 2007 Prescription Drugs

I’m sure a lot of you have seen some form of prescription drug advertisement within the past month. What I’m also guessing is that you’ve probably noticed how absurd they are. Most have side-effects far worse than the actual ailment. I can just imagine the conversation now:
“Hey doc, I’m having trouble sleeping because my leg keeps moving while I’m in bed.”
“Well, that sounds to me like you have RLS.”
“Oh shit, that sounds pretty bad, what is it?!”
“Restless Leg Syndrome. I have a new drug that can help that though.”
“Ok, what are the side effects?”
“Well, common side effects include headaches, nausea . . . hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.”

Umm, let’s rewind that for a second. “Hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.” When the hell did prescription drugs start making people have crazy impulses to gamble? Does that sound crazy to anyone else aside from me? That’s not a prescription drug, that’s some sort of Las Vegas Tourism Board wonderdrug. They should start handing that stuff out like it’s Halloween candy. But that’s only the beginning, and those are only the FUNNY side effects. What about these other drugs that cure migraines and other REAL problems? Side effects including, again, nausea, fatigue, sometimes depression. But then it gets good. Uncontrollable bowel movements. OOOHHH, sign me up for that! Even though migraines affect my ability to function within society, nothing puts me back on track like wearing Depends to work every day! And they always feel the need to make these “problems” into acronyms just to make them sound scarier. “You have Erectile Dysfunction” doesn’t have the same effect as “You have ED.” Or Restless Leg Syndrome. I’d laugh at that. But if I heard I had RLS, I’d donate half of my paycheck to the first society/association I could find that does research to cure it.

I’m not even going to touch erectile dysfunction, it’s just too easy. “Call your physician if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” Sonofabitch! I wanted to be able to perform for 15 minutes, but now I’m stuck with the Washington Monument in my pants since 6pm yesterday . . . I don’t think the people at work would appreciate that very much. And god forbid any mall Santa ever take Viagra or Cialis. A lot of boys and girls would surely get a surprise that Christmas.


Song of the Week: “Given Flight by Demon’s Wings” by Shai Hulud

Quote of the Week: “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” - Dr. Leo Troy

Random Fact of the Week: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

Picture of the Week: Inappropriate

Until next week, Boom goes the dynamite.


Fred

December 7, 2007 Privacy

Let’s talk about privacy. Two questions: Is there such a thing anymore? And should anyone really care?

There has been a lot of talk about the whole Facebook Beacon program, which basically advertises, on Facebook, your purchases through affiliate sites. There has been a HUGE movement against this in the past month. The problem is, it wasn’t an “opt-in” program. You would automatically be signed up for it regardless of your knowledge of it happening. It got me thinking: In an age of the internet and all of this technology, is there really such thing as privacy anymore. I find it interesting that most people don’t realize what gets tracked in regards to your internet usage . . . which is basically everything. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh crap, I’ve been to quite a few questionable sites recently, some of which may or may not have involved midgets and squirt guns.” Every single search query you enter into Google, Yahoo, or any other search engine gets logged. Every single site you visit gets tracked. Even when companies say they don’t store your internet behavior, they lie. Technically they don’t “store” it, but they do gather it and sell it off to other companies so that these companies can deliver you more targeted and personalized ads. It gets tracked all the way down to your IP address. But don’t worry, this is the one time it’s nice to be viewed as a number, not a name.

Now I could go on about the internet all day. But what about phone calls and video cameras? To tell you the truth, it doesn’t bother me. You think the government really wants to monitor you talking about the new shoes you bought on clearance at Aldo’s? I’ll give you the answer, only to the old JELL-O jingle of our youth: “H-E-L-L-NO.” And what about video monitoring? I don’t really think the “monitoring police” would huddle around a video camera watching me deliver my exquisite rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in the shower. Do you really think they’d monitor every single house? Again, think JELL-O theme. Only people with suspicious behavior would be monitored. And plus, it would cost WAY too much money.

To break it down: Do I have a problem with a program using my internet behavior to advertise what I buy to others without my knowledge and/or consent. Yep; I’ll advertise what I want, thankyouverymuch. Do I have a problem with my internet behavior being tracked in general. Or even conversations being taped? Nope. I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide, and frankly, I think the “monitoring police” have much better things to do than to watch me scratch my ass on the couch. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.


Song of the Week: “Summer Song” by Eyes Like Knives

Quote of the Week: “One day as I came home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ - Rodney Dangerfield.

Random Fact of the Week: Flea's can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6ft. person jumping 780 ft. into the air

Picture of the Week: There must be a perfectly good explanation for this.

Until next week, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.


Fred

November 30, 2007 Sometimes The World Doesn't Make Sense

I had to make people aware of this article. It’s about a school teacher in Sudan that “incited religious hatred” by letting her class name a teddy bear Mohammed. When I first read the title, I thought that she maybe had incited hatred towards Christianity maybe, or something of the sort. But no. In an obvious misunderstanding, she was accused of causing hatred against the Muslim faith, and then sentenced to 15 days in prison for it. And not just some regular prison, I’m talking about a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. There’s just something about extreme fundamentalist religion in general, and governments mixed up in religion that scares me a little bit. Just a little bit.

This woman could’ve stayed home and taught little English chaps like Oliver and Reginald in a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Instead she volunteered to move to an impoverished nation and help teach the children that will be the future of that country. Though I’m willing to bet she’s found a lot more little Olivers asking, “Please sir, can I have some more.” What does she get? A nice little handbook titled “Don’t Drop the Soap.” I’m hoping the government of Sudan realizes the type of message they’re sending to the rest of the world and aid-workers devoted to helping them. “Walk on egg shells people. There is no room for cultural misunderstandings in our neck of the woods.”
As-Salamu Alaykum. Praise be to Allah.

Song of the Week: “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” by Nirvana

Quote of the Week: “It’s a hitter’s game.’” – Richard A. Melino. The quintessential phrase of our time.

Random Fact of the Week: The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Picture of the Week: Nothing good can come from this . . . nothing.

Until next week, Do you have it? . . . GUTS!


Fred

November 23, 2007 Holiday Traveling

The holiday season is traditionally a time of heavy traveling. And of course during a time when many people cram into small areas, tempers flare and incompetence (read: mild retardation) spills out onto everyone exposed to it.

During my recent travels, I was lucky enough to have minimal exposure to such unsettling and frustrating practices, but I'm sure the same can't be said for most people. I've never really understood what is so difficult about traveling: You make sure to show up early, check in (check any bags if you have any), grab the ticket, do the security dance, and then go sit and wait for the plane. Once boarding occurs, find the row that matches the number on your ticket (unless you fly southwest, but I'm not even going to get into their archaic boarding procedures) and then have yourself a seat. For some reason people find it necessary to make each of these steps a little bit more complicated and time consuming than it needs to be.

Let's take a look at security. Obviously security measures have changed significantly since 9/11, but I feel some are a tad overboard. Taking out all liquids? Questionable. They swiped my water and threw it out without even asking me. That was BS considering I paid $2.49 for it and only drank half of it. And making you put all liquids into a plastic baggy. I definitely feel safer knowing that when that liquid compound bomb blows up there's a Ziploc bag covering it to contain the explosion. It's just another completely unnecessary step that creates problems and inefficiencies in an already inefficient process. Who's to say that person isn't going to go take it out of the Ziploc bag as soon as they sit down? What a waste of time . . . and plastic, which creates trash. I'm telling the environmentalists and Green Party on you.

We've all experienced the boarding problems. For some reason, people find it more difficult than calculus to try and find their row. Usually when I do it, I just match the row number on my ticket to the number above the row on the plane. I don't know, maybe that's just me. The best is when you tell someone they're sitting in your seat, they argue with you, they find out that they are in fact sitting in the wrong seat, and then act like you're the a-hole that's causing the inconvenience. Maybe a little dope-slap will knock some sense into them. And never mind the idiots that can't find the right row, what about the chumps milling about in the isles oblivious to the fact that 50 people behind them are waiting for him/her to take a seat. Sometimes I just really wonder what's going on in peoples heads. But I'm sure if I found out, I'd be really, really disappointed.

Song of the Week: "Flutter" by Bonobo. An excellent tune to climb to.

Quote of the Week: "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Irish Proverb

Random Fact of the Week: The name for Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Picture of the Week: One of these objects is not like the others.

Until next week, it's a hitter's game.

Fred

November 16, 2007 Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings

Seeing as how we’re being force-fed holiday cheer already, I thought I’d bring up an issue that is about as disturbing as Boy George: PC Holiday BS.

I recently heard on the radio that a radio station was having a contest to see how many absurdly ridiculous PC holiday items callers could find. One of the calls mentioned that a Home Depot in the area now had “Holiday Trees.” Wait a minute, a Holiday Tree? What the hell is a Holiday Tree? I know every year my family and I put up a CHRISTMAS Tree, but I’ve never heard of a Holiday Tree before. Oh wait, it’s yet another attempt to make the holidays completely non-denominational and all-inclusive, void of any character and tradition. Well I’m sorry PC Activists out there, I’m going to take my Christmas Tree with me to Sensibleland. C’mon people, give me a break. Can’t call them Christmas Trees anymore? The tree is an actual part of the particular tradition for a religion’s specific holiday. I think it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I can swallow not saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone you see (especially in the part of the city I live in, I think my apartment makes up 20-30% of the Catholic population in our area). But for me to go to a farm or lot and ask for a Holiday Tree? Sorry, not happening; I’m sticking to my guns on this one. What about Christmas Carols? You want to take that away too? Call them Holiday Carols? That’s next on the list to go. All these PCers out there have their asses puckered tighter than a damn snare drum. Thanks for stripping away centuries of tradition, especially in a country that promotes diversity and rests its hat on being the “melting-pot” of the world.

And just wait another 20-30 years, even song lyrics will be censored. Al Sharpton will get in on the deal and force “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” to be changed to “I’m Dreaming of a Snowy Christmas.”


Song of the Week: “Black Mission Goggles” by Man Man. Appropriately described to me as sounding like a crazy Jewish circus . . . on acid.

Quote of the Week: “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: It snows more in the Grand Canyon than it does in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Picture of the Week: I feel like your target audience may miss the message.

Until next week, Ma . . . the meatloaf! FUCK!


Fred