F.F.F.F.

January 16, 2009 Bird Strike

2009-01-16T14:59:00.002-05:00

I really don’t like to poke fun at unfortunate situations. I’m sure it was pretty scary being in a plane when a pilot says, “Brace for impact.” I’m not gonna play the tough guy card, I’m sure I’d be screaming and running around looking for a female between the ages of 13-75 to get in one last good make out before taking the eternal nap.

But everyone survived . . . so let’s get to it.

Heat-seeking missiles. Surface to Air Missiles. Terrorists with knives. Electrical malfunctions. All things that have taken lives and downed aircraft. And now that daunting list becomes even longer with a new member to the club: Birds. We’re not talking any birds, these are STRIKING birds. Just as the pilot said, “We’ve experienced a bird strike and the engines have malfunctioned.” My question is: What the hell constitutes a bird strike? I mean, was it one rogue bird that was having a pretty shitty day and decided to end it all? Or are we talking a gaggle of geese that made a cold-blooded premeditated attack on our unsuspecting victims? I guess we’ll never know as our suspects were chopped up into fish food during the process.

You know what? I bet it was them damn “Al Qaeders” that trained those birds. Goddamn terrorist birds. Now we have one more thing to look out for. I bet they used Bald Eagles to perform the strike too. Turning the pride of America against us . . . bastards. You’d think these crazy airlines with their huge aeronautics contracts could devise a way of creating “engine grills” that go over the intake manifolds of these huge jet engines to prevent these multimillion dollar pieces of machinery from being brought down by birds. One would think. But then again, we can’t give people TOO much credit, we do live in a world where this is possible.

Oh yeah, one other thing.

Song of the Week: "Black Mags" by The Cool Kids. Chicago's finest

"Pennies" by The Cool Kids. Life's too short to have just one song of the week

Quote of the Week: “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” - Bill Cosby

Random Fact of the Week: No president of the United States was an only child.

Picture of the Week: Hell, $10? I'd give you it fresh for free.

Until next week, keep the change ya filthy animal.

Fred

December 5, 2008 The Snuggie

2008-12-05T11:14:00.003-05:00

Alright. We’re cutting the crap today. Straight to business. You may have all seen it by now. If you haven’t, then now you will. It’s the Snuggie. Watch the commercial. Seriously, right now. Watch it.

Marinate on that one for a bit.

Ok. Let’s jump in . . . are you F***ING kidding me?! I wrote earlier in life about how these As Seen On TV products always make life seem so much more difficult than it actually is. However, once you buy their product, everything will be so much easier. I just don’t know how I’ve managed to get by all these years without the Snuggie. I mean, reaching for those damn remotes and drinks and stuff? Jesus, it’s like my damn blanket is trying to keep me prisoner. I've had some serious issues as well with trying to work my remote, or read a book, with a blanket on. I think that's one of the more annoying/frustrating things in life. I might order it: 1) Paying bills when you know you're getting ripped off, 2) watching dirty politicians fast track this country down the tubes, 3) spinal tap twosies, and 4) my crazy ass blanket having a life of its own and preventing me from being a fully functional human being.

And last, but certainly not least: Wearing it to a sports event. I think the executives at Snuggie were huffing glue before, during, and after production of this commercial, because they were certainly about seven steps from reality. I would NEVER let my parents come watch me play a sport wearing one of those. Ever. That would be more embarrassing than pissing your pants in school in front of everyone. Speaking of school, maybe Papa Snuggie there in the video forgot what middle school was like. Seriously, what man in his right mind would show up at a sports event in one of those and NOT expect an ass-beating (and not of the prison shower room variety). Hey Tooley McToolstein, put on a damn sweatshirt if you're cold! You fail my friend. You fail BIG TIME.

I just can't wait to embarrass the shit out of my kids when I get older . . .

Song of the Week: “My Mind Playin Tricks on Me” by Geto Boys. The original Dirty South beats.
Quote of the Week: “Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal." Demetri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: The ears of a cricket are located on the front legs, just below the knee.

Picture of the Week: Tease.

Until next week, damn it feels good to be a gangster,

Fred

November 7, 2008 A Polite Plea

2008-11-07T15:45:00.004-05:00

As we’re all coming off of our political hangovers, I’m sure the last thing we all want to talk about is politics . . . so don’t worry, I’ll keep it light. I don't want anyone to burnout. I’m coming at this topic with a plea, not a rant. But here we go . . .
Let’s talk about voting . . . mostly just waiting in lines to vote in particular.
Now I understand it can suck waiting in line for a few hours in order to vote. I don’t think anyone really enjoys standing in line in order to do something that should take a few minutes. Luckily for me, I just had to walk my little ballot on down to the mailbox in the mailroom of my building. No lines for me . . . suckers. But I digress . . .
As I watched the news after the early polls opened up, the coverage focused on the long lines and interviewed people who seemed to be less than pleased about waiting in those lines. But let’s chat about that a second. I know it’s shitty to stand in a line for hours at a time. But let’s put it into perspective. You have the opportunity, the privilege, to be a part of and vote in what will be one of the single most historic events in American history. Your grandkids’ grandkids will study this in American History classes for years to come. And you can say you were there. But instead, you chose to complain that you had to wait 2 hours to vote, and were upset because you had to get back to work. That disturbs me. This is work where a client wanted a document by the end of the day, and if you didn’t get it to them, you’d be in “big trouble.” Well I’ll let you in on a little secret: you client or boss isn’t going to read it that night, so go ahead, live a little, get it to them Wednesday morning. I’ve waited longer to decide who’s more insane, Bill O’Reilly or Keith Olberman, than you waited to vote. It’s time to get our priorities straight.
A lot of nations would kill (and do kill) to have open and easily accessible elections and stations the way we have them. Sure, there are flaws, but there are flaws associated with anything of this magnitude. People waited for up to 12 hours in South Africa on April 27 1994 to cast their ballot in their first fully democratic election. And you know what, that will probably be one of the highlights of their lives on this earth. And you don’t think they had better things to be doing? They weren’t worried about going to work that day. They were worried about putting food on their tables that night, worried about being harassed, intimidated, and beaten by people that still didn’t recognize them as citizens.
So I think it’s time we stop and appreciate some of the opportunities we have. It’s easy to take things such as voting for granted, and I know a lot of people do. So my plea is for people to step back and look at this in the grand scheme of things, not on an individual level and how it may inconvenience you that one particular day.

Song of the Week: "Death Letter" by The White Stripes

Quote of the Week: "One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." - Plato

Random Fact of the Week: Starfish don't have brains

Picture of the Week: To the judge: "We didn't know he was there, honest."

Until next week, I need a dime,

Fred

October 24, 2008 Glory Days

2008-10-24T14:47:00.006-04:00

Now, seeing as I am from New Jersey, I understand that I may perhaps have a more thorough recollection of Bruce Springsteen lyrics than those not from the great Garden State (seriously, if I hear one more snide remark from the backseat, I will pull this blog over and you kids can walk home on the information superhighway.) In particular, Springsteen recorded a song in 1982 that was released in the year of my birth and peaked on the Billboard charts at #5 in the summer of the next year. It's called Glory Days.

Sadly enough, I have a series of characters that only have one thing in common: they hang out at the bar enough that I know their life stories well enough that I knew which parts are complete bullshit. To start, we have the high school basketball star, BG. Now, I watched this guy play in high school. Those of you who know me know that I suck at basketball and care little for things even remotely basketball related. However, I know from witnessing the way that this guy played the game that he scored a lot of points but I also know that he scored a lot of points in the same way that Reggie Jackson hit a lot of home runs. Basically, he took a lot of shots and enough of them dropped that no one had the nerve to complain that he never passed the ball, ever. His teammates just waited for rebounds and that was the only way they ever saw the ball. The way he tells it though, he lets you know he scored over a thousand points in his career and that he was recruited to play college ball and that he was forced to transfer because the coach who recruited him was fired and that he tore his Achilles tendon and he was never the same. He frequently ends the story of his college career, which ended at Fairleigh Dickinson University (also known as Fairly Ridiculous University), by informing those around him that were it not for the injuries he "would have been a lottery pick." For those of you who don't know, lottery picks are awarded to the 14 NBA teams that do not make the playoffs, meaning this guy was one of the 14 best players around the world not already in the NBA in 2007. Look, I'm not going to hate too hard but I would have gotten drafted into the NFL if I didn't leave the football team at Richmond to concentrate on my academics or if I was stronger or faster or bigger or whatever else I could have been. I've played against dudes in the NFL, both in high school and in college and fact is, I wasn't good enough. Neither was this guy but at least I'm not lying to myself about it.

Next up is BG's father, who is worse than his son about his glory days. Not only does this guy relive his own glory days, he relives his son's, telling me about how he and his son are the only father-son combination to score 1000 points in basketball in the history of the State of New Jersey and possibly the nation. Worse than that, he also relives his BROTHER's glory days. Apparently, his brother was robbed of the Heisman by Pete Dawkins, a teammate of his on the Army football team. The assertion is just so ridiculous that it literally boggles the mind. I just hope I've accomplished something by the time I'm 60 so I don't have to vicariously relive the accomplishments of my life, my son's life, and my brother's life to be satisfied with my day.
Worse yet than either of these characters, is a former vice president of a Fortune 50 company who regularly comes in before noon and is sloshed before 3. I've heard that he made vice president before he was 30 about 1000 times. Worse than that, he brags about his time in the Navy, about all the money he made in the stock market (he comes in and drinks for a different reason these days), boasts about his pull with mayor of the town and town council (awesome dude, you are friends with the people in charge of running a town of 10,000, tell them I said hey next time you hit the country club), and about how he has written letters to our congressman Scott Garrett about a variety of topics from a nomination for the Naval Academy for his friend's son to the condition of the Turnpike. However, none of that is quite as creepy as the way he talks about his own son. I've heard people talk about their kids and most of their boasts are benign and nice but this guy is telling me about how his son has a man's shoulders at 12, "like 0% body fat," and "a nice V-shape" with "great lats." I was irritated when he kept telling me about his son having his county golf card but I was just plain FREAKED OUT when I had to hear about a 12 year old boy's lats from the cigarette-scented mouth of his vodka-swilling father.
When this guy keeps telling me he wants to write a letter for me because he sees me going places, all I want to do is tell this guy I'm not going to let him put his finger inside me so he'll tell all his friends I'm a great guy.

Only other time I was more uncomfortable at this job was when I helped one of our female regulars carry her leftovers to the car and she asked me to come back to her bed with her. Pushy, unattractive, older women are terrifying.

Song of the Week: “Mr. Wendal" by Arrested Development

Quote of the Week: “There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.” - Lawrence Welk

Random Fact of the Week: You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

Picture of the Week: Me fail English? That unpossible!

Until next crime, don't tell me no lies and keep your hands to yourself,

Nils

October 10, 2008 Tales of a Waiter in an Affluent Suburb

2008-10-10T09:57:00.005-04:00

Chapter One: Basics of Tipping

As a county, Bergen County, NJ is among the top 20 counties in per capita income as of 2006. The median income for a family in Rivervale is $105,919. In the town of Rivervale, there is a restaurant, which will remain nameless, where I work. (Interestingly enough, it's called an Italian and American Restaurant but that only legitimately describes one guy who works at the restaurant and he is a server. Our manager is Moroccan, the owner and executive chef is Korean, and all the guys in the kitchen are Mexican.) Despite the material comfort of the surrounding neighborhood, I'm holding in my hand 8 Washingtons, single dollar bills for those of you who don't know your presidents. I'm left with three questions: "How the fuck did I get here?", "Are people seriously bad at math or did I really do a bad enough job to warrant an 8% tip?" and "How on earth can people justify spending 100 bucks on food and legitimately stiff the guy who served it?"

First question, I know how I got here and thank god, its temporary. You know that miserable old bag at the diner? I work with her. Her name is Lorraine and for the love of God, tip her ass; her life sucks. The least you could do is help her afford that bottle of Aristocrat vodka that puts her to sleep every night. I mean, the only thing she has to look forward to is driving the bus to the high school tomorrow and then serving the parents of those ingrates cocktails at the bar later that night. Besides that, most servers are students of some kind and most customers are rich douche-bags. Somehow, the leftward political lean of academia makes sense with that revelation.

Second, yes, people are seriously bad at math. I saw a guy break out his tip calculator on a check that was exactly 50 bucks. Off the top of my head 20% of 50 is 10, an $8 tip from that guy would have been 16% which is fine, though not awesome. If ever you are in doubt, here is a little exercise: Say the bill is 65.50. Move the decimal point one spot to the left (6.55) and now double it (13.10). That's 20%. The new industry standard is like 18% so knock off a dollar and voila, 18%. That's a waiter's tip for you.

Thirdly, I know the stock market is crashing, I hear about it everyday from the horrible prick who is at the bar every day drinking Sobieski on the rocks with a twist of lemon. Drinking vodka on the rocks at noon on a Wednesday should be the clinical definition of alcoholism (this guy and his cronies are a whole other can of worms). However, none of that justifies stiffing the waiter on the tip. I get paid $2.30 an hour which, by the way, is 10% of what I was making an hour at my last job, which also had benefits. I'm learning more and more that the reason people get rich is not because they make a lot of money but because they are assholes, capable of ignoring all the rules about how business is supposed to be done in an effort to cling to every train-track flattened penny that enters their grasp like grim death. The rich are just more effective thieves.
Unfortunately for me, getting an 8% tip is not the worst thing I've dealt with on this job. I'm prepared for bad tips, I can see those people a million miles away and it has nothing to do with race, mode of dress, or gender. In fact, I can only identify three things that always regularly identify bad tippers: if you ask about the complimentary salad, use a coupon, and order no beverages: I'm talking anything from a Coke to the fanciest shit our bar tender can mix up to the house white zinfandel. If all three of those things happen, I'm just about ready to not serve you, like, at all. I mean, I do and I do the same job for every because I'm an optimist. I'm prepared for the idea that I'm wrong and that you'll leave 25% . . . but my expectations are low.

Look, dude, if you are so strapped for cash that you need to use a coupon to afford dinner and you will forego salad if it isn't complimentary, you can't afford to go out to dinner. Take your wallet, drive over to McDonald's, and pick up a Big Mac because you're getting the same number of calories. And none of this shit about how Mickie D's is bad for you; if you witnessed the amount of oil and deep-frying and other things that go into your veal marsala, you would be perfectly aware that the only difference between a Big Mac and anything we serve (unless you get a salad) is about 45 minutes and $8 per person, plus tip.

Oh, so your girlfriend won't blow you if you take her to McDonald's? Guess what? If she will blow you only because you can afford to take her to a fancy restaurant, she doesn't really love you, it's just what she can get by being with you and how that makes her feel. Consequently,coupons are like condoms: they take away all the feeling for her, and asking about the complimentary salad is like bad dirty talk, it ruins the mood. She's just a hooker who takes her payments in the form of wine and crab meat while getting off on how hard you are trying to get laid. And you guessed it, you can't afford her. Find a girl who wants a forty of malt liquor and a pack of menthols. Where I come from,that's about 8 bucks and you could probably have her in the back of your Camry all weekend.

Songs of the Week (we're giving you two): "Leaving Trunk" by Taj Mahal

"The Celebrated Walkin' Blues" by Taj Mahal. Grab that chair and a bottle of whiskey cuz there ain't nothin that makes a song like a good harmonica and a broken heart.

Quote of the Week: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

Random Fact of the Week: The average person has 100,000 hairs on his/her head. Each hair grows about 5 inches (12.7 cm) every year.

Picture of the Week: I prefer the practice of uncivilized urinating, than you though.

Until next crime, keep the change, you filthy animal.

Nils

October 3, 2008 The Adventures of Frank

2008-10-03T16:55:00.004-04:00

So it’s Friday, and after last week’s political rant, I figured I’d lighten it up a little bit. This is a little story of my friend “Frank.” Enjoy.

The Setting: Friday night, a bar called Brendan's Pub.

Backstory: Frank went to this pub during the week a few times watch his favorite baseball team. The demographic at this bar are the typical "regulars"/locals. It's like Cheers, it's a place where everybody knows your name. It’s the watering hole on the corner that’s really friendly with really cheap drinks, and where they don’t ID you. The waitress is cute and really friendly. The second day Frank went in, all the same characters were there and remembered his name and such. It's definitely a middle-aged man/blue collar bar. So, on a Friday night, Frank went out with some co-workers, but they went home around 12, but Frank was still wired, so he went over to this bar by himself to see if anyone he had met was still hangin around . . .

The Story: Frank walks into the bar, sits in the same spot near the door, and gets his usual can of PBR. He pops it open, and looks around. Something seems off about the scene that night. Then he notices that it's 90% guys. Ok, no big deal. The waitress disappears, and he sits for 5 minutes or so before a guy comes over to him and says that the waitress is downstairs and will be up shortly. Thanks for the info broseph, but what's with the lisp and flamboyantly gay attitude? Oh.
All the dudes in there were gay. Shit. Frank couldn’t just leave a brand new beer though, that’s against man-law. But then disaster strikes; due to previous drinking, Frank realizes he has to piss. Due to the layout of this small bar it requires him to move through the bar all the way to the back, cutting through groups of gay dudes. Frank took his chances. Poor decision Frank. He would’ve been better off swallowing his socially competent pride and hosing those nice jeans of his. It was raining out anyways, no one would've noticed. So Frank goes through a group, and hears a guy say to his friend, "Oh, check out this guy here." Frank noticed that the guy gave him the up and down. Frank felt dirty . . . real dirty. So Frank did his business, while also filling the porcelain with tears. Frank now appreciates how girls feel when they go out.
He walks back out and takes his seat, feeling utterly violated. But then his night takes a turn: a blond walks over to him and sits down and initiates conversation with him. This is something new, maybe this night isn't so bad after all Frankie Boy. She asks him how old he thinks she is. Frank, being an intelligent guy, says 26, playing the safety card and blatantly shaving a few years off his guess. Turns out she's 30 (nice job Frank). So she asks him what he wants to talk about. He says travel, because she's foreign, and usually that's a fun conversation. She declines, saying that because she's been so many places that other people don't go, it's not fun for her to talk about it. Frank finds this fairly odd, so he asks her what she wants to talk about instead. "Politics." Again, using his intelligence, Frank immediately declines and tell her that it's a bad idea to talk about this at a bar, especially this late in the night. So the conversation quickly shifts again to a new topic.
Frank: "So, if we can't talk travel, and politics is off limits, what else do you want to talk about."
Blond: "Sex."

Frank was a deer in headlights. He asks her what about it that she'd like to know, and she says, "What do you think about it?" In the toolbag response of the century, custom for any 24 year old male caught in headlights, Frank replies, "Well, sex is great, and I love having it."
Strike one for Frank
So then he asks her what else, and she immediately responds: "Well, what do you think of bisexuals?" Again, headlights and Frank meet again.
"Well, I've never done it or anything, but I figure, if it makes you happy, more power to you."
Strike two for Frank
So she turns to the other side of the bar, then looks back at Frank and says: "Alright, I gotta go save my girlfriend (not “girl that’s a friend” girlfriend, but “let’s go home and play with rubber toys” girlfriend) from that guy that's hitting on her, but I'm gonna bring her back over here and we'll chat some more."

So let's pause here for a moment and digest what's going on. An attractive blond (with an accent, so it makes her hotter) approaches Frank, and starts talking about sex and bisexual experiences with Frank, and THEN tells Frank that she has a girlfriend, and that they'd like to talk some more with him. This is the part where Frank tells me he had the most amazing experience of his life with two lesbians, right?

Wrong. What did Frank do? As soon as she turned to go get her girlfriend, he panicked, threw down a couple bucks, and ran out the front door. Literally.

You fail Frank.

Song of the Week: "Hospital Bed" by Cold War Kids

Quote of the Week: "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." - F. P. Jones

Random Fact of the Week: The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched".

Picture of the Week: Oh HELL no!

Until next week, you chose . . . poorly,

Fred

September 26, 2008 Palin? Pal-OUT!

2008-09-26T11:53:00.003-04:00

So I’m just gonna throw this out there: I despise Sarah Palin. I think she’s bat-shit crazy. “But Fred, you’re such a sexist pig, you’re just saying that because she’s a woman!” Nay, I say. I don’t like her because she has about as much experience with politics as George W. has with being successful.

I was watching CNN like I usually do (only because there aren’t any other “more unbiased” news sources on TV), and one of the female news anchors jumped up on her soap box and started preaching about how it’s unfair that the men are protecting Sarah Palin and preventing her from speaking to the media and such. She said that Palin’s not a “delicate flower,” that she’s a strong woman and can handle herself. She called for the McCain campaign to “Free Palin.” Well, I’m sorry Miss Rosie Riveter, but the real reason the McCain campaign is sheltering her from press conferences (which she has held none of yet) and network news interviews (which she’s only conducted 3 of) is because of her overwhelming lack of experience. If she were to sit at an open forum press conference, she would get so grilled it would cast a serious doubt over the McCain campaign. Foreign policy? Fughetaboudit. Foreign policy to her is going to the local Chinese restaurant and trying to negotiate the menu and get a proper order through to the waiter. Her economic policy is spitting out as many poorly named kids as possible to try and get some sort of tax break. And abortion? We all the know that’s a short argument.

It has nothing to do with the fact that she has two boobs and a vagina, so please, watch your step when you’re getting down from your little platform there. I’m just really confused with how people have made such a huge deal about Obama’s “lack of experience,” but are overlooking the fact that there’s a 50% chance that John McCain will die in office, and it could feasibly be President Palin, of Alaska, soon. Luckily, there have been some cheap one way flights circulating online around the time of the election.

Song of the Week: “Naïve” by The Kooks

Quote of the Week: “You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.” - Pearl Williams

Random Fact of the Week: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

Picture of the Week: Symbolism? (Hint: Think US Economy)

Until next week, $700 Billion,

Puck Mule

September 19, 2008 Standing In Line

2008-09-19T13:52:00.003-04:00

Note to self: Don’t go to a late night bar by yourself, you may find yourself to be a nice fresh piece of meat in a gay bar.

So something has been occurring on a semi-regular basis around here. It involves standing in line. Granted, line-standing varies significantly by each culture. On a recent trip to Austria, I would stand in line waiting for the chair lifts (ski trip). One thing is that there was no “line,” it was just people funneling to get onto the chairlifts. It was pretty much the most sophisticated form of organized madness I had seen since my days in China in ’89. I could look down and see another man’s ski between my legs. Granted, I enjoy intimate relations, but they usually don’t involve a complete stranger, my virgin ass, or a man; thanks for playing Gunther.

I’m a man that likes my space while in line. It’s all going to the same place, and me standing ass to crotch with you really isn’t going to make the service go any faster. However, what I’ve noticed out here is that the personal space I once enjoyed back home has disappeared quicker than Michael J. Fox’s vertical in Teen Wolf. I’m standing in line to get a late lunch, so there’s 3 people in front of me, and the place is wide open. So I appropriately walk up, and respect the guy in front of me, and give him about 2-3 feet of space. We stand for a minute or two, I order my sandwich, and two guys walk up behind me. No big deal right? You’re about as wrong as this lady. I think I could almost feel how many coins he had in his pocket when he stood behind me. I gave him the courtesy glance, signifying “Hey asshole, seriously?” I mean, come on, there’s practically no one in line, do you really need to get that close to me. As soon as I ordered I immediately removed myself from the line, and stood behind them. They shot me a few looks as if to say, “What are you doing?” As if I even needed to explain myself.

The next day I get in another line, in the same cafeteria in our building. I'm realizing that life is a serious of events, precluded by standing in a line of some sort. Again, not a lot of people are there. Another guy walks up, this time committing TWO serious faux-pas: he stands right behind me, leaving about 5-6 inches, AND he’s chatting on his cellular device at rather loud volumes. I was convinced he thought my ear was the actual microphone. If my ear could kick a man in the balls, it would’ve done it right then and there. Instead, I just decided to swallow my pride, and look like an idiot by standing in line with my finger in my ear. I was hoping he might get the hint . . . he didn’t. That sandwich was goddamn delicious though.

Song of the Week: “When I'm Small" by Charlie Everywhere

Quote of the Week: “Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” - Unknown

Random Fact of the Week: Mexico and Iceland have the highest per capita consumption of Coca-Cola.

Picture of the Week: 60% of the time it works every time.

Until next week, Warning: Guests with health restrictions and mothers to be may wish to bypass the ride,

Fred

August 22, 2008 THings I Ponder

2008-08-22T16:28:00.002-04:00

Things I question and ponder on a daily basis:

Do I REALLY need to wake up right now?
What am I doing with my life?
I wonder if people in the gym locker room think I’m gay when I put on boxers with red and pink hearts on them . . .
How are Asians really that bad at driving?
Where are Americans going to flee to when McCain becomes president?
I wonder what it would be like to cannonball into a pool of jello . . .
I wonder how yellow pee can get?
Who shot JR?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
How the hell did that get in there?
Are you kidding me?!
Why did George Jetson never smack Jane for talking all of his money every episode?
It’s 10pm, do I know where my kids are?
Why are farts so damn amusing?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Is there another word for synonym?
Did I really just say that?

Song of the Week: “Higher (Breathe)” by Move.meant

Quote of the Week: “Have you ever met a Trudy that wasn’t busted?” – Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: The "Spanish Flu" of 1918, which killed at least 50 million people world-wide, originated in Kansas, not Spain.

Picture of the Week: Not a good position to be in.

Until next week, pass the Dutchie on the left hand side,

Fred

August 8, 2008 S&D Night

2008-08-08T12:35:00.003-04:00

There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to test himself. There are always certain defining moments: the first time he fights another person, the first time he sleeps with a girl, the day he gets married. Those are all things that will be carried as memories for life.

And then there is Schlitz and Dog night. Nothing is like it, and nothing will ever be the same because of it. It is the ultimate test of intestinal fortitude. The body is sacrified for the fine ancient art of competition. When participating in an S&D night, all hopes of meeting a classy woman to bear the fruit of your loins are thrown out quicker than a plate of pork at Jewfest.

Let me give you a little background into S&D Night. It all started with three men. We’ll call them the B.A.R. men. There is a bar which we’ll call “Holy Land.” At Holy Land, the two cheapest items on the menu are consumed; Schlitz and Hot Dogs. Schlitz are $3.75, while dogs are $1. If men everywhere knew they could spend $1 on a hot dog at Holy Land, strip clubs would go out of business. B.A.R. men decided it’d be a good idea to host night where only two items are consumed; you guessed it. This was enjoyable. Then the B.A.R. men decided to take it to a whole new level. This is when I knew God really existed, and that he really did in fact love me.

Challenges were to be bestowed upon different challengers to eat a certain amount of “units.” A unit is either a 16oz. tall-boy can of Schlitz, or a taste-bud tickling hot dog. At an early feast, the high-water mark was set at 12 units by a man we’ll call Seamus. Crafted from the beard of Zeus himself, Seamus made it look easy. Competitors have been fooled by that number, but no one has come close . . . until last night.

It had the makings of another typical S&D night; everyone sitting around enjoying themselves, pacing, and Seamus staying quietly in striking distance. However, a dark horse appeared; we’ll refer to him as Rocky. We continued to drink and eat. The night went on. Unit totals were accumulating. Seamus slowly crept up to 10 units. So did Rocky. Another gladiator of the gullet, Anthony, was slowing down, but still within range at 10 as well. There was only 30 minutes left in the competition. And then we got news that rocked our world. Beer Wench: Sorry guys, you completely drank our entire stock of Schlitz. I could feel my heart turn black and a piece of my die inside as those words left her mouth. It was a valiant effort, but all seemed finished. All they had left were 16oz. tall-boys of Narragansett.

Nay said Rocky. NAY! Here comes 5th gear. 11 units down. 1 to go to tie. 12th open. It’s time to do work. Bring on the 'Gansett. Anthony has tapped out at 11. A worthy adversary indeed. It is the final showdown between Seamus and Rocky. Seamus completes #12, and stops. 15 minutes left, and Rocky chokes down unit 12. It’s coming down to the wire, and a small crowd has gathered. All eyes are on Rocky. People cheer, a rally clap is started. Women become hot and bothered. The beer wench brings one more beer for him. One more beer; unit #13, the record if he finishes. 15 minutes of pain and anguish; a lifetime supply of victory. The events that unfolded after will go down in bar lore as one of the single most impressive displays of discipline and determination. Half the beer is left. 3 minutes. Another kiss of hops. We’re about to witness greatness firsthand. People say they were at MLK’s “I have a dream” speech, people remember Neil Armstrong take his first step out onto the moon. I remember Rocky going for 13. 1 minute left, about 3 ounces left. He tried. He left it all out there, but just couldn’t get the last 3 ounces down. And then he tapped out. We all stood silent, trying to digest what we just witnessed. Rocky sat in quiet disbelief. He had come so far, came so close. He admitted failure. This was one fact we could all agree on: Although no records were broken that night, Rocky will always be a hero in our hearts.

Song of the Week: “Cortez the Killer” by Neil Young & Crazy Horse.

Quote of the Week: “Epic!” – Beer Wench at Holy Land after handing us our bill.

Random Fact of the Week: For the 9 people at our table, the numbers were as follows: Schlitz: 41, Dogs: 28, Narragensett: 8.

Picture of the Week: .

Until next week, we need a unit!

Fred

August 1, 2008: Public Transportation Etiquette

2008-08-01T13:35:00.008-04:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Public transportation etiquette – or should I say the lack of. On any given day in the past 7 years that I have had the pleasure of taking the wonderful public transit system that is the MBTA and I am still completely baffled by the things some people do. So I’ve decided to give you all my “Fab 4” of etiquette pet peeves when taking public transportation:

Bag Etiquette: Here’s the deal, your bag doesn’t deserve it’s own seat. Sure it’s had just as hard of a day as you have, but when a train is starting to fill up the seats are better served for other people. Additionally, when a train is crowded take your 38lb backpack off your shoulders and put it at your feet – it takes up shit-loads of space, and makes getting up and down the aisle comparable to the limbo dance.
Entering and Exiting: Listen up on this one, because it’s important. The majority of my time on the train is during rush hour – meaning, the trains are crowded and the platforms are even more crowded. Wait for people to get off the train before you get on. While I’m convinced that many train conductors are evil, they don’t typically get off on slamming the door on a group of people’s face. Actually, this needs to be explained in better detail:

When exiting (or, when other’s are exiting):

1. Clear the doorways

2. Wait until the train has stopped moving to move towards the door – the train is going to wait.

When entering (or, when other’s are entering):

1. Clear the doorways, see a pattern here?

2. Give people who are getting off room to get off. That means, don’t make a should-to-shoulder half circle around the door. Remember what I said earlier, the train is going to wait!

Seating – for the elderly, not you: This one is a no-brainer. You’re a strapping young buck (or fawn?) stand up and let the hump-backed, feeble old man/woman or the person-of-any-age-who-is-missing-one-leg-and-two-arms sit down. Also included in this category: blind people (optional: verbally instruct them or help them to a seat – if you’re on a date, it’s guaranteed ass).
Cell Phones: Now, we’ve got them for a reason – accessibility – and it’s a good reason. Many times it’s completely acceptable to pick up your cell phone when in a public place (ie, the train) but here’s the thing, that microphone in the phone can hear you – you don’t need to shout. Keep your conversations at a normal conversation level, as if the person you’re talking to is right next to you. Rule of Thumb: when I’m listening to my iPod on the other end of the train and I can hear you talking about how, “you really wanted to (like) have sex with that guy but (like) you were (like) on your period and (like) couldn’t, but didn’t (like) want to tell him because it may (like) be (like) awkward, and you really hoped that he would (like) understand and (like) call you back, but (like) only if it’s (like) three days later because anything less is (like waaaaay) too clingy, but at the same time anything (like) more means he probably doesn’t (like) like you” you’re probably talking all little too loud.

Song of the Week: “Many Shades of Black” by The Raconteurs

Quote of the Week: “Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?” – Steve Wright

Random Fact of the Week: Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin Look-alike contest.

Picture of the Week: How appropriate

Until next week, POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser. POW-right in the kisser.....

reid (ummm, i mean, fred)

July 25, 2008 The Dark Knight Statistics

2008-07-25T10:27:00.004-04:00

I’m sure everyone’s heard about the crazy record breaking figures that The Dark Knight pulled in the box offices during its opening weekend last weekend. Well, a few friends and I had a little too much free time on our hands and started crunching numbers (not employees). The Dark Knight grossed $158.4 million in its first weekend. On average, tickets cost $6.88 according to the national movie association (I don’t know where they got that damn number, we’re paying $10 a pop out here). So broken down, we’re talking 23 million people saw The Dark Knight in its opening weekend (and that’s only in America). But that’s not all; let take a deeper look into these numbers:

· If those 23 million people saw the movie back to back, and the movie is 159 minutes long, it would take 6,957 years and 278 days to finish.
· If you laid everyone who saw the movie down head to toe, it would stretch once around the equator.
· The number of people that saw it was greater than the population of 82% of all the European countries.
· Every person who saw the movie would have a copy of the Spice Girls’ “Spice” album (yep, we went there).
· The number of viewers would outrank all but one city in the entire world in terms of population (Tokyo).
· The number of people who saw it is the same as the entire population of the Ottoman Empire in 1875.
· With the amount of money it grossed, you could buy 8,336,842 Clappers.
· The average American produces 1,609 lbs of garbage per year, equating to .18lbs per hour. Each viewer would have produced roughly .5 lbs of trash during the movie. This means that 5,750 tons of trash were produced from the people watching this movie alone.

· There are an average of 80 people per square mile in the US. This means that we would need 287,500 square miles to fit everyone who saw the movie. This is 20,000 square miles more than the size of Texas.

Song of the Week: “To the Dogs or Whoever” by Josh Ritter.

Quote of the Week: “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” - Groucho Mark

Random Fact of the Week: The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

Picture of the Week: That might leave a mark.

Until next week, why so serious?

Fred (and associates)

July 18, 2008 Things That Make You Laugh

2008-07-18T10:01:00.004-04:00

Sometimes you may feel a little overwhelmed with work or life. Sometimes you’re not really in the mood to deal with anyone, and you just want to run around going dope slaps to random people. Maybe you just want to kick down the door in your office and start going postal on your coworkers with a SuperSoaker xp105. But there are a few things that no matter how aggravated you are, they will always make you laugh/relax:

10: MXC
9: Farts
8: Someone getting hit in the head with a ball
7: Demetri Martin
6: Witnessing someone completely biff on a bike
5: A good tune (refer to below)
4: Seeing someone spontaneously puke
3: Charlie
2: ANYTHING from The Sandlot
1: Watching a swift shot to the “manzone”

Song of the Week: “Mountain Man Boogie” by Scissorfight. This one’s for you guys (you know who you are)

Quote of the Week: “After all is said and done, more is said than done.” - Aesop

Random Fact of the Week: House flies have a lifespan of two weeks.

Picture of the Week: Poor kid doesn’t even know what’s comin at him.

Until next week, wetter is better!

Fred

June 13, 2008 The Man Test

2008-06-13T10:57:00.003-04:00

I’d like to think I’m a man. I like to rock climb, mountain climb, play/watch sports, and drink beer. I enjoy sitting around with other guys laughing about farts and stupid TV shows. Hell, I even enjoy relations with females. For us, some may say one becomes a man during his very first awkward intimate connection (pun?) with a female. But in every culture, the journey to becoming a man varies (make sure to read this link otherwise the rest of this article will be gibberish).

The beauty of this list is its diversity. It incorporates extreme sports and adrenaline rushes, like bungee jumping, physical aptitude tests (almost like playing sports in high school), crazy drug trips that would make Hunter S. Thompson look like Mother Theresa, and ones that are flat out disturbing . . . almost as bad as this. The only thing that they’re missing are eating contests. Forget the actual eating, nothing says Man having the tenacity to endure the pain of a 66 hot dog bowel movement . . . hope he got an epideral before skin met porcelain.

All I have to say is this: Mr. Tribal Shaman Chief, I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid.

Song of the Week: “The Food” by Common

Quote of the Week: “Never use while sleeping.” - Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Random Fact of the Week: The Hawaiian alphabet consists of only 12 letters.

Picture of the Week: Well played Mr. Churchill . . . well played.

Until next week, OOOHHH Mr. Adams!

Fred

June 6, 2008 The Throwback Edition

2008-06-06T10:27:00.003-04:00

Let’s get nostalgic. It’s always nice to think back and recognize some of the little things that were so instrumental in making us the people we are today. Let’s take a little trip back to elementary school.

It was definitely important to pack your GI Joe lunchbox full of nutritious (and delicious) snacks. I know you’d definitely want to throw some Hi-C Ecto cooler in there, maybe some Capri Sun (though you’d spend half of lunch trying to poke the straw through the damn hole, give up, and just jam it in the bottom), or you could mix it up with a Mondo twist top. You’d definitely need some fruit roll ups or fruit by the foot in there for a snack, along with the obligatory PB&J.

Dress was the most important part though. There’s no way you could leave school without your sweet white Reebok High-Top pumps. Or maybe you were one of the kids that sported LA Gear or British Knights. Ladies, pop on your Jelly Shoes. All you needed to complete the deal were the flashing lights on the bottoms of the shoes. It’s important to pop on your BUM Equipment shirt and Umbro shorts. Gotta wear your Jordache acid washed jeans too for those cooler days.

Then you’d come home from school and play around with your Skip-It and snap bracelets. Maybe it’d be raining, so playing outside wouldn’t work. Well, you could always just play a few games of hungry hungry hippos, or spend 3 hours building Mouse Trap, just to watch the ball drop for 5 seconds, and not even trap the stupid mouse. Just make sure not to get caught up in the Crossfire though. A few games of Sonic on SEGA were a safe bet while blasting Green Day’s “Dookie” album in the background, mixed with some Ace of Base.

And while you were inside, you might as well be watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air while you play, followed by some MacGyver. Weekends were the best though, with David the Gnome, Ghost Busters, Double Dare, Salute Your Shorts, and maybe a little SNICK. And if you had it, GUTS.

For some reason I thought you might enjoy being brought back to your childhood; I just felt like getting that off my chest, kinda like Punky Brewster, ZING!

Song of the Week: “I Wish” by Skee-Lo. In honor of today’s topic

Quote of the Week: “The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.” -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

Random Fact of the Week: The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Picture of the Week: Nope, you didn’t make it.

Until next week, Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story . . .

Fred

May 30, 2008 Grab Bag

2008-05-30T11:46:00.003-04:00

Oh, hello, come right in! Today’s one of those Fridays when I feel like people are willing to do about as much work as a sloth. Everyone I’ve talked to has been saying the same thing: “Fred, how’d you get so ridiculously good looking?” Lies, they actually just say they have zero motivation. Maybe it was Memorial Day and the long weekend last weekend; with all the nice weather it gave people a taste of summer, and now we want it in full bloom. Or maybe it’s in part due to the fact that a lot of people are hungover, I on the other hand, was very responsible last night and did not go out . . . ok, another lie; I panicked and thought I was in someone else’s apartment when I woke up on my couch at 4am.

Also, I’ve discovered the best energy drink out there. Forget Red Bull and Rock Star with their ridiculous prices just for a stupid drink, they can take them and (choose your own ending). Arizona Rx Energy. Stuff works like a damn charm; it’s a huge 23 oz. can for $.99. Bargain, just had to share it.

I’ve really had a craving for Ovaltine lately. What the hell am I doing with my life?

Song of the Week: “Wine Headed Woman” by Sonny Terry and Brownie McGhee

Quote of the Week: “Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: There are only four words in the common English language that end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

Picture of the Week: I would shit my leotard if i saw that.

Until next week, bring me back something French!

Fred

May 23, 2008 Tips

2008-05-23T11:18:00.002-04:00

Something I’ve noticed recently that put a small smirk on my face was the fact that Dunkin Donuts has signs taped to the registers of some stores that say, “Please, no tips.” Thank you! I’m sure these have been up for months now, which shows how rarely I actually go. Was I the only one that thought it was slightly unprofessional to have little tip cups in front of the registers? Dunkin Donuts is a legit business chain. I mean, I’d still just leave the change in there if it was less than $.25 (what, I need the quarters for laundry, don’t judge me.) I kind of felt obligated to tip. I didn’t want to find out the hard way how they get that extra zing in the cream filled donuts. But still, I don’t think moving two feet to the side and picking up a donut or a muffin really warrants a tip. Don’t be afraid to throw together a little chicken parm plate while you’re back there either, THEN you’ll see the tip come out.

If I get great service, sure, I’ll tip you. But when I tell you three different times that I want a breakfast sandwich with bacon, I’m not going to give you extra money, sorry. Maybe you should give me some money instead; I think that’s fair. Usually teachers get paid for giving lessons, and I’m sitting here giving you English lessons every time I order. I’ll just pass that off as some good Samaritan community service . . . or maybe I can write that off in my taxes somehow.

And what the hell’s the deal with Snuffleupagus?

Song of the Week: “Minerva” by Deftones

Quote of the Week: “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.” – Yogi Berra

Random Fact of the Week: Pluto receives as much solar energy in 25 years as the Earth does in 1 minute.

Picture of the Week: I think the caption says it all.

Until next week, can you scratch my nuts?

Fred

May 16, 2008 Random Things You Never Think About

2008-05-16T11:38:00.002-04:00

Ever stop and think about some of the everyday things we use and take for granted, and then think about who designs them?

A friend asked me last night: “Who do you think designs the $20 bills?” Well my friend, good question, let’s ruminate together. Who really does design some of these things? I mean, I’m sure a small group of federal employees get together and talk about what to do for it. But how do they really decide? Is there one guy that vehemently insists on using Arial font rather than Times New Roman, or is there a unanimous consensus that it’s the way to go. What about the picture? You don’t want good ol’ AJ lookin a little bloated . . . you need something dignified.

Let’s relate this to something. You think that guy (or girl) uses that to start conversations at bars? “What do you do?” “Oh, I club baby seals for their fur.” “Oh, well that’s very UNlady-like.” “I know, what do you do?” “Well, you know the $20 bill? Yeah, I MADE that.” Why is it that I always revert to random dialogues between people. I think making up conversations could be considered somewhat unstable . . . but then again depending on who you ask it can be perceived as creative or imaginative. Regardless, I don’t think that would ever get old. Anytime you meet someone new, one of the first questions they’ll always ask, is: What’s your name, what do you do, do you have any illegitimate kids, and were you a fan of the Jefferson’s movin on up to the east side.

It’s food for thought, so grab a buffet plate. This shit’s so phat, you might gain weight.

That really just happened.

Song of the Week: “Acid Raindrops” by People Under The Stairs. This is some excellent chill hip hop. You can't tell me you're not feeling better after listening to this tune.

Quote of the Week: “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Picture of the Week: Ahh shit.

Until next week, I WANNA TALK TO SAMPSON!

Fred

May 9, 2008 Baby Hucking

2008-05-09T09:47:00.002-04:00

Yet another installment of crazy videos. I’m sure some of you have seen this one before, but if you haven’t, then prepare to be amazed. It’s probably where Michael Jackson got his idea.

Whose bright idea was it to throw babies off a roof from 50 feet up? I have a hard time jumping into water from 50 feet up, but hucking a baby off a building onto a sheet . . . is probably the 2nd worst idea in the world. What’s #1?

There are so many questions to be answered. What if the cloth rips? What if the baby lands wrong and gets whiplash? Is there no such thing as shaken baby syndrome over there either? (Probably not, due to the lack of British Au Pairs). What if the Baby Hucker misses?! Do you think that guy gets ladies after the event is over? He’s basically like the baby hucking equivalent of a baseball pitcher, quarterback, emcee, or lead singer. I wonder if he goes on the road, or if he only hucks from that one roof. That’d be tough going to away games. The tower might be different, the pressure of opposing fans heckling you might get in his head. He might start over thinking each drop. I feel like there might be a couple miscues; I hope they have some baby cleanup crews handy.

And where do they take those babies? You see how fast they pick them up and just start passing them around person to person. It looks like a damn Baby Bazaar and any crazy person that wants a baby can just grab it and run. All I know is, I’m surprised there’s not more piss and crap all over the people below, because I sure as hell know I’d shit myself if some dude I didn’t know held me over the edge of a building and dropped me.

Song of the Week: “Dondante” by My Morning Jacket

Quote of the Week: “The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating." - Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course.

Random Fact of the Week: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Picture of the Week: I've been wanting to say that for years

Until next week, Schlitz and Hot Dog night, next Thursday, May 15th. Inquire within.

Fred

May 2, 2008 7 Year Old Drivers

2008-05-02T14:19:00.003-04:00

In case none of you have seen this, it was actually requested by a few people for a topic. This 7 year old kid decided to steal his grandma’s car because he got mad at her. Just watch the video and listen to his responses. Foreshadowing perhaps? Should we just lock him up now, or do we want to give him a slap on the wrist and take away his video games for the weekend. If I were a betting man, I’d think that we’re going to see this kid again. I think the cops should turn a blind eye to grandma and let her “do her thang.”

I have to be honest though, it was hard taking this kid seriously after the first shot of him waddling in a jolly manner across the parking lot. There’s a slightly warped perception of reality by that kid though, and someone needs to beat it back into place. I nominate grandma . . . or Chuck Norris.

Actually, where the hell’s Scruff McGruff when you need him?

Song of the Week: “Stars” by Hum. Classic.

Quote of the Week: “When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." - Frederick Ryder

Random Fact of the Week: Thrity-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Picture of the Week: Smart Man, I like his style.

Until next week, this. is. JEOPARDY!

Fred

April 25, 2008 Girls with Boyfriends

2008-04-25T10:59:00.003-04:00

I feel like this should be some sort of “ology” or sociology/psychology study: the immediate loss of interest of a male in a female when said female declares that she has a significant other.

Enjoy this video that was sent to me this morning: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812805
I pretty much agree with the guy’s reaction, though I’m nice enough to hang around and pretend to be interested in the conversation after you drop the bomb. Take note: I’m not interested (unless you speak Italian or rock climb AND snowboard/ski double blacks).

Song of the Week: “Rise Above” by Black Flag. It’s Friday . . . and it’s nice out. You know what this song makes you want to do . . . so go do it.

Quote of the Week: “Half of the people in the world are below average.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: The average CEO's salary in the US is 475 times greater than the average worker's salary.

Picture of the Week: So . . . ?

Until next week, these hips don’t lie,

Fred

April 18, 2008 Diversify Your Portfolio

2008-04-18T12:03:00.002-04:00

Growing up you hear about the need to “diversify your portfolio.” You hit the real world, you start making some “benjamins,” and the draw to invest becomes more important. And then they hit you with the phrase, “You gotta diversify your portfolio to minimize risk.”

Keeping this information in mind . . . why do we not diversify our portfolio of friends? Instead we clump our “investments” into generally homogenous stocks (read: friends). I know my portfolio is 97.5% white people. Of those, another 75% of them are Catholic. I’m branching out about as much as the KKK (*Disclaimer: I have never been affiliated with or support this group . . . though I think their robes are hilarious. If the 15th century had a white trash relative, they would be it.)

What happens if one day an epidemic breaks out that Caucasians are most susceptible to? You’d have no friends left if you survived (disregard the fact that you’d probably be more concerned about your own survival and aftermath than making new friends, but that logic is erroneous). That’s why it’s important to branch out a little, minimize the “friend-fallout” risk by investing in a few different races. Accidentally make a black guy joke? No worries, you’ve still got some whities and Asians to fall back on. Did you comment on how horribly terrible Crasians are at driving while driving home . . . with an Asian friend in the car? Don’t fret, you’ve still got some WASPs and brothers waiting for you back at home. Wanna crank “Gasolina” in your car while cruising around with your windows down in the summer? Can’t do it with a bunch of crackers in the car . . . time to invest in some Hispanic amigos!

Now if only I could find someone to do my damn lawn . . .

Song of the Week: “Black Thunder” by Doomrider. Horrible name for a song, and even worse name for a band . . . the song still rocks though. I guarantee you’ll tap your feet along with this hard-charging rock tune.

Quote of the Week: “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” - Douglas Adams
Random Fact of the Week: Coca-Cola translated to Chinese means, "To make mouth happy".

Picture of the Week: That’s a big hole . . . I wonder what other holes that big head has had to fit through . . .

Until next week, party on Wayne . . . party on Garth,

Fred

April 4, 2008 Excellent Time Killing Resource

2008-04-04T09:27:00.006-04:00

You can just hate me later . . .

Yesterday a coworker sent me a link to a website; the article she referenced was a Court TV April Fools joke, which was pretty funny. However, I further explored said website and discovered a schmorgusborg of “Top-10” articles on a ton of random topics. Instead of even trying to sum up these articles, I’ll just let you explore on your own, with or without a teenage Shoshone Indian girl as your guide.

The article I’ve linked to was my personal favorite. If you have time/audio at work, definitely check them out. It’s borderline awkward . . . probably best described as a train wreck in process. Horrible, gruesome, you know what the outcome will be, you’ll probably have to be a good Samaritan and help crying kids and injured passengers, but you need to keep watching, hoping a Jerry Springer veteran will pop out of the audience and take a few swings.

Hello, McFly . . . anybody home?!

Runners-Up: Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes, 5 Ways Hollywood Tricks You Into Seeing Bad Movies, The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats Ever

Song of the Week: “Collagen Rock” by McLusky

Quote of the Week: "Owning a dog in a city is like saying: My need for companionship outweighs my distaste for picking up shit." - Demitri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: Mosquito's are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.

Picture of the Week: Fail.

Until next week, Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby,

Fred

March 28, 2008 Gas Prices

2008-03-28T10:56:00.003-04:00

Uh oh . . . uh oh. I smell a rant coming on. Bring in the Febreeze.

I’m sure most of us are feeling the pinch of the ridiculous gas prices. I feel old when I say, “When I got my license, gas prices were under a dollar.” That was about eight years ago. In eight years it’s gone from about $.95/gallon to $3.20/gallon. This means in eight years, prices have risen roughly 337%. You know, in an era where consumers really do control the marketplace and have the power to dictate the way corporations can act, I’m surprised things have gone this far.

And what about these corporations, cough ExxonMobil cough. Usually these companies give some sort of incentive to customers to keep coming back, or even offer loyal customer appreciation gifts. I mean, they should at LEAST offer some Advil and Vaseline for every 10 gallons you spend with them, seeing how when you leave the gas pump it feels like you got tagged upside the head with a Louisville Slugger and got your backside violated. Bastards. Yearly sales for 2007 were over $400 billion, resulting in a $40 billion profit. Something doesn’t seem right. Sure, it’s basic economics, supply and demand. But I think we all have to face the fact that gas prices will continue to rise, and whether we like it or not, there will be a breaking point where prices become too expensive and we’ll either seek alternative methods of transportation, or we’ll just all Mad Max our way to gasoline and oil access. They’re predicting gas prices will reach $4/gallon this summer. Looks like I’ll be riding my bike to work.

Starting this weekend I’m beginning my own personal boycott of ExxonMobil. Do I think this will do anything to get them to drop prices? Hell no, I’m not stupid. But I’ll at least be saving money on all of the Advil and Vaseline I won’t have to buy, not to mention preserving the dignity of my ass.

Song of the Week: “Where I’m From” by Digable Planets

Quote of the Week: “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” – Samuel Goldwyn

Random Fact of the Week: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Picture of the Week: Sometimes you just have to face your fears

Until next week, shenanigans!

Fred

March 21, 2008 Inappropriate Fridays

2008-03-21T09:56:00.002-04:00

You’ve heard of Christmas, you’ve heard of Easter, and you’ve heard of Thanksgiving. All very important days. But let me crack an egg of knowledge on you; there’s a new sheriff in town, and its name is “Inappropriate Fridays.”

It all started back in the day when a young professional received a Hallmark e-card from one of his roommates. He then forwarded that card to some co-workers, finding out that the card is part of a series giving each day a theme. The original theme for Friday was found to be “I don’t care Fridays.” That quickly developed into “I don’t give a f*** Fridays.” But that wasn’t enough. There was an inherent need to expand and develop (Manifest Destiny), and immediately after a “your mom” joke was made, Inappropriate Fridays was born into lore.

Unlike Hanukkah, this is a non-denominational day for all to enjoy; the only requirement is that you give 110% every Friday. When you hear someone mention something that can be flipped, it’s your moral obligation to jump in with an inappropriate comment. When you walk out of the office today, ask yourself, “Did I give everything I had? Did I take advantage of every opportunity that was presented? Did I leave it all out on the field?” If the answer is No, just carry that burden for the weekend knowing, you’ve not only let me down, but you let your parents, your country, and Webster down. Like they say, it’s better to give than to receive.

Spread that shit, spread it like butter.

Song of the Week: “Act IV: You Don't Need A Witness” by The Sound of Animals Fighting

Quote of the Week: “Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you . . . very homosexually.” – Peter Griffin

Random Fact of the Week: In your lifetime, you'll shed over 40 pounds of skin.

Picture of the Week: I can only imagine that conversation. “So, uh, getting any bites today there champ?”
“Ehh, few nibbles here and there; though I can never fit them through the grate.”
“Bummer.”
“Yeah, bummer . . . I’m hungry.”

Until next week, if looks could kill you would be an Uzi,

Fred

March 14, 2008 Ridiculous News Stories

2008-03-14T11:13:00.002-04:00

I originally had another topic planned and ready to go for today, but the stars aligned this week and God/Allah/Buddha/whatever PC stuff you can get away with calling a religious deity slapped this one on me: “Woman sits on boyfriend’s toilet for two years.”

Two years?! Something like that just boggles my mind. I’ve had a better time understanding the intricacies of nuclear fission than I’ve had trying to comprehend how someone could sit on a toilet for two years. I mean, if I’m on it for more than 10 minutes my legs start to tingle.

Something else to consider: This couple had been dating for 16 years, two of those were spent with her on the toilet. Wouldn’t he want to jump in earlier noticing the lack of quality time spent together? What do they do for anniversaries? No more dinner and movie dates? Things to ponder. Oh, and on a small unimportant side note . . . there’s no more sex life! Two years of that? Does that not strike you as weird? Maybe a red flag pops up here and there? Nah dude, that’s normal. Seeing that they live in Kansas, I’m sure he found some alternatives. I heard his sister lived down the street. Maybe there was a farm nearby with some farm animals too. Maybe I’m just really optimistic for the guy.

There are just so many things with that story that could be commented on. What the hell do you do in a bathroom for two years? (Aside from the obvious). How do you bathe? (Yes she’s in a bathroom, but she can’t use the shower because she was actually STUCK to the toilet; her skin legitimately grew around the toilet seat). I apologize if your breakfast is now on your keyboard after that one.

This just goes to show that women really do spend more time in the bathroom than men.

Song of the Week: “Zeppelin” by The Jonbenet

Quote of the Week: “Not working is so much better than working.” – Brian. In the words of a friend, “Simple, yet profound.”

Random Fact of the Week: Sitting on a toilet for two years is not a good idea. Your legs will become atrophied and your skin will grow around the seat.

Picture of the Week: guys, take note

Until next week, CANNONBALL!

Fred

March 7, 2008 Hangovers

2008-03-07T11:17:00.003-05:00

We’ve all been there. Most of the time they’re awful, some of the time they’re actually pretty interesting. There are all sorts of hangovers. There’s the vegetable hangover, when you’re basically useless to the world and can only sit in one spot and recover. There’s the basic headache hangover, and there’s the “I feel like I’m on illegal drugs, but I’m not and it’s only alcohol so I don’t have a guilty conscience” hangover. This is the one I most commonly get. I might have to consider myself fortunate. I almost never get headaches; I just get some serious low blood pressure, so I feel like I’m kind of spacey and floating around all day. I don’t know if any of you have ever taken Percocet for anything, but it’s basically like that. Be jealous, it’s ok.

What interests me most about hangovers is our ability to quickly forget what they feel like. As a little kid, when you touch the hot stove, the next time you’re near it, you remember, “Oh hey, that hurt like a sonofabitch, I’m not going to touch that again.” But as adults, when we get hangovers, we always go back to them. It’s as if we are children again but with the memory of a goldfish. “Ow, damn that’s hot . . . let’s try again, shit! That was REALLY hot . . . but maybe . . . jesus, that’s hot. One more try . . . Damn! That stove is really hot! Nobody touch the stove, it’s really hot! But maybe if I try one more time . . .” Nope, we never learn. You think we’d catch on quicker or something.

The absolute best part is when we sit there and think/say, “I’m never drinking again.” We’ve all said it. We’ve all been there before. And did you drink again? Yes you did, and it was usually just a few days later. Then it happens again, and you swear someone broke into your room and went DeNiro all over your ass with a Louisville Slugger.

Though, if you play your cards right, hangovers can be the best thing in the world. Wake up, feeling hungover? Grab another beer. Pop a little whiskey in that coffee. Not only will you lose the hangover, you’ll catch yourself a hefty little buzz pretty quick. Cheap, easy, boom goes the dynamite. Call me on Sunday, I’ll let you know what stage I’m at.

Song of the Week: “False Idols Fall” by Comeback Kid.

Quote of the Week: Please refer to the picture.

Random Fact of the Week: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Picture of the Week: Are you kidding me? THAT was what tipped you off?!

Until next week, what’s the worst that could happen,

Fred

February 29, 2008 Post-Vacation Depression

2008-02-29T11:59:00.003-05:00

This past vacation has probably been the best and worst thing to happen to me in a very long time. For references as to why it was the best thing, please refer to the previous February 22nd post. Why it’s the worst thing? Post-vacation depression.

It’s almost like just getting out of a serious relationship. There are some incredible times (skiing 11,000 foot mountains, carving down slopes with 70 degree pitches, boarding off of houses, knee deep powder, 10 kilometer trails) and some really bad times (countless hangovers, boarding on 2 hours of sleep max . . . mixed with numerous hangovers, getting hit on at a bar buy a gay European (I wasn’t the only one it happened to though)). The only thing I can think about now is: when will it all happen again? I spent an hour yesterday looking at pictures on the website from our trip, which is very bittersweet. It brings back the great memories, but makes it harder to move on from.

And then there’s the work aspect. Motivation has been at a minimum. Production has been even lower. Unless you’ve actually experienced one recently (relationship or vacation), it’s impossible to describe to others your feelings about the “insanely insane” experience you’ve had. They have so many drugs out there for crazy made-up diseases and problems, you think maybe they’d have something for this. “Do you commonly space out and day-dream through hour-long meetings thinking about how insane your recent vacation was? Do you find yourself spending lunch breaks looking at flights to far-away mountains and travel spots? Take our new pill RealitiChek to help ease your transition back to the real world.” Next stop: Big Sky, Montana . . . and a serious does of Reality Shock.

Song of the Week: “Transatlanticism” by Death Cab for Cutie. I enjoyed the tune for what it was worth, until I actually listened to the lyrics this morning, and made it all the more applicable for this post.

Quote of the Week: “I feel like Beetle Bailey after the Sarge gets through with him.” – A guy from the trip commenting on a mix of hangover, lack of sleep, jet-lag, and alcohol withdrawal.

Random Fact of the Week: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Picture of the Week: OH NO!

Until next week, if you don’t live for something you’ll die for nothing,

Fred

February 22, 2008 The Austrian Adventure

2008-02-28T09:14:00.007-05:00

So instead of bragging about the incredible trip I just had in letter format, I thought I'd share just a few pictures of my adventure.

(Note: This is not a post-card or professional photo. This was the view from where I sat at lunch)

February 15, 2008 TURN OFF THE CAPSLOCK

2008-02-15T19:23:00.002-05:00

Let’s discuss the art of capitalizing letters in the form of written/typed communication to express excitement or anger. We’d all have to admit it really does the trick. Nothing expresses excitement like a capitalized “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” Or some serious frustration like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE F***** KIDDING ME.” In a fairly expressionless medium that is email and online chatting, sometimes it’s difficult to express intense emotions.

Sometimes you might hit the capslock button by accident when talking to someone; it can completely change the tone, making you look like an idiot. Even subconsciously now, we read it in our minds as if the person is yelling. It brings a whole new meaning to the term getting capped. “Dude, I got so angry I totally cappsed her when I told her how disappointed I was that she didn’t cook my steak right.” You’d have to be careful who you said that around, I’m sure cops or feminazis wouldn’t be too fond of “capping” someone. Especially via text messaging. There are some things you just don’t do. You don’t cross the streams, you don’t covet thy neighbor’s wife, and you don’t have arguments (with caps) via text messaging.

Let’s not even start with people who use more than three exclamation points after a statement to express how excited they are. As if each exclamation point better exemplifies their excitement. I’d be excited in saying, don’t do it. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!

Song of the Week: “Blizzard” by Nicolay & Kay

Quote of the Week: “If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.” – Ogden Nash

Random Fact of the Week: Google's name is a play on the word googol, which refers to the number 1 followed by one hundred zeroes.

Picture of the Week: Probably a sound fiscal decision.

Until next week, laces out, Dan,

Fred

February 8, 2008 Chain Mail

2008-02-08T09:23:00.000-05:00

We’ve all received them, and we’ve all ignored them before (I hope). These pesky little emails that tend to tell sob stories, or contain love advice. Sometimes they tell a story; sometimes it’s more of a personal experience (good or bad) that people feel they should pass on to others. Some are just outrageous. Rare ones do contain some sort of PSA that may be useful down the road; I’ll read the occasional chain letter (only from the madre though).

I love how at the end of them, they tell you to pass them on to a certain number of people. It’s like they need to give you some lame incentive to get you to pass their crap on around the web-connected world. For each number bracket increment that you send it to, the better your luck will turn out. “If you send this to 50 people, you’ll find the love of your life in 2 weeks!” Listen, I’ve already found the love of my life, she’s on TV, so I don’t need any help finding out who it is. Does she know who I am? Hell no she doesn’t, but that’s ok with me. “If you don’t forward this to at least 20 people, you’ll have bad luck for the next seven years!” Oh shit, better find 20 people I really don’t like and clutter their email box with junk mail. All my friends are Irish anyways (with the occasional spattering of an Ital here and there), I’ve got luck out the ass, I’ll take my chances buster.

Here’s an ending I’d love to see one of these days:

“Send this to 1-5 people, and you’ll get a dope slap. Send this to 6-10 people, and you’ll get a kick in the stomach. Send this to 10-20 people, someone will knife your tires. Send this to more than 20 people, and someone will pour gasoline on you and smoke a cigarette while standing next to you.” I’d hate to be the guy that forgets to read the instructions at the end.

Song of the Week: “Can I Kick It?” by A Tribe Called Quest

Quote of the Week: “Size does matter.” - The “Breaking News” headline that CNN used yesterday while covering Mitt Romney’s announcement that he was suspending his campaign. They basically took a comment he made about McCain’s number of delegates completely out of context, and chose to summarize it with that line. There’s no way they didn’t know what they were doing when they wrote that.

Random Fact of the Week: Nearly 91% of all senior citizens rely on prescription drugs on a regular basis.

Picture of the Week: why? . . . WHY?!

Until next week, you’ve gotta fight for your right to party,

Fred

February 1, 2008 Dope Slaps

2008-02-01T11:34:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you want to give them, sometimes you get them. It’s the way the world works. If there’s one thing this world is lacking, it’s not food, it’s not money, it’s not Hello Kitty backpacks . . . it’s dope slaps. For those not familiar with what a “dope slap” is, I’ll lay it out for you in laymen’s terms. It is when you hit/are hit in the back of the head, in such a manner that the deliverer of the hit does so not hard enough to cause permanent physical or mental damage. Usually it is done with an open hand to the back of the head; when done right, it will cause the recipient a bout of shock, not due to the actual hit, but due to the loud noise and slight ringing of the ears it causes. The object is not to cause retardation, but to quell it.

Something I’ve noticed is a lack of these slaps in the world. Too many PC moms running around spouting off their ideals. But let’s all be honest here; sometimes people need a good slap to straighten them out. We all know someone that could’ve used one recently. There comes a time when words don’t solve problems . . . slaps do. Instead of war, we should just have slap fights. Just line up 10,000 volunteer “soldiers” on each side, and have them slap the shit out of each other. It can be a last man standing type of deal. Rules are, if you bleed, or cry, you’re automatically out. No closed fists though! I'd pay to see that, might be a good revenue generator for countries. Now everyone will be declaring war on each other. South Africa vs. Iceland. Imagine how dejected you’d be going home to your family, girlfriend, wife, friends, and having to tell them that you lost in the America vs. Uraguay Slap War . . . because you cried. I’ll bring over the divorce papers right away. I could support something like that. Thank YOU sir, may I have another.

Moral of the story: Respect your elders.

Song of the Week: “I’m So Glad I’m Living” by James Cotton

Quote of the Week: “Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” - David Moulton

Random Fact of the Week: Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Picture of the Week: If this bull was a dinosaur, it’d be named Tear-anus-aurus Rex.

Until next week, the cream always rises to the top,

Fred

January 25, 2008 Male Rituals

2008-01-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

This is influenced by an article that was forwarded on to me by a West Coast friend. Much has been debated about the enigma that is the male interaction. Some call it bromance; others call it gay. Over the past five months, and during college, I have lived in close contact with members of the male species, observing their actions, mating calls, feeding habits. One very interesting topic that this article has pointed out is the male greeting habits.

After many years as a scientist studying out in the field, I have observed certain trends and patterns to their behavior. We will start with the initial “morning” greetings. It is commonplace for the males to simply grunt to each other while walking past each other, usually during their daily trips to their preferred bathing holes. Somewhat slow moving, even lethargic, are these males. Outsiders witnessing these interactions for the first time might even believe these males, all members of the same herd, were complete strangers. It is not usually until later in the morning after they feed and consume a liquid stimulant found in local beans that they seem to be responsive to each other. Occasionally groups will sit, transfixed on viewing the entertainment of other males like themselves compete against each other for the ultimate prize: pride. After this, the males usually go off on their own within a reasonable distance of their dwelling to perform tasks in order to be able to eat at night, and the next morning.

After long days of performing in order to gain nourishment, these males reconvene to describe their experiences out in the wild. Some days are better than others, and some days require the consumption of more liquid substances, these ones sometimes bringing out different moods and personalities of these males, but most commonly just making them docile and complacent. However, aside from their morning greeting rituals, their pre-hibernation commencements are equally as interesting. Sometimes they will wander off without acknowledging others, other times, long elaborate rites are performed.

I’ve decided to apply these practices in my own life, living amongst other males, such as myself. Sometimes a simple, “mornin’” or “what’s up” will do the trick. Maybe I like to mix it up with a “g’mornin’ sunshine.” It sets a nice tone for the day. At night, we’ve been experimenting with some new procedures. “Goodnight fuckface” has been used, however didn’t quite seem to catch. Last night, hugs and “I love you’s” were tossed around. Maybe we’ll move onto ass-slaps and a “Goodnight Champ!” next. Maybe.

Song of the Week: “Spottiottiedopaliscious” by Outkast. Smoothest trumpet sample ever.

Quote of the Week: “Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: Abraham Lincoln faces to the right on a penny while all the other presidents face to the left on US coins.

Picture of the Week: Screw Mr. Potatohead, I want a Mr. Giggles!

Until next week, knowing’s half the battle,

Fred

January 18, 2008 Forbidden Words

2008-01-18T08:50:00.001-05:00

There are certain words that irk people and make them cringe. I’m not really sure why these words do this to people, but once you find that word for someone, take note. A common word I’ve heard a lot lately that seems to stir up some reactions is the word ‘moist’. For some reason a lot of people just can’t stand this word. “I decided to bake last night and made a nice moist chocolate cake.” Eww you say? Nay! The only problem is that there are no good synonyms to use in that sentence. I made a damp cake? Nah. I made a soggy cake. Sounds like heaven to me, next. I made a wet cake. Just gets worse and worse. Looks like we’re stuck with moist on this one.

What about the word ‘panties’? Seems like a lot of girls have a problem with this word. But again, better alternatives? Undies? Underwear? Undergarment? I don’t know, you tell me, these words aren’t part of my regular vocabulary. Girls should all just buy thongs. Makes it easier for everyone, guys will enjoy it, and girls won’t have to hear that gross word ‘panties’ anymore. Win win.

I’ll let you in on a little secret though. If you want to see me cringe or throw up a little in my mouth, there are a few words that really get me. Fantabulous. Give me a break. Ridonculous. Poke me in the eye with a banana. Or just abbreviations in general. Those are bad news. Anytime I hear something like that, I quickly think of three different ways to turn the person mute, one of which definitely does not involve a rooster, scotch tape, and a teddy ruxpin bear. Yeah . . . really don’t like abbreviations.

Song of the Week: “Have Your Way” by Lightnin’ Slim

Quote of the Week: “Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.” - Jarger

Random Fact of the Week: Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale.

Picture of the Week: Crasians.

Until next week, choosy moms choose Jif,

Fred

January 11, 2008 Cop-Out

2008-01-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

So this week was a pretty hectic one; woke up this morning slightly hungover, mostly just tired. I usually come up with some sort of idea in the shower, but all I did in it this morning was stare at my feet, laugh at the random thunder, and hum “Peanut Butter and Jelly” to myself (you know, the one from Sesame Street). So all I’m giving you today is a video; however, it’s not just any video, this is a special video. Some of you may have seen it already, but it’s seriously the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s very work appropriate, so watch it. Be that cool kid at work that sends out the video. The girls in the office will be throwing panties (foreshadowing for next week) your way and the guys will probably offer to dig you out anytime a snowstorm comes. I guess by the rule of inference Modus Ponens it makes my old man the cool kid in the office. If you send out this video, you are cool. Pops sent out the video. Therefore, Pops is cool. I was jonesing for some logical reasoning today. Enjoy the video.

Wingsuit Basejumping

Song of the Week: “Journey to Anywhere” by Ugly Duckling

Quote of the Week: “The higher you are on the flagpole, the more your butt shows” - Roger Clemens, in regard to receiving criticism

Random Fact of the Week: There’s a superman somewhere in every episode of Seinfeld.

Picture of the Week: I love entertaining and enjoying views, I really do!

Until next week, on the journey to anywhere, you can draw your own map,

Fred

January 4, 2008 Phrases That Have Forever Been Tainted

2008-01-04T11:59:00.000-05:00

There are certain phrases that are used in everyday language that have become tools for marketing or have been used by celebrities. There are also a small percentage of these phrases that actually catch on, and completely change the way you think about that word. Take “That was easy” for example. This innocent phrase has now infected millions like the bubonic plague from days of yore. It is almost impossible to say that phrase now without someone gleefully adding their two cents with “EASY BUTTON! Haha I’m so clever!” Goddamn Staples, ruining the fun for everyone. I gotta give them credit though, it’s probably one of the most successful branding campaigns ever.

And what about “It’s getting hot in here.” I know what you just thought, you can’t deny it. That song has forever morally corrupted so many individuals. That presents for an awkward setting when people at work say it during meetings. There’s one conference room that’s notorious for heating up quickly, and inevitably someone has to say it, “It’s getting hot in here,” and I look around the room and can count the number of people that are thinking, “So take off all your clothes.” Well so much for that one. I think I’ll just switch to, “It’s uncomfortably warm in here.” Maybe that one will elicit some different responses.

Song of the Week: “Little Wing” by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Just makes me want a nice glass of whiskey and a comfortable chair.

Quote of the Week: “How much money do you have in your wallet?” – Bar Manager in DC
“I don’t know, like $90.” – Me
“Great, we’ll take that.” – Bar Manager. Long story.

Random Fact of the Week: Shanghai, China boasts 4,000 skyscrapers - double the number in New York City.

Picture of the Week: Dear Polar Bear: You just got Global Warmed.

Until next week, but what about me and my blue collars?

Fred

December 28, 2007 Bad Wedding Announcement Names

2007-12-28T11:18:00.001-05:00

As I came into work this morning, I was still strapped for a topic to write about. And then this fell on my head while talking to a few co-workers. Apparently this is something that Jay Leno does on his show, but I have never watched his show, so I was completely unaware and entirely intrigued. I decided to go on a mission to find some of these; I thought it would be a fun way to enjoy a Friday without using our brains (this also being the last Friday of 2007) Enjoy, the wonderful world of wedding announcement names gone hysterically wrong.

Song of the Week: “Nan You’re a Window Shopper” by Lily Allen. The guiltiest of pleasures. There’s something about a Bri-ish girl with a dirty sailor accent singing reggae that gets me jazzed.

Quote of the Week: “ Hermits have no peer pressure.” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: The U.S. ranks 29th in overall life expectancy, which is 78 years.

Picture of the Week: All of the above

Until next week, Yo Adrienne!

Fred

December 21, 2007 Infomercials

2007-12-21T10:44:00.000-05:00

Recent conversations have made me feel obligated to write about this common marketing technique: Infomercials ALWAYS make everyday tasks seems so difficult. Even the simplest tasks all of a sudden become the most time-intensive and frustrating events. “Having trouble brushing those teeth?! Our Brushomatic 2000 can save you time and energy by helping you get all of those hard to reach teeth!” And I know you can picture it. Sonny Simpleton sitting in the bathroom trying to brush his teeth and just looking like an epileptic dancing at a rave party, knocking teeth out and tearing up his gums. I think if our ancestors survived without some of this crap, I think we should be fine. I really enjoy watching the people in these infomercials too; they get so frustrated so easily. After about one or two failed attempts to cut a carrot with a “regular old dull” knife, they get pissed and throw stuff down in a fit of frustration. I just laugh. It’s like going to a cheesy horror movie. “Nope, don’t do that, you don’t want to do that! Don’t cut right . . . ooohhh, damn, totally missed the tomato.” Yep, you got served . . . you got served REAL good.

And then after they make it sound so easy to use, they make it sound even EASIER to pay for it! AWESOME! They’re so considerate. “For just 4 easy payments of your first-born, you can have this in the luxury of your own home.” They always have to put the word “easy” in there. Without that word, it just wouldn’t be the same. As if ordering this product would be any different than buying an appliance at some store. And they always make sure to throw in more and more free crap. “For a limited time, when you buy one, we’ll throw in a second one for free! Not because we care about our customers and want you to enjoy this ground-breaking product, but because the lease on our warehouse is up and we can get rid of this shit fast enough!”

Song of the Week: “The First Baptist Church of Jacksonville” by Evergreen Terrace

Quote of the Week: “Experience is something you get after you need it.” - unknown

Random Fact of the Week: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Picture of the Week: Way to make an example of the guy (hint: look at what he’s wanted for).

Until next week, this is it . . . don’t get scared now.

Fred

December 14, 2007 Prescription Drugs

2007-12-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

I’m sure a lot of you have seen some form of prescription drug advertisement within the past month. What I’m also guessing is that you’ve probably noticed how absurd they are. Most have side-effects far worse than the actual ailment. I can just imagine the conversation now:
“Hey doc, I’m having trouble sleeping because my leg keeps moving while I’m in bed.”
“Well, that sounds to me like you have RLS.”
“Oh shit, that sounds pretty bad, what is it?!”
“Restless Leg Syndrome. I have a new drug that can help that though.”
“Ok, what are the side effects?”
“Well, common side effects include headaches, nausea . . . hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.”

Umm, let’s rewind that for a second. “Hmm, what else . . . oh yeah, increased sexual urges and random urges to gamble.” When the hell did prescription drugs start making people have crazy impulses to gamble? Does that sound crazy to anyone else aside from me? That’s not a prescription drug, that’s some sort of Las Vegas Tourism Board wonderdrug. They should start handing that stuff out like it’s Halloween candy. But that’s only the beginning, and those are only the FUNNY side effects. What about these other drugs that cure migraines and other REAL problems? Side effects including, again, nausea, fatigue, sometimes depression. But then it gets good. Uncontrollable bowel movements. OOOHHH, sign me up for that! Even though migraines affect my ability to function within society, nothing puts me back on track like wearing Depends to work every day! And they always feel the need to make these “problems” into acronyms just to make them sound scarier. “You have Erectile Dysfunction” doesn’t have the same effect as “You have ED.” Or Restless Leg Syndrome. I’d laugh at that. But if I heard I had RLS, I’d donate half of my paycheck to the first society/association I could find that does research to cure it.

I’m not even going to touch erectile dysfunction, it’s just too easy. “Call your physician if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” Sonofabitch! I wanted to be able to perform for 15 minutes, but now I’m stuck with the Washington Monument in my pants since 6pm yesterday . . . I don’t think the people at work would appreciate that very much. And god forbid any mall Santa ever take Viagra or Cialis. A lot of boys and girls would surely get a surprise that Christmas.

Song of the Week: “Given Flight by Demon’s Wings” by Shai Hulud

Quote of the Week: “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” - Dr. Leo Troy

Random Fact of the Week: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

Picture of the Week: Inappropriate

Until next week, Boom goes the dynamite.

Fred

December 7, 2007 Privacy

2007-12-07T13:29:00.001-05:00

Let’s talk about privacy. Two questions: Is there such a thing anymore? And should anyone really care?

There has been a lot of talk about the whole Facebook Beacon program, which basically advertises, on Facebook, your purchases through affiliate sites. There has been a HUGE movement against this in the past month. The problem is, it wasn’t an “opt-in” program. You would automatically be signed up for it regardless of your knowledge of it happening. It got me thinking: In an age of the internet and all of this technology, is there really such thing as privacy anymore. I find it interesting that most people don’t realize what gets tracked in regards to your internet usage . . . which is basically everything. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh crap, I’ve been to quite a few questionable sites recently, some of which may or may not have involved midgets and squirt guns.” Every single search query you enter into Google, Yahoo, or any other search engine gets logged. Every single site you visit gets tracked. Even when companies say they don’t store your internet behavior, they lie. Technically they don’t “store” it, but they do gather it and sell it off to other companies so that these companies can deliver you more targeted and personalized ads. It gets tracked all the way down to your IP address. But don’t worry, this is the one time it’s nice to be viewed as a number, not a name.

Now I could go on about the internet all day. But what about phone calls and video cameras? To tell you the truth, it doesn’t bother me. You think the government really wants to monitor you talking about the new shoes you bought on clearance at Aldo’s? I’ll give you the answer, only to the old JELL-O jingle of our youth: “H-E-L-L-NO.” And what about video monitoring? I don’t really think the “monitoring police” would huddle around a video camera watching me deliver my exquisite rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in the shower. Do you really think they’d monitor every single house? Again, think JELL-O theme. Only people with suspicious behavior would be monitored. And plus, it would cost WAY too much money.

To break it down: Do I have a problem with a program using my internet behavior to advertise what I buy to others without my knowledge and/or consent. Yep; I’ll advertise what I want, thankyouverymuch. Do I have a problem with my internet behavior being tracked in general. Or even conversations being taped? Nope. I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide, and frankly, I think the “monitoring police” have much better things to do than to watch me scratch my ass on the couch. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.

Song of the Week: “Summer Song” by Eyes Like Knives

Quote of the Week: “One day as I came home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ - Rodney Dangerfield.

Random Fact of the Week: Flea's can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6ft. person jumping 780 ft. into the air

Picture of the Week: There must be a perfectly good explanation for this.

Until next week, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.

Fred

November 30, 2007 Sometimes The World Doesn't Make Sense

2007-11-30T13:39:00.000-05:00

I had to make people aware of this article. It’s about a school teacher in Sudan that “incited religious hatred” by letting her class name a teddy bear Mohammed. When I first read the title, I thought that she maybe had incited hatred towards Christianity maybe, or something of the sort. But no. In an obvious misunderstanding, she was accused of causing hatred against the Muslim faith, and then sentenced to 15 days in prison for it. And not just some regular prison, I’m talking about a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. There’s just something about extreme fundamentalist religion in general, and governments mixed up in religion that scares me a little bit. Just a little bit.

This woman could’ve stayed home and taught little English chaps like Oliver and Reginald in a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Instead she volunteered to move to an impoverished nation and help teach the children that will be the future of that country. Though I’m willing to bet she’s found a lot more little Olivers asking, “Please sir, can I have some more.” What does she get? A nice little handbook titled “Don’t Drop the Soap.” I’m hoping the government of Sudan realizes the type of message they’re sending to the rest of the world and aid-workers devoted to helping them. “Walk on egg shells people. There is no room for cultural misunderstandings in our neck of the woods.”
As-Salamu Alaykum. Praise be to Allah.

Song of the Week: “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” by Nirvana

Quote of the Week: “It’s a hitter’s game.’” – Richard A. Melino. The quintessential phrase of our time.

Random Fact of the Week: The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Picture of the Week: Nothing good can come from this . . . nothing.

Until next week, Do you have it? . . . GUTS!

Fred

November 23, 2007 Holiday Traveling

2007-11-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is traditionally a time of heavy traveling. And of course during a time when many people cram into small areas, tempers flare and incompetence (read: mild retardation) spills out onto everyone exposed to it.

During my recent travels, I was lucky enough to have minimal exposure to such unsettling and frustrating practices, but I'm sure the same can't be said for most people. I've never really understood what is so difficult about traveling: You make sure to show up early, check in (check any bags if you have any), grab the ticket, do the security dance, and then go sit and wait for the plane. Once boarding occurs, find the row that matches the number on your ticket (unless you fly southwest, but I'm not even going to get into their archaic boarding procedures) and then have yourself a seat. For some reason people find it necessary to make each of these steps a little bit more complicated and time consuming than it needs to be.

Let's take a look at security. Obviously security measures have changed significantly since 9/11, but I feel some are a tad overboard. Taking out all liquids? Questionable. They swiped my water and threw it out without even asking me. That was BS considering I paid $2.49 for it and only drank half of it. And making you put all liquids into a plastic baggy. I definitely feel safer knowing that when that liquid compound bomb blows up there's a Ziploc bag covering it to contain the explosion. It's just another completely unnecessary step that creates problems and inefficiencies in an already inefficient process. Who's to say that person isn't going to go take it out of the Ziploc bag as soon as they sit down? What a waste of time . . . and plastic, which creates trash. I'm telling the environmentalists and Green Party on you.

We've all experienced the boarding problems. For some reason, people find it more difficult than calculus to try and find their row. Usually when I do it, I just match the row number on my ticket to the number above the row on the plane. I don't know, maybe that's just me. The best is when you tell someone they're sitting in your seat, they argue with you, they find out that they are in fact sitting in the wrong seat, and then act like you're the a-hole that's causing the inconvenience. Maybe a little dope-slap will knock some sense into them. And never mind the idiots that can't find the right row, what about the chumps milling about in the isles oblivious to the fact that 50 people behind them are waiting for him/her to take a seat. Sometimes I just really wonder what's going on in peoples heads. But I'm sure if I found out, I'd be really, really disappointed.

Song of the Week: "Flutter" by Bonobo. An excellent tune to climb to.

Quote of the Week: "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Irish Proverb

Random Fact of the Week: The name for Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Picture of the Week: One of these objects is not like the others.

Until next week, it's a hitter's game.

Fred

November 16, 2007 Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings

2007-11-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how we’re being force-fed holiday cheer already, I thought I’d bring up an issue that is about as disturbing as Boy George: PC Holiday BS.

I recently heard on the radio that a radio station was having a contest to see how many absurdly ridiculous PC holiday items callers could find. One of the calls mentioned that a Home Depot in the area now had “Holiday Trees.” Wait a minute, a Holiday Tree? What the hell is a Holiday Tree? I know every year my family and I put up a CHRISTMAS Tree, but I’ve never heard of a Holiday Tree before. Oh wait, it’s yet another attempt to make the holidays completely non-denominational and all-inclusive, void of any character and tradition. Well I’m sorry PC Activists out there, I’m going to take my Christmas Tree with me to Sensibleland. C’mon people, give me a break. Can’t call them Christmas Trees anymore? The tree is an actual part of the particular tradition for a religion’s specific holiday. I think it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I can swallow not saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone you see (especially in the part of the city I live in, I think my apartment makes up 20-30% of the Catholic population in our area). But for me to go to a farm or lot and ask for a Holiday Tree? Sorry, not happening; I’m sticking to my guns on this one. What about Christmas Carols? You want to take that away too? Call them Holiday Carols? That’s next on the list to go. All these PCers out there have their asses puckered tighter than a damn snare drum. Thanks for stripping away centuries of tradition, especially in a country that promotes diversity and rests its hat on being the “melting-pot” of the world.

And just wait another 20-30 years, even song lyrics will be censored. Al Sharpton will get in on the deal and force “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” to be changed to “I’m Dreaming of a Snowy Christmas.”

Song of the Week: “Black Mission Goggles” by Man Man. Appropriately described to me as sounding like a crazy Jewish circus . . . on acid.

Quote of the Week: “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’” - Steven Wright

Random Fact of the Week: It snows more in the Grand Canyon than it does in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Picture of the Week: I feel like your target audience may miss the message.

Until next week, Ma . . . the meatloaf! FUCK!

Fred

November 9, 2007 Growing Up . . .

2007-11-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

Here’s something we can all relate to. As kids we all have those moments of embarrassment or being ashamed, like pissing the bed (which may have occurred more recently for some people, due to either excessive drinking or excessive laughter) or letting out what you were expecting to be a silent one in class, only for it to blast a hole through your pants and reverberate off of the wood seats. But there are also times of embarrassment for other reasons, like when your parents get upset with you.

I’m willing to guess that 99 out of 100 kids would much rather get tossed around the room by a parent than have them say those dreaded words: “I’m very disappointed in you.” Oh God that hurts. You can hear the record scratch. It’s like you almost want to volunteer yourself for a beating rather than hear those words. There’s nothing you can do but walk around like a wounded animal for the next week hoping that something comes along even worse that will distract your parents for a little bit. But even if something does come along, no matter what you do, your parents can always shoot you back down with one simple move: the silent stare complimented with a slow shaking of the head.
Goddamn they’re good.

Song of the Week: “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck

Quote of the Week: “It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.” - John Andrew Holmes

Random Fact of the Week: There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Picture of the Week: A picture a co-worker sent to me. I don’t like cats, but the caption is what makes it.

Until next week, whatchou talkin’ bout Willis?

Fred

November, 2 2007 Morning Thoughts

2007-11-02T11:52:00.001-04:00

Something occurred to me in the shower this morning . . . Pantene Pro-V really does add volume and shine. The OTHER thing that occurred to me was this: does anyone really pay attention to or notice their first thought they have in the morning when they wake up? I know I usually don’t. It’s something that I’ve noticed lately, as philosophical as this sounds, it really does set the tone for the rest of the day. Obviously certain days yield common reactions: “Goddamn Mondays, let’s hit the snooze button and maybe the weekend will come back.” Or maybe the alarm goes off: “Sonofabitch, me and Papa Smurf were about to finally stick it to Gargamel.” Sometimes I get the occasional “Dammit, how many times are they going to play Hall and Oates’s ‘Maneater’ in the morning?! Now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day.” For some odd reason, those are usually the best days I have . . . weird. Thanks Hall, thanks Oates.

Does anyone ever wake up and say, “I’m gonna have myself a great day today.” I’m not going to pretend like I do, but I think it’d be interesting to see what that does.

Song of the Week: “Lady at the Gate” by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. Music the band says will “melt your face off”

Quote of the Week: “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” - Aesop

Random Fact of the Week: A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

Picture of the Week: Something about this seems degrading

Until next week, oh here she comes, watch out boy, she’ll chew you up,

Fred

October 26, 2007 Bad-Weather Friends

2007-10-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

In a recent workplace discussion, something came to my attention. We all know the term “fair-weather,” usually in relation to sports fans, or even friends. Sometimes too much emphasis is placed on fair-weather friends, while it is not often pointed out that some friends are “bad-weather” friends. We all know someone like this; they come around only to complain about how bad their life is. It’s completely normal to want to vent every once in awhile, and I support that for sanity’s sake. We certainly don’t want any Miltons wandering around cracking and setting buildings on fire. But sometimes it’s taken completely advantage of. Hey knucklehead, your life isn’t that bad. Were you shot at today when you were at a local market buying your mom some bread? Nope. Did an earthquake completely destroy your home and everyone around yours? Negative. Did you get to drink water that wasn’t 50% fecal matter? Well your breath doesn’t stink so I’m guessing yes. I’m afraid to inform you that you managed to fail the “My Life Sucks” test. I’d even venture to throw them in with the “One-Uppers” and “Know-It-Alls” as people I tend to avoid.

So, as a general favor to the rest of society, the next time this person approaches you, just simply throw it out there: “Well bud, things could be worse, you could have strep.” If they insist that their life is horrible, whip out the big guns, “Think of it this way, at least you don’t have to walk down the street everyday wondering if the car you’re walking past will blow up.” If they’re a persistent bugger and blow past this roadblock, Plan C kicks into effect, “Yeah, when you put it that way, your life really does suck. But hey, I know a great gun store down the street that I can hook you up with so you can off yourself.” That’ll be sure to shut ‘em up.

Song of the Week: “Safety Brick” by Broken Social Scene. Probably as emo as I’ll ever care to get, but it’s one of those songs you find yourself whistling or humming all day. You can thank/hit me later.

Quote of the Week: “I think it's important to just go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out - but what if it does.” - Lisa Rands

Random Fact of the Week: About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.

Picture of the Week: A random picture I saw online and couldn’t help but laugh at

Until next week, I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign,

Fred

October 19, 2007 Scare Tactics

2007-10-19T09:05:00.000-04:00

Here’s something we need more of in this world. There’s so much going on out there, so many resources to attain information, and yet, people seem so ill-informed. I think we all know how to change this: Scare tactics! “A recent study has shown that eating cereal will lead to death.” Well, maybe SLIGHTLY misleading, but I sure bet it would make you want to listen or read more.

Here’s one that would get guys and gals to go to their doctors: “Recent medical studies have shown that untreated cases of certain STDs can lead to impotence, and in severe cases, and actual shrinking of the male reproductive organ.” Or “Studies have shown that women with untreated STDs have seen serious complications with birth, ranging from babies being born with mental retardation, to babies being born with multiple appendages.” Yep, 100% false, but I’m willing to bet that regular check ups would become a routine (and I’d buy some stock in any company selling condoms, as sales are likely to skyrocket).

People are always running around too busy to stop and listen to important information. Feeding off of last weeks article, it seems as if people are becoming more and more shut off so that they’re only interested in news or events that will directly affect them. What better a way to catch someone’s attention than to tell them that if they partake in certain life choices, body parts will start falling off. It pains me to say this, but in a time when news has become more tabloid and entertainment-based, the only redeeming quality of it (aside from Matt Lauer’s exquisitely soothing voice and refreshing personality) is their ability to use the scare tactic to catch the audience’s attention. Bravo news! Now I’m too afraid to leave my house in fear that a mad cow from England will wander into my front yard and step on an Afghani land-mine, triggering Iran to launch its test-phase nuclear capabilities, thus skyrocketing oil prices to over $100 a barrel, and in the end, when it all boils down to it, I’ll still be too afraid to send my kids to school because they’ll probably get shot.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe scare tactics aren’t such a good idea; we should all just abide by the good ol’ “ignorance is bliss” proverb. It helps me sleep better at night not knowing that there’s a higher chance for kids to die in school than on the streets of Fallujah, or that there’s been a significant increase in the number of pirate attacks worldwide. Think it can’t happen to you? You never know who might be a pirate behind closed doors . . .

Song of the Week: “Lectric” by Film School.

Quote of the Week: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” - His reply

Random Fact of the Week: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

Picture of the Week: Che?

Until next week, Baby Ruth?

Fred

October 12, 2007 iConsumer

2007-10-12T09:16:00.000-04:00

This is something that has bothered me for awhile, so seeing as I don’t have anything better to write about, I figured I’d consult OJ and take a stab at it. Has anyone really taken notice of the iPod advertisements? I don’t know if it’s the cynic in me, but I feel like Apple is blatantly playing the community. When you see their image ads or even some commercials, it’s usually a silhouette of a person rockin out to a little Pat Benatar or Boy George. However, when you think about it, the only defining feature or quality about these people is that they own an iPod. Maybe they like to help AIDS victims, maybe they just donated $10,000 to cancer studies, maybe they just helped pass a law to ban reality TV shows, who knows. What’s REALLY important about them is that they own an iPod! In a country that has shifted so heavily towards individualism and self-expression, and even slightly narcissism, it astounds me that a product and an ad that completely counters that idea can perform so well. I think it’s hard to push the idea that owning an iPod helps define you or makes you stick out from a crowd when 110 million other people across the world own one. This certainly isn’t a knock on anyone that owns one; I think most of the people I know own an iPod (I’m still staying true to my 1GB SanDisk). I do question, and hope to draw attention to, the fact that Apple is basically calling you a faceless consumer. Does that bother anyone else just a little bit? I’m not going to stand up on my soapbox here and act self-righteous, but it is something that I do find interesting, while at the same time slightly bothersome. Now I don’t expect them to give every person a little heart-felt hug and home baked cookies for being loyal to their products, as business is business, but I expected a little more respect than basically stating, “We don’t care what you do or who you are, just buy our shit so we can get to looking at our bottom line.”

Song of the Week: “Fake Empire” by The National.

Quote of the Week: “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Random Fact of the Week: Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names

Picture of the Week: Another clever ad.

Until next week, you don’t have to put on the red light,

Fred

October 5, 2007 What Would Possess Someone To Do This?

2007-10-05T08:03:00.000-04:00

Some things you come across (or in this matter are sent to you), and it stops you dead in your tracks, immediately causing the reaction: “Are you F****** serious?!” I’m going to let this segment speak for itself; the following was a Craig’s List ad (please read all the way to the bottom, the response is the best):

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village.
What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Song of the Week: “Like Trumpets” by With Honor.

Quote of the Week: “When it comes to women, men are like bank accounts; without a lot of money they generate little interest.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow.

Picture of the Week: not sure if it's real or not, but I do know one thing: hilarious.

Until next week, As-Salāmu `Alaykum.

Fred

September 28, 2007 5 Things that Induce Road Rage

2007-09-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

After a little over a year of living in the city, I’ve increased my tolerance for bad drivers, and have learned to keep my road rage to a minimum. However, there are still a few things that really get to me every time they occur.

5) People who don’t use blinkers. I’m not really sure when in the evolution in driving using your blinker became an option. I probably sound like a soccer mom, but it’s for EVERYONE’S safety and use, not just your own. The best is when someone in front of you all of a sudden stops, and decides they want to parallel park. I don’t read minds, I leave that business to Miss Cleo. Due to the lack of reaction time you’ve left me, I get right up on your ass, and then that person gets pissed that I am preventing them from parking. Well buddy, the blinker would’ve been your ticket to pass go and collect $200, instead you get to go straight to jail.

4) People who text message or talk on a cell phone while driving. I’m not going to go into too much detail on this one (refer to the April 20th post), but every time I see it, I’m one step closer to buying large rubber bumpers and teaching you a lesson.

3) Unnecessary use of the horn. I’m a fairly impatient person when it comes to driving; however, I think it’s a little excessive to honk at someone .76 seconds after the light has turned green. It might just be a Boston/New York/northern thing, but still. I know when I was in North Carolina and Virginia, people would usually give you a 5-10 second grace period, which is what I try to give people, out of courtesy. But if you’re not John Force up here, you’re gonna get an earful. I’d really like a university to do a sociology study as to what the difference in average time between green light, not moving, and honking would be between different cities. That’s something I’d be interested in having my tax dollars go towards.

2) People in crosswalks. Sometimes I wish I were back in Europe. Pedestrians have no rights over there when it comes to walking on streets, as they shouldn’t. Too many people in America feel have a sense of entitlement so they feel they can just take their sweet time when crossing a street. If you have that green hand telling you it’s ok to walk, sure, take your time, but if there’s oncoming traffic, you better hustle buster. I know that when I see a 3500-pound steel beast capable of vaporizing a deer or demolishing the brick wall to a local Lil’ Peach coming at me, I put a little pep in my step. I hate to break it to you, you’re not as important as you think you are, so move.

1) Asian drivers. Yep, you’ve all experienced it before. And if you’re Asian and reading this, I don’t blame you, just your genes. I know it’s not fair to clump ALL Asian drivers into one category, as there are a few good Asian drivers out there (I’ve actually met a few, they do exist, I swear). But I hate to be the one to say it: some stereotypes are made for a reason. I avoid Asian drivers like the plague. If I see one driving on the street, it’s time to take my chances driving into oncoming traffic; I’d probably have a lowered chance of being involved in an accident that way.

Song of the Week: "Hateful" by The Clash.

Quote of the Week: “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.” – George W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: The word “nerd” was first coined by Dr. Seuss in “If I Ran the Zoo.”

Picture of the Week: I’m sure there’s a legitimate story behind this picture, but it’s still one of my all-time favorites, mostly because of the cheesy Paint caption.

Until next week, You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

Fred

September 21, 2007 Why People Hate America Pt: 4

2007-09-21T09:47:00.000-04:00

I know I’ve touched upon media-related issues just about as many times as Arnold has molested women, but I couldn’t help myself on this one. "Oprah asks Justin about Britney."Is it just me, or does it seem that news is gravitating more towards entertainment. More and more stories are shifting from delivering us important information that affects us and the world around us, and more towards celebrity gossip (on that note, did anyone else hear that JT has a new girlfriend?!) and creating misleading headlines to drive viewer traffic. I made sure to click on the link and read to the story to gauge its relevance to American society and the world around us, if not at least to get some sort of entertainment at how ridiculous it would be. I can say with confidence: It had none. It wasn’t even amusing; he just answered that he hasn’t talked to her in years and that when he knew her she was a good person. Way to be PC about it pal, I was looking for a little dirt. I would’ve been more amused with a story covering Bobo, the blind mime (how the hell would he know where that wall is anyways?) Either way, the stories that the media are starting to focus on have become about as useful and relevant as male nipples.

Another reason for importance of legitimate news is to be able to hold intelligent and informed conversations with others. I’m not sure “Like, JT said some shit about Britney last night with Oprah,” really counts as an intelligent contribution to the well-being of others. Maybe it’s just me, but I think “Justin Timberlake announced yesterday whilst conversing with Oprah Winfrey that he had limited knowledge regarding the well-being of Britney Spears’s mental state. Sources have informed us that although JT “hit that,” he retains nothing but good-will towards the psychologically troubled ‘singer’.” would’ve worked a little better . . . again, maybe it’s just me.

Song of the Week: “Elaborama” by Every Time I Die. Oh yes . . . it's time to rock.

Quote of the Week: “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.” – Ellen Goodman

Random Fact of the Week: Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Picture of the Week: WHERE DO I GO?!

Until next week, don’t go chasing waterfalls.

Fred

September 14, 2007 What is the World Coming To?

2007-09-14T10:12:00.000-04:00

This story has a couple different points I could tackle, so I made sure to steal a little Ritalin before writing it to prevent some ADD. In case you haven’t heard, a little 9 year-old girl wrote a note to a classmate saying she was going to kill her over a bag of chips and a zebra cake. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Suzie Q’s, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, and other assorted Hostess® brand products, but seven and a half times out of ten I wouldn’t threaten a life over it. This is basically what the note read:
“I have a gun and first I'm going to shoot you in the shoulder, then you're going to shoot me back with a bazooka, but you're gonna miss and then I'm going to shoot you back and kill you...”
10-15 years ago, yeah, that could slide. But not now, not in the post-9/11 era. Everyone’s at threat level red (what the hell does this even mean?) I mean, come on, sure the girl’s a little wacky, but obviously this girl lost all legitimate threat potential when she said her counterpart would shoot her back with a bazooka, AFTER she first shoots her in the shoulder. Has everyone forgotten about the size of the bags they wore in 2nd and 3rd grade? You’d be lucky if you could fit your GI Joe lunchbox in them, let alone a bazooka. It’d be a little conspicuous for her to walk through the door of the classroom with it. “Suzie, what do you have there?” “Oh nothing Ms. Smith, it’s just my inhaler.”

But apparently this little girl writing “threatening notes” is suspended. And what did the mother of the note-recipient say about it? She’s pulling her daughter out of that school and transferring her to another. What the hell has this world come to? People can’t take a little adversity anymore. I think instead of pulling her daughter out of the class she should be a good role model and sit down for a little mother-daughter bonding time to draft a retort to the first note. Could go a little something like this: “But when you shoot me back, the bullet will bounce off of me because I have super-powers, and then I’ll get my cabbage patch doll army to come over to your house when you’re asleep and attack you!”

And the “officials” are trying to figure out how to punish the girl that wrote the note. I can give you a little help with that: have her parents smack her around the house a little, tell her never to do it again, and then send her on her merry way.

Moral of the story: Hit your kids, they’ll turn out better that way.

Song of the Week: “Arizona” by Kings of Leon.

Quote of the Week: “Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.” - John Barrymore

Random Fact of the Week: Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

Picture of the Week: Poor taste ABC . . .

Until next week, it’s alright, cuz I’m saved by the bell.

Fred

September 7, 2007 Chivalry is Dead

2007-09-07T10:54:00.000-04:00

There’s been a longstanding complaint by women that chivalry is dead, that guys have lost that “polite edge” that it takes to be a gentleman. Well you know what killed it? Feminism. All these strong independent women out there ruined it for you. Even though they make up roughly 5% of the actual female populous in America, they managed to ruin it for the other 95% of women that actually enjoy having men stand up on buses for them, hold doors open, and pay for dinners at restaurants. Let’s take a quick look back through history when minorities oppressed large majorities. I bet Nelson Mandela could throw in his two cents. I think it might be time for the silent majority of women to stand up and call out this group of outspoken rage-oholics.

I say chivalry is not dead; I think men are just confused. Do you want me to hold the door open for you out of general courtesy, or should I respect your almighty strength and admire your womanly roar. I don’t know, what SHOULD I do? Obviously Mel Gibson knows what women want, but I don’t. Could be roses, could be a hammer so you can break through that scenic glass ceiling of yours. Listen, if you want to be independent, I’ll GLADLY let you pay for your $40 entree. Just tell me. I’ll respect your wishes. All you need to do is communicate. No more of this sitting on the fence business, it’s leaving a weird indent in your butt, and yes, those jeans do make it look big, but please don’t castrate me.

Just like Bob Marley said: “Smoke two joints in the morning, smoke two joints at night.” Wait no, wrong anthem.
Take two: “Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights!”

Song of the Week: “Something Worth Saving” by Tiger Bear Wolf.

Quote of the Week: “There’s no use in being a pessimist, it wouldn’t work anyway.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: George W. Bush is the first u.s. president to declare himself exempt from over 750 U.S. laws, sidestepping most of the bill of rights including the constitutional requirement that the president follow all laws. Yes, they mentioned it specifically to suppress tyranny

Picture of the Week: Probably the coolest ad ever

Until next week, take a bite out of crime.

Fred

August 31, 2007 Pollution

2007-08-31T09:57:00.000-04:00

Pollution is an unwelcome concentration of substances that are beyond the environment’s capacity to handle. These substances are detrimental to people and other living things. North Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.

Ok, so I’m not going to talk about pollution because I don’t want to make you fall asleep on a Friday. However, every thousand years or so a divine being, whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, or The Fonz, delivers something so incredible that you just have to stop and appreciate it. Today I would like to discuss Miss Teen USA.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

What.
The.
Fuck.

Seriously . . .

I’m just leaving it at that. What I enjoyed even more was the fact that she re-answered the question later on the Today Show, as if it would cover-up what she said. And even with a few days to think about it, this is what she came up with:

“Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”

But what about “the Iraq?!” I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you don’t get a second chance, just ask OJ (oh wait, he got off). First off, she’s bragging about knowing where the US is on the map. It’s times like these that I wish I worked at that sticker factory I mentioned earlier so I could give her a gold star. Hooray for you! And to think her high school actually let her graduate. Secondly, I think it’s a little pompous that she’s not only bragging that she knows where it is, but also that she’s putting kids down that don’t, making them feel like outsiders or outcasts. Poor little Pablo may not have enough money to afford a map or a proper education, but he has such a big heart and the desire to learn; it’s not his fault poor socioeconomic conditions limit his capabilities. I’m Sally Struthers, and for just $1 a month you can help Pablo get that map he’s always wanted. Nice example you’re setting Miss Teen USA third runner-up. Not only are you dumb, but you’re an elitist as well. I’m so disappointed in you . . .

Song of the Week: “Trouble’s Gonna Stay Awhile” by The Deadly Snakes. Not many bands can rock a piano.

Quote of the Week: “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.” - Sen. Mary Anne Tebedo

Random Fact of the Week: No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. (I wish I had a statistic for the percent of you that will try it. Tally 1 for me)

Picture of the Week: Smartass

Until next week, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

Fred

August 24, 2007 Convenience Charges

2007-08-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

Let’s talk about these so-called “Convenience Fees” that Ticketmaster and other ticket organizations like to throw onto the end of your purchase.

I’ve recently bought tickets to a few different shows around the area. I’ll provide a screenshot of my latest purchase just to give you a better sense.

$10 tickets, awesome, that’s something to get excited about. You can’t even find that price at old washed-up band concerts like Everclear or Rip Van Winkle. But wait, what’s this? I’m paying for a building facility charge? What does that even mean? I’d rather you just tack that onto the total cost so I can’t see how you’re ripping me off. And from what I understand, this price changes (at the same venue nonetheless) depending on the face-value of tickets. And a Convenience Charge? What’s the convenience? I get to drive an hour to the show, deal with the traffic and parking, wash the puke off my car from a 17 year old girl that’s drinking for the first time, pick up my tickets, and THEN sardine my way in through the doors to see the bands. Sounds pretty convenient to me Mr. Corporate Exec. That’s not convenience. Sending two blonde models to my door delivering me my tickets on a silver platter is convenient; emailing me my tickets to I can print them out using my own ink and own paper is not convenient, so don’t take my money for work I’m doing. And then you charge me for processing my ticket. So basically what you’re telling me is that my ticket cost me $10, and the charges you incurred were $15.70 . . . maybe I’m a little stingy, but what? Last I heard, Massachusetts sales tax was 5%, not 157%! Luckily I enjoyed the show and my $8 cans of beer (I won’t even get started).

And another show I ordered tickets for only charged me $4 as a service charge. I was pretty excited about that . . . until I realized they charged me $2.50 as a “Shipping Charge.” Side story: they EMAILED me my tickets. I’m not a tech wiz, but last I checked you just click the button that says “send,” and that’s even if it’s not a fully automated process. Not to whine, but I’m tired of getting nickel and dimed for these B-S so-called “convenience charges” by these conglomerates.

I pledge never to give Ticketmaster another dime of my hard earned money.

Song of the Week: “Spilled Milk Factory” by Ugly Casanova.

Quote of the Week: “Have a nice day. That’s the trouble with ‘Have a nice day.’ It puts all the pressure on you. Now you have to go out and somehow arrange to have a positive experience.” – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: 7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood.

Picture of the Week: I’m confused . . . why’s he holding a sewing machine?

Until next week, London calling to the faraway towns.

Fred

August 17, 2007 PMS: Pissed Male Syndrome

2007-08-17T12:24:00.000-04:00

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Women have PMS, men have . . . what DO men have?

It seems as though one common disclaimer pokes its ugly little head every time a girl acts unpleasant: “I’m on my period.” Yes, I used the “P” word every guy hates to hear, whether it’s because that girl is now sexually off limits or if it’s because you’re within her 5 mile bitch-radius. There’s no way to stop it; it’s like a nuclear bomb, there’s nothing that can shelter you from it, if you’re exposed to the bitch-radiation you’re pretty much a goner. In the event of an incident, find the nearest desk and get under it. All you can do is pray you’re far enough away to be safe. This has almost become an immediate assumption for most though; when a girl acts bitchy, most people automatically assume that it’s because she’s on her period.

However, what do men have? Sure we have the occasional “I broke up with my girlfriend,” “My boss is a huge dick,” or “someone stole my Cabbage Patch Kid” excuse for being a jerk, but in all seriousness, it seems the only time a guy is “allowed” to act like a dick is when he’s drunk. No wonder there are so many alcoholics. I think women need to start handing out free coupons; anytime she uses the “P” excuse for being unpleasant or being whiny and emotional around men, they should get a free vent session. “The bearer of this coupon is entitled to a complementary 5 minute ‘being a dick’ session. Offer valid through next cycle.” Either that or just buy the guy a handle of Jack Daniels, that’ll make things interesting.

Song of the Week: “The First Song” by Band of Horses.

Quote of the Week: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” – Wayne Gretzky

Random Fact of the Week: There is a city called Rome in every continent

Picture of the Week: Wait, so is this irony, or just a REALLY bad coincidence?

Until next week, Make sure your seatback is in its full upright position.

Fred

August 10, 2007 Stickers!

2007-08-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

It’s amazing how much a simple colorful adhesive applied with precision to a piece of schoolwork can dramatically alter the impact or message. I was recently having a conversation with a co-worker while on a boat cruise (degree of sobriety still questionable) and we managed to stumble upon the topic of how we enjoyed getting stickers on school papers way back when we were young chaps. A very appropriate side story is that he actually worked on an assembly line that produced stickers, most of which were for school grading. Probably one of the most random things ever . . . but back to stickers.

Just think back on the good ol’ days when you would get an assignment or test back and it would have a smiley face or some crazy sun giving you two thumbs up (since when does the sun have appendages, and why would you ever want it to be 10 inches from your face). Even if you managed to perform poorly on a test or art project, a sticker would make it all better. I can definitely say there’s a huge difference between a teacher writing a message and a teacher slapping on a little stickery goodness to my paper. I know if a teacher wrote “see me after class,” I’d fake the flu and go hide in an orphanage. However, if she popped on a little “see me after class” sticker with a frowny elephant, you can bet I’d be the first one at her desk once class was over. “Hey mom, you need to sign this paper because I got a 55% on it, but it’s ok because the teacher gave me a sticker!”

I think the next big thing will be stickers in the workspace; it would definitely work to promote office efficiency and enthusiasm. I’m definitely going to work harder than Beaver Cleaver in order to get that sticker from upper management on my report. And I think I’d feel a little less postal if instead of getting a boring pink slip I got an awesome sticker on my keyboard of a penguin giving me two thumbs up saying “You’re Fired.” At least I’d have a cool sticker to give my kid before I gave him up for adoption and move to Copley Square to sleep on vent grates.

Song of the Week: “The Rescue Blues” by Ryan Adams.

Quote of the Week: “Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.” - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: A typist’s fingers travel over 12 and a half miles in an average day.

Picture of the Week: I am so confused . . .

Until next week, the tribe has spoken.

Fred

August 3, 2007 The Natural Reaction Confirmation Question

2007-08-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

It’s either dumb human instinct or a lack of trust that leads us to ask the annoying “natural reaction confirmation question.” This usually comes in the form of hearing some big news or giving approval/disapproval of something. I bet you all can think of one instance. Let’s have an example.

So Peggy Sue and Shantel are talking over a nice lunch. Peggy Sue has big news for Shantel. “So . . . I’m pregnant!” And of course, the first natural reaction of Shantel is to say: “Oh my god! You’re pregnant?!” It is at this point in which Peggy Sue can declare April Fool’s, which there’s only a .27% chance it really is April Fool’s, or she’ll just re-affirm her previous statement. After a minute or two of high pitched squealing that only dogs and bats would be able to understand, the two overly stereotypically named and profiled women proceed to deeper conversation (deeper meaning further along, not actual deep or meaningful conversation). An example on the bad side would be Billy Bob and Tyrone talking over a few malt liquor refreshments, when Tyrone says, “Dude, Shantel’s pregnant.” Instant reaction: “She’s pregnant?! What the hell’d you do that for?!”

Another prime example of this is the marriage declaration. However, this is not to be confused with the Declaration of Independence (also, refer to divorce on page 312). Going off on a tangent, (a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2], I find it funny how the reactions to that news significantly differs between guys and girls. Girls scream and jump and talk about dresses and how the guy’s a cheap bastard for not getting the 2 carat princess cut diamond in white gold, while guys act as if they’ve lost a brother: “Oh man, I’m really sorry to hear that, that sucks.”

But, people generally tend to repeat the statement when in some sort of disbelief, whether it be good or bad. What is it that makes humans do this? Is it lack of trust? Or is it just plain stupidity. Keep your eye out for this as you will start to notice it in social settings, either by you or an acquaintance. As the famous saying goes: Stupid is as stupid does. But if stupid does, this means you have a chance stonewall the stupid and make things right again.

Song of the Week: “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Yes, inspired by Shawn.

Quote of the Week: “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades . . . or a game of fake heart attack.” - Demetri Martin

Random Fact of the Week: By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Picture of the Week: You better recognize!

Until next week, apply ointment liberally to the affected area.

Fred

July 27, 2007 Made in China

2007-07-27T10:53:00.000-04:00

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you see the phrase “Made in China?” Probably cheap, not reliable, might have cat products in it, etc. But what about deadly? In a recent CNN article, China has been nicknamed the “Wild West” due to its poor regulatory system, which has allowed exports that have caused many health-related issues recently.

In a very informative elaborate interview, a senior product safety counsel with the U.S. Consumers Union, the publisher of Consumer Reports magazine made sure we understood the severity of the situation. “Anything that does not meet our standards should not be allowed to be imported.” Oh man, I can breathe easy now. But, just to reiterate: “Anything that does not meet our standards should not be allowed to be imported.” I just kind of assumed that was an unspoken rule, but hey, what do I know. A business professor at the University of Maryland and former chief economist at the U.S. International Trade Commission, said, “They're basically producing poisonous products, selling them to their own people and then selling them on to us.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa . . . whoa. Accusing China of trying to poison us? Blasphemy! Has he eaten Chinese take-out in the past decade? Utterly delectable (though it just makes you feel gross and you’re hungry again an hour later). They might be trying to poison poor Panamanians, or some cats and dogs here and there, but to accuse them of trying to kill off the planet? This is worse than those pesky Nationalist Socialists in the 1930’s and ‘40s.

“40 percent of all consumer products imported into the United States last year (almost $250 billion worth of goods) were manufactured in China. From 1997 to 2004, the share of all U.S. imports of consumer products from China increased by nearly 300 percent.” They’d be stupid NOT to try and poison us or kill off the youth of America with faulty Skip-Its or Snap Bracelets. But, just to make sure the Chinese have their say, “Beijing stands by its products and says people should not be worried about ‘Made in China’ goods.” Uh, 10 years too late buster. “Consumers shouldn't be scared of Chinese products. They should have a reputation of being good quality, cheap and safe,” said a spokesman for the foreign ministry. He certainly got the cheap part right. But all is well in the world of imports. I’m not worried about any South Beach Diets or Atkins Diets; I’m riding on my new Fear-Free diet. I’m certainly not scared about eating products from pigs fattened on force-fed wastewater, dairy cows given so many antibiotics they can't produce yogurt from their milk and lard made from sewage. And it’s probably propaganda that a Chinese government report earlier this month found that 20 percent of food and products for domestic consumption failed inspection. 20%!

Song of the Week: “Leaving Babylon” by 311. Definitely the epitome of “chill.”

Quote of the Week: “Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” - John Lehman (former US secretary of the Navy)

Random Fact of the Week: Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

Picture of the Week: Most likely the case

Until next week, I say stop when touching bothers me.

Fred

July 20, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 3

2007-07-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

Coming into today I had no idea what I was going to mickey mouse together and loosely call an article. However, after an early morning conversation with an intern (from out of the country, which plays an important factor in the context) I’ve reaffirmed my belief that America is just plain and simple fat.

Intern was talking about first impressions of America. The FIRST impression Intern had was that America is fat. Not that the people try to be nice, not that it’s a very modern country that emphasizes hard work, not that we offer outstanding job opportunities, some of the best colleges and medical facilities. It’s that we’re fat. I’m not talking “I’m trying to lose a few pounds so I’ll look good in my bathing suit” fat. I’m talking about the 300+ lbs fat. Anyone else upset by that? “It’s not just that people are fat, but it’s that I’ve seen fat in places on people I’ve never even seen before. There are so many obese people.” Hold on Intern, let me just wash the vomit out of my mouth. Also, another appropriate observation was that half the time Intern would see fat people, they’d be walking around eating McDonald’s assembly line mutations or drinking a coke (maybe they were saving it for an emergency in which they would need to use it as a substitute for engine oil. Refer to the 4/13/07 post).

Granted some people can argue that it’s genetic. Sure, for some that’s true; I’ll give you a break and let you take all the time you need on the SATs as well. I’m going to go ahead and write you out a prescription for Accountability. Everyone wants to point the finger at someone else. “I’m fat because mommy and daddy did it to me.” All because of mommy and daddy? I’ll make sure to go slap them on the wrist and lock them up for child abuse, but give me a break, take some responsibility and ownership of your actions. I think it is sad to see kids that are fat, because in most cases, it is genetic or it is the fault of the parents. But how long can you continue to use that excuse; what's the cut-off, when you're a legal adult at 18? The more you tell people that, the more you start to honestly believe it yourself. If you know you’re going to face that issue, start doing something to prevent it, don’t rack up frequent flyer miles at McDonald’s. Not to be overly critical or people, but this is the first impression people are getting of America. Is that really what we want it to be?

Song of the Week: “Rest My Chemistry” by Interpol

Quote of the Week: “There’s no me in team.” – Lauren Lawlor

Random Fact of the Week: The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Picture of the Week: Best add ever

Until next week, fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.

Fred

July 13, 2007 A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

2007-07-13T09:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe it won’t be 1000 words, but enjoy it nonetheless:

I wonder what is going through the cops’ heads at that moment; they have the biggest grins on their faces. It could also be some sort of rookie cop hazing. The two on the left look intimidating with their big black uniforms on, while the sorry knucklehead writing the ticket has his nice little hat on, a pressed mall security shirt, and that big “come kick me in the ass” orange reflective gear. And he’s the one writing the ticket too.

He must be having a field day though; how do you not burst out laughing during an incident like that. “I’m sorry sir/ma’am; I’m writing you up for eating too many paint chips as a child.” What about the person IN the car? “I’m sorry officer, the captain of my brain ship was drunk behind the wheel again, but don’t worry, I practice abstinence.”

A few other questions to ponder as well:
What’s with all the random tractor trailers and dump trucks around?
Why is the pickup stopped on the yellow line?
Is that cop taking pictures/video?
Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense.

Song of the Week: “Phoenix in Flight” by Converge

Quote of the Week: “Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.” - Charles Barkley after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics

Random Fact of the Week: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Picture of the Week: See above

Until next week, don’t eat paint chips.

Fred

July 6, 2007 Girls? Confusing? Nah

2007-07-06T09:25:00.001-04:00

An old adage states: “Girls are more attracted to and want to date assholes.” I’ve half-heartedly believed that statement through the years; last night was a complete confirmation of that assessment.

It was humid and overcast that fateful July night in the summer of 2007, the streets bustled with commotion as pedestrians dodged overzealous automobiles. Workers went about their daily routine as dusk approached, setting stage for another unpredictable evening in the dynamic streets of the city. A fresh breeze swept through steel giants as it cooled the faces of the dawdling citizens. As Fred and the Mt. Hood Boys approached the restaurant, uncertainty emerged as unfamiliar faces were greeted with similarly unfamiliar smiles.

Alright, that’s too much effort. Basically I went out to dinner for a friend of a friend’s birthday. Upon doing so, I was introduced to an unfamiliar person of the female persuasion; we’ll call her Stranger Girl. Five minutes or so into the dinner (while sitting next to said female) another friend came in and sandwiched me between Stranger Girl and herself. While the two immediately jumped into personal conversation, I continued to space off and wonder why the Wonder Years was ever cancelled, and how the hell hair bands lasted as long as they did. After falling face first back down to earth, I looked at both girls and volunteered to move so they could talk without damaging the hearing in both of my ears. They felt bad, but agreed. After which, Stranger Girl asked if she was being annoying by talking through me. My response: “Yeah you were, but it’s ok, you only get one chance to make a first impression . . . so much for that one.” Now, I realize I can be pretty dry, and sometimes strangers might not catch onto my sarcasm. However, even I thought that my retort to her statement was pretty dick-like. So the dinner continued, and since I already assumed I had pigeon-holed her impression of me, I kept rolling with it. Fast forward a few hours and a rainy softball game. Another close friend, Anonymous Girl, came up to me and showed me a text message that Stranger Girl had sent her. It read as follows: “I had a great time at dinner, it was good to see everyone . . . Also, Fred was pretty cute, work your magic for me.” (I think she was thinking of someone else).

I can honestly say, the only thing I did was act extremely sarcastic/borderline jerky throughout the entire dinner. Girls=Rosetta_Stone.

Moral of the story: Although Ivy is a fine dining establishment with delectable tapas plates, for the money you pay there are better Tapas restaurants in Boston.

Song of the Week: “Like Eating Glass” by Bloc Party. Brit Rock!

Quote of the Week: “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” - George W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

Picture of the Week: Good to know, room for two please.

Until next week, danger Will Robinson!

Fred

June 30, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 2

2007-06-29T10:54:00.001-04:00

Included is a list of the top 25 Search Engine Keywords of the Week. Take a quick poke through:

1 myspace
2 google
3 games play
4 yahoo
5 ebay
6 myspace.com
7 game cheats for ps2
8 mapquest
9 ps 2 game cheats
10 paris hilton
11 yahoo.com
12 youtube
13 girls
14 pc game cheats
15 play game
16 obituaries
17 play games
18 linkin park
19 rihanna
20 pictures of cats
21 jessica alba
22 sperm shack movies
23 claudia cohen
24 lyrics music
25 craigslist

I didn’t find a single keyword relating to anything I would deem important. There was nothing indicating searches for “foreign news,” “American/US News” “healthcare,” or even “presidential information/policy/platform.” (Yes, I understand that gives the American public WAY more credit than due). A keyword that MIGHT be considered remotely important was “wedding vows” which came in at #190, though I was shocked not to find “divorce information,” or “take him for all he’s worth” coming in shortly thereafter. I also find it interesting that people (probably mostly men) are going to the internet to find wedding vows or ideas. Aren’t they supposed to “come from the heart?”

The first thing to pop up under a non “consumer interest” category was the generic term “News” at #238. This was sandwiched between “Kiss” and “Elvis.” Last I checked, Elvis has been dead for 30 years (sad thing is, I had to perform a Google search to find that information, thus, boosting the ratings of that keyword closer to “News”). So people would almost rather find out information about a dead pop singer than relevant information about what’s happening in the world . . . disappointing. So next time you go to search for something on Google or Yahoo! (which interestingly enough hold a combined 89% of the search engine market share) think twice, because people are always tracking what you’re searching for and sending.

Song of the Week: “Boomerang” by Black Lips. Garage Punk fused with late ‘60’s rock.

Quote of the Week: “I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
- Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

Random Fact of the Week: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down, hence the expression “to get fired.”

Picture of the Week: I found him! I know where he is!

Until next week, domo arigato Mr. Roboto.

Fred

June 22, 2007 Thank You For Your Interest

2007-06-22T10:13:00.000-04:00

During my tenure as an unemployed American, I spent most of my time applying to jobs and figuring out better ways to annoy people. On one fateful day, March 27, 2007, I found a job posting that seemed extremely interesting to me. It was a Research Associate role within the Harvard Business School. However, to my dismay, this seeming match made in heaven was never to be. They notified me on June 15, 2007 that they had reviewed my resume and that I was not a good fit. What upset me was not that I had been turned away, it was that they took almost 3 months to get back to me. After polishing off a carton of Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching Days of Our Lives reruns, I sent the following letter to Harvard (names and addresses changed to protect identity):

June 20, 2007

Jane Doe
Director of Human Resources

Harvard Business School

Soldiers Field

Boston, MA 02163

Dear Ms. Doe:

Thank you for your recent posting informing me of a position you thought might be of interest to me within your organization. I certainly appreciate your interest in my skills.

After reviewing your credentials, I have determined that your opportunity does not suit my needs at this time. After interviewing many potential employers in my search process, I have accepted another opportunity whose reputation, credentials, and opportunity were better suited for my needs.

My initial impression of Harvard was that it stood for initiative, diligence, and character. However, over the past few months, I have seen that this is not the case. My impression of Harvard now is of laziness and an overall lack of character. That is not the type of organization with which I would like to associate myself or my career.

If a need arises for me to contact you in the future, I will retain your information on file for one year. Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Fred Caloggero

Song of the Week: “Milestones” by Miles Davis.

Quote of the Week: “I often want to drown my sorrows, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” Jimmy Carter

Random Fact of the Week: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

Picture of the Week: Shitty Kitty

Until next week, if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.

Fred

June 15, 2007 Hybrid Words

2007-06-15T11:05:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in every (wo)man’s life when words need to be abbreviated or fused to describe something. I’m not talking about “obvi” or “fab,” nor fantabulous, I’m talking about the real deal here people, two completely disconnected words coming together in intercourse to manifest an offspring word that will completely transform your vocabulary and also significantly decrease the number of people that talk to you. Here are some of the words that need to be incorporated into the English language:

Voluntyranny©† (volunteer + tyranny): The act of forcing people to volunteer against their own will. Ex: In high school, the coaches would make the football team volunteer to do community service to make ourselves look good to the community. We didn’t want to, but we were forced to through voluntyranny.

Maniactivity©† (maniac + activity): The activity or actions of maniacs. Ex: “Check out that maniactivity; motherfucker be riding a bicycle down Newbury St. yelping at people.”

Populution©‡ (population + pollution): When certain races or less than ideal demographics “pollute” areas/events and ruin its appeal. Ex: The populution is so bad in this place, they should all be shipped back to (insert country/Iranian nuclear testing ground here).

Feel free to create new ones and corrupt your friends as well.

©† 2004 Ben McDearmon and Nils McBride
©‡ 2005 Fred Caloggero

Song of the Week: “Sweets” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Quote of the Week: “How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.” – Anonymous manufacturer.

Random Fact of the Week: The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees.

Picture of the Week: cmon . . . COME ON. Please don’t breed.

Until next week, let’s go to Moe for the official results.

Fred

June 8, 2007 Why People Hate America: Pt. 1

2007-06-08T09:17:00.000-04:00

I think I could go on for hours about this topic, however I’ll keep it to a minimum due to the fact most cube-dwellers out there actually need to work. So one thing I’ve always had a problem with is the media and what they spoon feed the public as important. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve got instant breaking news on Paris Hilton’s prison debacle programmed to be text messaged to me every 30 minutes. “OMG!” Thank god for the media and their coverage of it, otherwise I’d be reading stories about boring relevant things, like the G8 summit or diplomatic talks with Iran. LOL, OMG, I’d be all like, no way am I like reading that stuff, it’s like, WICKED boring. SMMFD!

So as I read through the news on CNN.com, this was the big headline: “Bono Takes Off His Glasses.” There is zero exaggeration in that line; that is word for word what appeared on their website. Well chalk that one up in the category of things I don’t give a shit about. He became so worked up during an interview about the G8 summit that he took his glasses off in exasperation. Well you know what media? I got so upset WATCHING it that I took off MY glasses, and since it’s Friday and I’m feeling scrappy, I’m going to raise Bono a shoe. Now the glasses AND the shoe are off, that’s how upset I am of your choice to cover that piece of “news” and not about something else, like Russian President Putin and his increasingly erratic statements threatening European cities. If you read foreign newspapers, you’d notice that they include much coverage of foreign affairs and world news. In America? That space is taken up by Paris Hilton updates and the newest mouthing-offs of Rosie O’Donnell. Though you can’t blame the media 100% in their escapades to increasingly dumb down America, they tailor to their audience. What does that mean? People actually read that shit. What I say? BAD America, BAD! You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done while the rest of the world gets to go play.

On a somewhat serious note, if you want to view real news coverage check out http://www.mondotimes.com/ and click “Local Media” to view headlines from every country in the world or http://www.wn.com/ for a condensed overview. Both have great listings, and if you’re really ambitious, compare headlines from Iranian news agencies covering the US to what we say about them. Or look at the newspaper from Israel and compare it to that of any Lebanese or Palestinian agency. You’ll quickly see that not only do people hate us because of our own self-involved media coverage, but also because of their own.

Song of the Week: “Don’t Cry Out” by Shiny Toy Guns.

Quote of the Week: “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Random Fact of the Week: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Picture of the Week: Incidentally, the crime rate in this town is among the lowest in the country.

Until next week, Yahtzee!

Fred

June 1, 2007 Money Saving Advice

2007-06-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

You know what really grinds my gears: Money-saving advice/tips. It seems like everyone out there has something to share about how to save some money. I’ll tell you how to save money: don’t spend it. It’s that easy. After conversing with Rich, he brought to my attention an excellent article to demonstrate this point: http://frugalliving.about.com/od/householdsavings/tp/Household_Save.htm. Please click, it’s work appropriate (not to mention you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about for the rest of the article).

A great example of this common-sense blabber is #2: “Cut Back On Extras.” “Do you really need . . . the premium cable or satellite package that you subscribe to?” Well, I guess not, come to think of it, I don’t even really need a TV at all. My grandparents never had one, and they turned out just fine. I have an even better idea, just walk down to the neighborhood restaurant or pizza shop, and enjoy a nice twosie! That’s right, save on water and plumbing costs by enjoying your gastrointestinal housecleaning in a public restroom!

And another one, #6: “Seek Cheap Thrills.” Now, I’m all for saving money, but let’s be realistic. No guy in his right mind would want to take a girl out on a first or second date to a free concert and a picnic. We’ve already established that girls are black belts in the art of manipulation, but did I mention they’re also cross-trained in sniffing out cheap men? I can tell you where you’ll end up buddy . . . single and lonely watching re-runs of Growing Pains.

However, my favorite from this site is #7: “Pay Your Bills On Time.” Wow . . . WOW. Four years of college and $160,000 later I’ve realized there are some things they never teach you in academia. Come on people, I can’t believe people actually need advice like that. And to think for some out there a little light bulb goes off and they think it’s the best advice they’ve been given since mom and pops told them to wipe their ass. Speaking of light bulbs, you can do us all a favor buster, go unscrew the one in your bathroom, chew on it a little, and stick your finger into the socket. I don’t want your kids dumbing down my kids in school. In the words of Smokey the Bear, “You too can help cleanse the gene pool.”

Song of the Week: “I’m Not Ready” by Modern Life Is War.

Quote of the Week: “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.” – George H. W. Bush

Random Fact of the Week: Karaoke means “empty orchestra” in Japanese.

Picture of the Week: And they’ll give you a SPECIAL deal if you’re Islamic

Until next week, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean people want to hear it,

Fred

May 25, 2007 The Relativity Scale

2007-05-25T10:13:00.000-04:00

Weekend events preclude this segment in a long series touching upon dating and the wonderful world of social interaction/awkwardness. After conversing with a few people, I felt it appropriate to tackle the theory of “The Relativity Scale.”

Now, on a 1-10 scale of first impression physical attractiveness, for example, I might give myself a 7, usually on a good day. Considering this baseline of comparison, let us close our eyes (while still reading) and imagine me in a room of 8’s 9’s and 10’s. Considering the environment, I probably wouldn’t really even get a glance over in my direction. However, put me in a room with 4’s and 5’s . . . jackpot. I’d venture to guess that a few drunk girls might actually walk over and talk to me, only to realize minutes later the awkwardness emanating from my corner of the bar.

Now, this brings up another phenomenon, and an observation made by many a person. “Girls always manage to keep around a ‘sub-5’ to make themselves look better in comparison.” Now, I know we (men and women) like to give the opposite sex a hard time about not being as intelligent as the other, but come on guys, let’s give the girls a round of applause for this one. Hats off to the ladies for not only recognizing the Relativity Scale, but also for their ability to capitalize on their superior manipulation skills and turn it to serve their own best interests. I guess we could learn something from the ladies after all . . .

Song of the Week: “Straws Pulled at Random” by Meshuggah.

Quote of the Week: “The Internet is a great way to get on the net.” – Bob Dole

Random Fact of the Week: When the airbag in your car goes off, it expands at a rate of 150mph.

Picture of the Week: ladies take note

Until next week, Jesus doesn’t love you, but he thinks you have a great personality,

Fred

May 18, 2007 Friend of Friends

2007-05-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

I don't know about most of you, but I know one thing I definitely CANNOT do is talk to people I don't know at a bar. Every introduction and first impression has the possibility of turning out awkward, and when you yourself are already awkward . . . well that's a recipe for a quick one minute conversation ending with an painful "nice meeting you," (some variations may occur). Either way, one great way to save face in these situations is: The friend of a friend!

Whether at a house party or even meeting at a bar, meeting friends of friends is basically taking the bunny slope at any mountain in order to get warmed up/take the easy way out. From the beginning you have some sort of base of legitimacy (assuming your friend actually said nice things about you before hand, otherwise, it might be time for a friend audit) and there is an immediate conversation starter: "So how long have you known Lateesha?" "How do you know Jamal?" or "Have you seen the mole on Fred's ass?" BOOM, instant ice breaker. Granted some ice breakers work better, like asking which Pokémon® character is her favorite, but for those of us with the nervous sweats or minimal wit, sticking to the basics goes a long way. This way you don't seem like every other choad at a bar trying to pick up anything with a vagina. Also, even if you do screw up, you can always have your friend drop a little comment the next day like, "Oh, he wasn't himself last night," or "He was on his period" (hey, if girls can use that excuse, why can't we?).

Moral of the story: Friends of friends = better chance = less strikeouts = less K's = bringing down the Ku Klux Klan = Forrest Gump was an AWESOME movie.

Song of the Week: "Cataract" by Sparta.

Quote of the Week: " Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." - Anonymous

Random Fact of the Week: There are more creatures in your mouth than there are humans on earth . . . think about that one the next time you decide to make out with a stranger.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, keep on rockin in the free world,

Fred

May 11, 2007 The Friend Zone

2007-05-11T12:34:00.000-04:00

Please insert Twighlight Zone-esque music. As it seems, this phenomena, mostly affecting men, is a very common occurrence among men and women alike. The dreaded Friend Zone.

Common side effects include: shattered hopes, broken egos, blue balls, general embarrassment, and excessive spending at bars on the opposite sex.

In my studies, this seems to most commonly affect people of the male persuasion. Guys must walk a fine line in the initial dates, that line being between friendship and doing the no pants dance. You don't want to come across too nice and "great" as women tend not to want to date a really nice guy (that's saved for marriage). They want an asshole that will treat them like crap initially, but one they can work on (a project if you will) and someone that they can change . . . silly girls. But also, in most instances you can't be too forward and admit that the primary reason you're actually taking time out for the night with your friends is that this girl/guy has either a smoking body or great looks that you would like to ravage in a drunken stupor. In any case, it seems as though you have a 2-3 hangout limit before you break that dreaded threshold. If ass is not received or given within that timeframe, at least one party loses interest (usually the female) and from then on out, the only conversations you'll be having with her will be about how her friends are annoying and shit about her ex. It's all over buddy; time to move on.

Guys, it's hard to accept it, but you know there are women out there that you are friends with that you still manage to keep that glimmer of hope that one day she will either: a) get so horny/desperate that she'll decide to hook up with you, or b) get drunk and realize you're "such a great friend" and give you a small token of her appreciation. That's not going to happen, so take that thought out of your head. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be so you can take your efforts elsewhere.

Girls, basically any crazy thought you may develop while drunk or desperate (because let's face it, no woman in her right mind would do anything otherwise) about hooking up with a friend, would most likely become a reality if willed. I know it's hard to swallow, but most guys would jeopardize a good friendship just to have that one nighter.

However, there is something positive that can come from the "Friend Zone." This would be the person's other friends. Now that you've established that base of legitimacy and decency, what better way to find/meet other people than through your friends? To be continued . . .

Song of the Week: "Garden of Light" by Isis.

Quote of the Week: "We all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus." – Peter Griffin (yes, from Family Guy)

Random Fact of the Week: Los Angeles has more lawyers than France

Picture of the Week: If you have friends that stand outside the Friend Zone, why not start the weekend right and let them know.

Until next week, it's not nice to stare,

Fred

May 4, 2007 What are these Objects?

2007-05-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

Try to figure out the objects/professions using the three clues I give:

1. I'm about six inches long.
When you use me, my hairy end gets white and creamy.
You stick me in between your lips.

2. If I blow you hard enough, you will call me a name.
If I blow you in the winter, I will make you stiff quicker.
If you're a sailor, I will give you a ride.

3. I come in my robe.
I can give you a stiff one.
When I start banging, you have to be quiet.

4. I only get laid once.
I let you lay me and all you do is walk all over me.
I can be slippery and wet.

5: If I'm good, I can get you off.
When I come before you, you judge me.
I can drill a woman in the box.

Answers below.

Song of the Week: "In Fear and Faith" by Circa Survive.

Quote of the Week: "If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." -Johnny Carson

Random Fact of the Week: Bamboo can grow up to 35 inches in one day.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, don't forget to wear your helmet,

Fred

1. toothbrush, 2. wind, 3. judge, 4. floor, 5. attorney

April 27, 2007 Statistics/Marriage

2007-04-30T12:27:00.000-04:00

This is such a completely random topic, but it's been on my mind lately. Other than historical information, statistics can be one of the most easily manipulated forms of information out there. Everything from the way questions can be asked in order to gather data, to the information it hides/skews, statistics should always be questioned just as much as Jeff's arguments.

The example that I'm assuming most people are familiar with is that 50% of marriages end in divorce these days. This is one of the most common misconceptions (along with the crazy idea that Jim has a small penis). In order to question it, you have to wonder what data was used. A simple look at US Census Bureau information will give that to you. Now I don't know if the government is intentionally trying to spread this "stat" to scare people out of getting married, that way they don't have kids, can't claim dependents, and get taxed out the ass as a result, but here's the secret:

This common statistic will only look at the number of marriages in a particular year, i.e. 2006, and compare that to the number of divorces filed in 2006. But wait, couldn't people filing for divorce have gotten married anytime before that? Hmm, so basically this stat compares marriages in said year ( i.e. 2006) to the number of divorces FILED in that same year. This basically includes anyone that got married all the way back in 1920, all the way up to the census year. Naturally this number will be higher. If you actually go back and look at the number of people who got married compared to the number of people who got divorced on an individual year to year basis, it will show that the real number is far from 50%. If you actually boil it down, the real number is roughly 25%.

I had to clear that up, because it's been bothering me. Next person who tells me the number is 50% WILL get slapped across the face with a large stick of pepperoni (and no, that's not a sexual reference, I'm talking about a literal piece of pepperoni, and I do have one waiting in my fridge.)

Song of the Week: "Ever Somber" by Dalek. Welcome to the wonderful world of ambient rap.

Quote of the Week: This week you get a twosie:

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "- Clint Eastwood

Random Fact of the Week: You'll take about 23,000 breaths today

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, Santa Claus isn't real,

Fred

April 20, 2007 10 Things That Scare Me Most

2007-04-20T12:21:00.000-04:00

10: Televangelists
9: Crazy homeless people
8: The day when Scrubs/The Office/Family Guy does not appear on TV
7: Getting a paper cut . . . in the EYE
6: Smelling gas when walking into the apartment (no, not the human kind, the EXPLOSIVE kind)
5: An angry Rich
4: Boy George
3: Extreme Feminists
2: Legislation restricting 1st Amendment rights

And, the number one thing that scares me most in the ENTIRE WORLD:

1: Girls driving SUVs (or any other automobile for that matter) while talking on their cell phones

Song of the Week: "The Only Moment We Were Alone" by Explosions In The Sky. In the words of an anonymous source, their songs make you "feel like you're in a movie."

Quote of the Week: "You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." - Bob Dole

Random Fact of the Week: The word "girl" appears in the Bible only once.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, don't forget to put on your helmet,

Fred

April 13, 2007 Nappy-Headed Hos

2007-04-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

When you hear the term "nappy-headed ho," do you think of it as a degradation towards a specific race? I know I don't. One can't deny it was sexist, but the racial thing is just pushing it. Was it an inappropriate comment? Sure. Did it deserve the backlash it received? Absolutely not.

Such a big deal has been made about Imus's comments it's almost sickening. What is most alarming is how it has been made into a racial issue, seeing as the NAACP has called out for Imus to be fired and are looking for Black leaders to speak out against this. Props to Obama though, amidst pressure from a predominantly black and white liberal cohort to take a stand for "racial justice," when he responded with, "The comments of Don Imus were divisive, hurtful, and offensive to Americans of all backgrounds"(emphasis added).

Now, I'm going to go way out on a limb here and mention that if you look at pop culture in America, where can you find the word "Ho" used most? Bueller? Bueller? Ok, I'll state what everyone's thinking . . . RAP SONGS. Excellent, and so that we're all on the same page (this next comment is in no way intended to be racial or stereotypical, so all you PC folks out there please turn away) but a quick analysis of the top rappers in America at the current time, and throughout history, have in fact undeniably been Black/African American/whatever the politically correct term is these days.

Now, question #2: Off the top of your head, when can you last recall a member of the NAACP calling out for rappers to stop using the words nappy or ho? Hmm, well today is Friday, April 13th (ooooohhhhh, scary!) this year wasn't a leap year, so carry the 7, subtract pi and throw in a cosine. I'm going to say I can't even remember.

If I'm listening to a radio station and I hear something I don't like or get offended by, I usually like to do a little exercise (yes, I understand America is the fattest nation in the world, so I'm asking a lot here) called turning the dial to another station. Usually at that point I do think I'm alone when I'm looking for Tiffany, and certainly do believe that heaven is a place on Earth whenever I hear Belinda Carlisle. Doing a couple dial turns, usually burns off a couple calories. But to stay on topic, this is an issue I could write on and on about, but I know most of you just skip down to the facts and song section, so I'll save myself the carpel tunnel and quit while I'm ahead.

I do legitimately feel bad for the Rutgers team though, who made it to the Women's Championship, but instead are getting publicity for one person's comments. Perhaps there's something wrong with the media and what it deems important? That's another topic for another day.

Song of the Week: "Nonografistole Adendum" by Irepress (support local bands)

Quote of the Week: This is a long one, but I feel it's completely appropriate "Political correctness is American's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech." – George Carlin

Random Fact of the Week: In an emergency, Coca Cola can replace oil in cars.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, don't eat the brown acid,

Fred

April 6, 2007 Friends

2007-04-06T12:07:00.000-04:00

As I'm now losing my hangover from a weekend in DC, I've come to realize that there's a big difference between good friends, and just regular friends. Examples:

Friend: "I'm sorry things are shitty right now, do you want to talk about it?"
Good Friend: "Pull the string and let's go grab a beer."

Friend: "I think that chick over there is eyeing you, go talk to her."
Good Friend: "You don't have a chance, I, on the other hand, am going over to talk to her. Save my seat."

Friend: "Forget about that guy that just flicked you off, it's not worth it."
Good Friend: "Well, I've already been arrested once, what's another one?"

Friend: "Alright dude, I think you've had enough to drink, let's head back,"
Good Friend: "Stop being a pussy and man up."

Friend: "Oh man, you're sick, you need anything to help clean up or make you feel better?"
Good Friend: "Hey douche bag, shut the hell up, I'm watching TV."

Friend: "I missed you like the desert misses the rain."
Good Friend: "I missed you like the desert misses the rain."

Ok, so maybe the last one is universal, but some comments do have subtle differences. (Disclaimer: not all events/scenarios portrayed above occurred during said time frame.) So, who are you going to be? A friend, a good friend, or the boss of everyone like Tony Danza (who, I found out recently was a professional boxer with a 9-3 record from 1976-1979. There's a little bonus nugget of knowledge for you).

Song of the Week: "Complete Heat" by Fight Paris (strap on your seat belts boys and girls and get ready for an alcohol abuse inducing party starting rock ride)

Quote of the Week: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Random Fact of the Week: By the time you finish reading this, the Earth will have traveled almost 100 miles through space.

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, remember, you can't spell 'Friend' without 'Fred,'

Fred

March 30, 2007 (Enter topic name)

2007-03-30T12:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Fred and (name #1) went to the (place) to buy a (noun). While they (verb)ed to the (place), (name #2 ) arrived and showed them his new (noun #2). It looked pretty interesting; Fred and (name #1) just had to use it. Now, this wasn't just any (noun #2), this one was ( adj.) and (adj.) and had a (noun). Fred guessed it probably cost (name #2) (#) pesos. But soon they got bored with the (noun #2), and decided it was time to drink.
"Let's play a drinking game," said (name #1).
"Yeah, let's play (verb) the (noun #3)."
"How the (exclamation) do you play that?!"
"Well, you see, basically what you do is (verb) every time the (noun #3) picks up a (noun)."

So after many hours, they played and played, only to have their motor skills slowly deteriorate whilst female passersby became increasingly attractive.
"I think it's time to head back before we do anything stupid," said Fred.
"NONSENSE!" (name #1) proclaimed, "we need to bring some girls back with us."
"Yeah, ok genius, and how are we going to do that?" asked (name #2)
"Easy, just tell them we have GOLD BARS!"

This went down in history as the single best pickup line to use on any girl at any time . . . ever.

Song of the Week: "Spitting Venom" by Modest Mouse

Quote of the Week: "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -Batman costume warning label

Random Fact of the Week: A penguin with a 6-inch stride can run as fast as an average man

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, according to the surgeon general, consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery,

Fred

Oh yeah, and just an update, I saw that there was a tv program called "Anna Nicole: The Next Chapter" on 3/26 from 8:00pm-10:00pm . . . please refer to previously posted comments.

March 23, 2007 Equal Opportunity Employers

2007-03-23T12:00:00.000-04:00

So I've spent a lot of my time looking for new jobs around the area, usually in between Scrubs viewings (Comedy Central, weekdays from 11am-12pm and 7pm-8pm, Thursday nights at 9:00pm on NBC, how's that for a plug?) All of the applications I've sent have been via the Internet. Now, after submitting my resume and all that jazz, almost every company puts a little disclaimer at the bottom that they are equal opportunity employers. Typical protocol, correct? That makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I lay in bed at night in my onesy (with the feet).

This in itself doesn't seem to be an issue. The kicker: after putting out their "cover our ass" statement, they then proceed to make me, and all other candidates, identify both race and gender. Granted, they do offer the option of "decline to identify," but I was a bit confused; if they are an EOE, then why do they need to know my race and gender BEFORE meeting me? Does that really change anything? Will that influence their interest in my skills, or the relevancy of said skills? So many questions, so little time (Barbara Walters and Michaela would be proud).

Either way I was a little perturbed that these companies make candidates identify themselves and use that information along with the actual pertinent information (i.e. stuff you've actually done at other companies!) to decide if you're appropriate. So the moral of the story remains: stand tall, stand proud, voices that care are crying out loud.

Song of the Week: "Dirty Harry" by Gorillaz

Quote of the Week: "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

Random Fact of the Week: It takes Pluto 25 years to receive as much solar energy as the Earth does in 1 minute

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, you don't always die from tobacco, sometimes you just lose a lung,

Fred

March 16, 2007 Anna Nicole Smith

2007-03-16T11:51:00.000-04:00

Anna Nicole Smith's death is one of the biggest tragedies this nation has experienced in the past decade. Period. Everything she did for this country and the positive role model she became for boys and girls, all of those modern film classics to which she contributed. I want to publicly mourn this event and declare how sorely she will be missed . . .

I hope you caught onto the sarcasm by this point, if not, please NEVER read this blog again. Now I mean no disrespect to the death of another person, but holy shit people, with all of the news coverage, did anybody else realize that there was a war going on overseas? Or that Middle East peace talks have resumed? Or maybe that there was an assassination attempt on our VICE PRESIDENT?!

I hope I wasn't the only one that was shocked by how much coverage it received. They actually held specials on network television up until last week. She died on Feb. 8th. That's about one month of non-stop coverage for a woman that basically contributed nothing but gossip concerning her marriage to an oil tycoon 63 years older than herself, and some nude shots of herself. Either way, I thought it was atrocious how much time networks dedicated to this event. I am going to jump into "older-timer" land when I say this, but what has this country come to?

This has been a bit of a rant, so I will end it with this: the moral of the story seems to be, ladies pay attention, marry rich, or even Rich, take off your clothes and pose for some pictures, and then you too can become famous and land your own "hit" TV show.

Song of the Week: "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups

Quote of the Week: "Potatoe" –Dan Quayle

Random Fact of the Week: On an average day, McDonald's "feeds" about 43 million people

Picture of the Week:

Until next week, look both ways before crossing the street,

Fred

March 9, 2007 Original Blog

2007-03-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

To anyone reading this blog,

Yes, you read correctly; for anyone who was not originally involved, this is a throwback to early high school. On Fridays I briefly circulated a weekly letter of random facts and thoughts I had: "Fred's Fun Facts for Friday." Although this was short-lived, in light of recent events I've had an inordinate amount of time on my hands in which I've found myself involved in prolonged periods of both significant and completely meaningless monologues regarding various topics, along with watching just about every Scrubs and The Office episode ever produced.

My most recent thought was, why not share some of these with the educated world? Maybe you'll laugh at it, maybe it will spark debate, or perhaps it will just bore you. Either way, I'm bored, so you're just going to have to take one for the team.

I've decided to add a few "special features" in hopes of making it more interesting. This is what the new format will include:

Song of the Week
Quote of the Week
Random Fact of the Week
Picture of the Week

Until next week, don't run with scissors,

Fred